The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break
Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…
This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the first half of the semester, I have struggled. The notes are little more than incomprehensible scrawl and Office Hours seem to be located in a building that only occurs in dreams. With the dawning of Spring Break, I was sure I was going to fail the class. As I wandered the deserted halls of Wean, desperately looking for people to share my sorrows with, I heard the distant sounds of a lecture.
I climbed the stairs, up and up. The sound grew closer, never in my reach. Going mad, desperate to find this mysterious lecture, I found the roof. There, I saw them. Seven or eight hooded figures, all engaging in discussion of efficient data structures, the content of 15-451. The notes, lit by candlelight, were perfectly clear. As I approached closer, the topic of conversation switched to job searching. Each hooded produced a clean, perfect resume. They all had jobs for the summer, with housing and benefits.
Horrified, I ran from the scene, back down the stairs until I was sure they wouldn’t find me. What sort of cult had I stumbled upon? I was unsure. Shaken, I returned to my apartment. I attempted to sleep, nothing came of it. The conversation of the hooded figures was seared in my brain.
I attempted to brush off the memories, but I seemed to hear the voices from the roof anytime I entered Wean. Finally, I ventured back to the roof. There, they were waiting for me. They drew me in, handed me a cloak, and sat me down. I lost track of time. My brain just seemed to soak in everything. I learned the secrets of algorithms, how to get a job, how to find a wife, and how to be truly happy.
I still don’t know who they were. As I’ve thought about writing this, a voice in the back of my mind says I shouldn’t. Yet, I can’t keep this to myself. There, on the crown of Wean Hall, lies the answers to 15-451 and life itself.