The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain
The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what good that would have done for the world. At first, I thought the brain of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. himself, well-known American politician, influencer, and current US Secretary of Health and Human Services would be a lovely, hearty meal- this guy’s an environmentalist, a lawyer, fights for minority rights, and is the nephew of John F. Kennedy? What more could you ask for?
Unfortunately I found the experience quite unpleasant. First, the brain didn’t even taste good! The prefrontal cortex had this weird aftertaste, which was probably due to all the lying he does. The frontal lobe was disgusting. It tasted somewhat like bear meat, strangely. The whole thing was fishy– Kennedy eats a lot of tuna, and I think I have mercury poisoning too now.
There wasn’t even that much brain to eat. It’s all just vaccine denial, “Make America Healthy Again,” and conspiracy theories—where did all the good stuff go? There was no room to be picky. Then, just as I was getting settled in, Kennedy tweets “I offer to eat 5 more brain worms and still beat President Trump and President Biden in a debate. I feel confident in the result even with a six-worm handicap.” The absolute nerve of this man to be offering this already meager meal to five other worms! I worked very hard to get to my position of Chief Food Reviewer at this newspaper, and I’m not giving it up to some upstarts who were practically invited in! No, if you want this brain, you have to earn it- you have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and find your own undercooked pork.
And on top of all of that, this guy has the gall to bring me up during his divorce proceedings! Because apparently I “lower his earning potential” or something. He claims I caused “memory loss and mental fog.” I say I was just surviving. A worm has got to eat.