Making Money on Campus
The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the loss of your right arm, there’s a pretty reliable solution to the loss of your life savings. That solution, also applicable to most of life’s problems, is drugs.
It is a well known fact that CMU boasts the highest number of student drug addicts on this side of the Mississippi. However, due to the fact that the average CMU student tends to look like a complete narc, nearly all major drug dealers refuse to sell to us. In addition, most of the older students here have already spent too much time in this hellhole to risk losing it all. That is where you, my dear freshman, can come in to fill the market. So long as you know what to sell and who to sell it to, you’ll be rich in no time.
Drug preferences at CMU are a very fickle thing, and you don’t want your product to be something no one wants to buy. For example, depressants are a no-go; no one would ever bother to buy those when they can just take concepts. On the opposite end, people here go rabid for stimulants. It's well-documented that in the first year or so of attending, most CMU students grow completely immune to caffeine. Thus, cocaine has earned itself the name Carnegie Sugar™ on campus as the most popular caffeine replacement. I’d recommend being (or recruiting) a chem major as your supplier.
As for who to sell it to, there are a few groups you can target, either for one-time sales or hopefully gain permanent customers. Fence-painters are a prime target; it’s very common for at least one of their picnic tables to be covered with lines of coke. Just sell them a batch as they start painting, and hopefully you can negotiate to continue to provide whilst they guard the fence. They win because they can stay awake, and you win because, as long as there isn’t a political message being painted, CMUPD is unlikely to see. In a similar vein are Buggy organizations. When it comes to those sad people, as long as you’re willing to wake up early every weekend from mid-September to Carnival, you’ll make thousands.
I would be remiss to not warn you of the greatest danger this line of business has: other freshmen. The murder of competition is a common occurrence on campus; if the fence is painted red, a free and abundant paint alternative was likely used. Needless to say, don’t try to sell to a fellow freshman unless you want to be used to paint the fence. You must also be willing to get your own hands dirty, too. Try looking around to see if anyone else is reading this article; if someone is, then they are a rival. Speak to them, befriend them, and when the moment is right, end them. If you're lucky, you might have cause to make your double a single.
Now the only problem you have left is laundering your money, but just get a Tepper student to do it for you. It’s not like they have anything better to do.