President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be
This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most important speech.
“I’m here today to warn you about the impending military industrial complex,” the president said solemnly. “It’s gonna be fucking lit, so be prepared for the levels of unprecedented awsomeness some of y'all youngins will see in your lifetime.”
The military industrial complex, or MIC (not to be confused with the similarly named and similarly rad Mickey Mouse), will be a system in which the government benefits from deadly missiles and instruments of war that companies sell to the government, and these companies benefit from money the government gives in exchange. This arrangement, the White House alleges, is mutually beneficial for both parties and therefore certainly a good for society.
Eisenhower is also currently pushing his interstate highways idea, which will create a network of fancy roads connecting the nation because freedom freedom fuck railways yay SUVs bla bla bla no I’m not compensating for anything why do you ask. One problem with the interstates idea, as Eisenhower has noted, is that many Americans are elated by the destruction of nature and inner cities and hoping that this destruction can also apply to human lives. The MIC idea is set to fix that inequity.
Eisenhower also discussed his vision for college campuses, which will not only be next to interstate highways but also will be closely tied to the MIC. Government analyses predict that the MIC will command high salaries because of how rad it is, which also helps pull college graduates from significantly lamer industries like healthcare robotics and other assorted bullshit.
“One day, students will walk into a career fair and get a command hook from their favorite military contractor,” ended Eisenhower. “How fucking lit is that?”