The Man, The Myth, The Farnam
Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely operate a scissor lift? A man who can fight off great white sharks with his feet zip tied behind his back?
Well, this amazing and wonderful man is none other than Farnam Jahanian (also known to students as âJ-Dogâ, âBig Man Jahanianâ, âMC Farnsâ, âFarneyâ, among many other things). His Tuna Melt lovinâ face can be seen blessing the corners of this campus throughout the day, mainly in and around Warner Hall, his base of operations.
Now, any superhero or supervillain needs a good HQ. Warner hall sits right on the corner of Forbes Avenue and the Cut, a really good vantage point for giant laser guns and buckets of hot, smouldering tar, as well as sacks of feathers â in the case of Pitt students from down the road trying to invade! This building is completely fitted out to the University President's tastes â take for example the fireman pole going from his office down to the main floor. A rather boring, money-hungry, disdainful man would not have such a thing! Neither would he stock all the coffee and tea tables in office spaces all over campus with rainbow silly straws, or commute to campus in a custom-made carriage to parade him on display through the streets of Pittsburgh playfully dubbed the âFarnmobileâ. A student well-versed in Jahanianology could go on for hours and hours about the cool stuff Farnam has in his office (or even just stored in his pockets!), but I mean not to go just about that here, as there are so many more facets to this amazing man I also need to cover!
Did you know that Farnam Jahanian is a wizard in the world of cyber security? He is an expert at analyzing complex, widely distributed cyber-attacks on IP-based networks! He is also a hero when it comes to stopping DDoS attacks before they happen, just like a Disney prince in shining armor! One time, I was in Scaife hall browsing a shop website pertaining to firearms, narcotics, and endangered species, and I happened to click on a link that said it would lead me to âhot and sexy Tartans looking to have fun near youâ. Instead, unknowingly, malicious software installed itself onto my Thinkpad laptop in an attempt to use it as a stepping stone to breach the Campus network. On the other side of campus, My saviorâs Farney-Sense went off,so he hit a giant red button on his desk that activates alarm sounds and red lights to turn on at Warner Hall, he slid down his flagpole to his âarmoryâ where assistants equipped him with a kilt and bagpipes, polished his head â and on he marched to Scaife Hall. When Farnam detects a student is in trouble and is en-route to save the day, students and faculty alike stop dead in their tracks as this is a mighty sight to see! Farnamâs bald head, shiny as if it was covered in oil, will draw the attention of just about anyone here at goodâ olâ Tech, especially me when he reaches his hand out like God in âThe Creation of Adamâ at the tables and chairs by Red Hawk. Perhaps Farnam was the real âhot and sexy Tartan looking to have fun near meâ after allâŚ
No doubt, after a couple of months here at Carnegie Mellon, every student and faculty member will have a tale such as this one of their own to tell. It is unheard of to never have such a run in with the man. While it is not typically advertised in campus publications, websites, or tours, it is no doubt that Farnam Jahanian is the glue that holds this one big Tartan family together. His blood builds the campus, his tears water our lawns, his laughter fills our stages and auditoriums, and the sun reflecting off his head gives us light.