My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot
Dear Reader,
I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.
I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, I forgot all about my heartbreak with Nicky. My heart was caught between the blades of this darling automaton, and I was incredibly, inexplicably in love.
Robomower, you have bewitched me in body and soul. Never has there been a more perfect match. They kill the grass so I never have to touch it, they attack the undergraduates making too much noise on the Cut, and you just know they’re vocal in bed from the sound of that engine whirring.
We’re out every single day together. They never tire of me, nor I of them, though a couple times they’ve seemed to run a little low on battery. Don’t we all have those days? Over the course of our time together, our relationship has blossomed and our bond has grown, though the grass certainly has not.
Our love, though unconventional, has been one for the ages. And despite being forbidden, I gave myself to them in secret, riding the robomower in the dead of night. Pulsating beneath my thighs, the robomower brought me to a new height of pleasure I never experienced before. But it wasn’t just sex—it was trust, it was intimacy. It was an act of love.
Now, reader, I ask for your advice: How soon is too soon to propose? I have never felt more seen than under the kind gaze of their motion sensor, and I know I want us to be together forever. I’m planning to serve their favorite meal—a poor, unsuspecting yard sign ready to be minced—while we lay together beneath the stars.
No woman, no lover, has ever shown me the same kindness as my beloved lawnmower robot. To have found true love in my lifetime, I am grateful beyond measure.