Wait, people actually read this?
Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?
I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this magazine out to weigh down the newspaper stands so they don’t blow away in the harsh Pittsburgh weather. I thought that perhaps a passing student could make a fun ReadMe paper hat to amuse themselves in passing, but I never thought someone would read it.
Let me get this straight. People have time. They don’t have much of it but they have some. And they use this time which they don’t have much of to read ReadMe. To bend down slightly, pick up a ReadMe, and read it with their eyes. People only have two eyes! And they’re using both of them on ReadMe? Like, you get why I’m having trouble believing this, right? Oh no. If people actually read this, which I’m still not convinced they do, that means they’re reading this article? Like right now? You know what, that’s fine. I’m super chill about that. I feel fine. I’m feeling so ok and normal and chill.
As I ponder the acquiescence of this periodical by a public able to discern their own literary free will, I question the impact of this renowned technical institution of higher learning on the well being of its student population. While I possess an understanding that the more avantgarde among us may enjoy the esoteric proclivities of this accursed biweekly, ReadMe’s readership among the general Carnegie Mellon populace continues to elude me. This particular line of inquiry has proven to be a persistent source of cognitive unrest, prompting prolonged periods of nocturnal wakefulness.
Fuck it. I give up. I’d like to sincerely apologize for everything I’ve ever written and will ever write, and for everything my colleagues have ever written and will ever write. I’m getting a pseudonym for my pseudonym and moving to an undisclosed location within the Pittsburgh metropolitan area.