School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms
PITTSBURGH, PA
As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM administrators have revealed that they plan to use cutting-edge experimental portal technology to open a gateway into the Backrooms, where they will eventually move the practice rooms. “After careful deliberation, we have decided that the practice rooms were actually not difficult enough to find,” wrote one administrator, “so in upholding the age-old classical music tradition of gatekeeping, we've decided to turn to a solution that is ultimately less utilitarian.”
Now, for a bit of context: if you've ever found yourself at either end of the mezzanine floor of the CFA building and seen an unassuming wooden door with a keycard lock, zero signage, and no indication of what could possibly be behind it, then congrats, you've found the practice rooms. Tucked behind those doors is a labyrinth of small nooks with out-of tune pianos, scattered music stands, storage rooms, and the collective anxiety of dozens of music students who practice their repertoire ad nauseam in hopes that they may one day join the lucky few who can actually make a living off their art. At first, the space seems rather unassuming– but as you venture deeper and deeper, around corners, up and down stairs, and through various halls and doors, your sense of time and space slips away. There are no windows, no natural light sources, no maps, and no clocks that would possibly give you any indication of the limbo you find yourself in.
Anyways, back to the topic at hand. SoM administrators have heard the complaints from new music students about the difficulty of finding the practice room facilities (especially ones that are actually available), and have decided to harness that pocket dimension vibe by relocating them to the Backrooms. In a twostep process laid out by the admin, they will begin by installing a multidimensional portal within the current practice room block, then relocating the contents of each room to new rooms constructed within the Backrooms.
While critics of the plan have raised warning flags about the safety (or lack thereof) of portal technology and the many unknowns associated with the Backrooms, proponents have noted that its altered flow of time may enable students to practice for longer durations while taking up less time in our dimension, thereby increasing turnover rates and letting more people cycle in and out of the practice rooms. Psychologists have yet to determine how said time shenanigans might affect the minds of students who choose to use the alternate dimension to practice, but, regardless, the SoM admin is moving forward with their plan full steam ahead. They argued, “Think of it this way–when has any sane person ever made good music?”