Snowstorm Hits Donner, Proclaimed "Still Livable"
Larry: Good evening. We're coming to you live from the arctic tundra that was once the campus of Carnegie Mellon University, where the great Blizzard of '48 has crippled the nation and, more importantly, threequarters of a freshman dorm. I'm here with first-year student Kevin, who is currently enjoying his week’s ration of a single bag of artisanal dehydrated kale chips. Kevin, thank you for joining us. What's the situation like inside Donner?
Kevin: Well, Larry, it's pretty dire. The power and heating in half the building is out, which means we’ve had to put fourteen people in each of the triples to share body heat. It might sound inhumane, but I think they are actually enjoying it. After all, they did sign up for a triple in the fall on their own free will.
Larry: And what about the other amenities? We're hearing reports that the laundry facilities are also down.
Kevin: It's true. Only one washing machine still functions, and it froze half of my clothes yesterday. We are effectively locked in, as it has become impossible to open any door or window without instantly freezing everyone in a thirty-foot radius, and our toaster is the only functional appliance in the communal kitchen. Honestly, the only silver lining is that the fire alarms seem to be broken, so we don’t have to worry about people burning instant ramen in the toaster again.
Larry: An unexpected beacon of hope in these dark times. The university has issued a statement saying students should "be resilient" and "embrace the challenge." What are your thoughts on that, Kevin? Kevin: "Resilience" is the new word for "not taking a shower for five days." I guess you could call that resilient. I'm just grateful that the WiFi is still working on my side of the hall. The important thing is that my thirteen roommates and I can still complete 21127 homework while slowly freezing to death. We're all in this together, Larry. The Donner spirit is stronger than ever.
Larry: A truly inspiring message from a truly . resilient student. We'll be back after the break with more on this developing situation, assuming our own power holds out.