How to tell if your classmates peaked in college
As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”
To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who peaked in university.
1. Are they a grad student?
Grad students are just people who peaked so hard in college they’re spending a few hundred grand to avoid leaving. Instead of building new lives, starting families, growing savings, they are just doing the one thing they know best: procrastinating on actually starting anything, like having a career.
2. Are they still posting on LinkedIn?
Who actually uses LinkedIn now that they have a professional life? Only people desperately trying to convince everyone (including themselves) that they're thriving. They should focus more on their current lives rather than stalking people's careers and seeing if other people are successful, even though they knew them to be complete bums in undergrad who couldn't even finish Core@CMU correctly.
(Please send me a connection at https://www.linkedin.com/in/sam-rozansky/ – I need the validation to sleep at night)
3. Are they your ex?
100% peaked. Don't even worry about it.
4. Are they trying to go to a frat party with people who were in middle school while they were studying business here?
C’mon man, at least hit on people within the same decade as you.
5. Do you dislike them?
If you dislike them, then of course they peaked in university! There is no possible way this person is actually succeeding in life or is even happy at all. Basic science proves that people you personally dislike cannot possibly be thriving.
This can even be applied to current students! If you don't like them, they definitely peaked in high school and are currently in the midst of a four-year downward spiral. That's just karma working as intended.