OCs Accidentally Create a Cult
Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and an incident regarding Welch students and a penguin from the Pittsburgh zoo.
It is believed that the chaos started Tuesday during an Etower rally. A sudden thunderstorm forced events to be held inside for several hours. Orientation leaders led students in chants ranging from “Who’s got the power?” to detailed descriptions of crushing other dorms.
Local expert in cults, Dr. Col Aid, claims that this was the inciting incident.
“Once Etower’s staff successfully converted their dorm into a cult, the rest of the dorms followed. The results are quite remarkable. Students exhibited similar behaviors by the end of orientation week to individuals who have been cults for half their lives.”
This isn’t Dr. Col Aid’s first time on campus. “Every year there’s a few limbs lost. We put measures into place after that to ensure no further cults were created. At the time we were confident that they’d work.”
Students can be expected to spend the rest of the week at workshops organized by Dr. Col Aid and CAPS. Topics include “how to avoid cults, mlm’s, and phishing schemes” and “for the love of God please don’t set Hamershlag on fire again”