Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop
PITTSBURGH, PA
(Whis L. Blower)
In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa Whis, what's up with the hostility right out of the gate? Aren't you supposed to be an unbiased arbiter of the truth?" to which I would say, yes, but I am also craving mediocre fried chicken. So I am jealous.
Further details have revealed that the Senate, through a line item known as "Tummy Expenses," has spent over $12,000 on Wingstop catering. (One must imagine the delivery fees!) In a breakdown of catering order logs obtained by readMe, we have discovered that the most popular items include heaps of seasoned fries, extra ranch cups, and plain boneless wings. Yes, that's right. Plain. Boneless. Wings—a choice described by one passionate student as "so heretical, I had to attend confessional to rid myself of the sin of ever having known that information.” While readMe awaits a joint public statement from the Senate, my fellow investigative journalist, Stella, went into the field to gauge the reactions of those most affected.
(Stella Cedar)
Thanks Whis. While trying to navigate the protests that erupted in front of the CUC today, I ran into one fresh face of the Undergrad Senate; they confessed with head hung, "Listen folks, I had the munchies. I was only there for the food, frankly. I don't even know what the Undergrad Senate does." Polls indicate the back half of that statement is a common sentiment amongst the general student population. Following up, I asked the Senate member if they had any information on why the executive office had been renovated for the second time in 5 years. My query was unfortunately met with silence.
At the same moment, a student took to standing atop the Scotty pedestal in the CUC courtyard to rile up some gathering protestors with a scandalous new detail. "Whoever in that gaudy group of crooks that's responsible for pushing the chicken on-demand button also conveniently always misses the ‘tip your driver’ button! Curious!" she remarked. "One would imagine that if they wanted to avoid shelling out the extra cash to compensate whoever has to lug their poultry around, maybe they'd invest some of that $18,000 executive package in a club vehicle!" Cheers for the speaker and roars of anger erupted at the scene. At this time, I can't offer any further updates on the situation, Whis, but rest assured that I'll remain on site bringing you the breaking news if any new developments occur. Back to you.
(Whis L. Blower)
Well, this has been an event for the ages, folks. Yet, no matter who you align with, I think we can all agree on one thing– if you're gonna spend a small fortune on Wingstop, at least have them toss some sauce on your glorified nuggets.