Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms
DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far away to cause any gravitational disruptions, professors are still drowning in capstones about how said black hole affects the futures of every single major. “Grading is somehow more repetitive than usual,” states one anonymous TA. “There’s usually some variety, but when we’re all gonna die tomorrow, that’s the only thing those twerps can think about. This is an econ class; we shouldn’t give a shit about planetary alignment!”
However, academic anxiety is not the only emotion the apocalypse seems to inspire in Tartans. Several students were found crowded around Gates sobbing into each other’s arms because they will all die virgins. After an enterprising student asked them why they couldn’t just have sex with each other, they all immediately stopped crying and went back to their dorms.
In other news, the drama students have formed a cult celebrating the apocalypse, but absolutely nothing has changed about the way they act. Their only new actions have been to paint “THE END IS NIGH” on the Fence in the most garish colors they could find and sing songs from the second act of “Into The Woods” instead of the first.
As all psych majors should know by now, the final stage of grief is acceptance, so the students soldier on through their courses despite the apocalypse. Some even find their imminent doom reassuring, since they won’t have to go job hunting afterward. However, the most common sentiment seems to be apathy, because “at least it’s not 122.”