Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm
As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article before room choices were due but then you’d have taken our advice when choosing your room.
Boss and McGill Houses - Your classic dorms. Both buildings are exactly the same. You’ll be in a quantum state of living in both buildings at once, which is great for having two bodies to get done your insurmountable amounts of homework. They also have semi-suite bathrooms instead of communal bathrooms, which is nice until you realize you’re not only sharing the bathroom with your four suitemates. You’re also sharing your bathroom with their rotating casts of significant others.
Clyde House - Doesn’t exist. It’s on CMU’s website because Readme hacked it.
Donner House - Exists, unfortunately. Donner tends to be the home of athletes for CMU’s top-tier athletic programs, but really it’d be better suited for CS students because of how bad the showers are. Why not give the dorm with the worst showers to the students who don’t shower? I’ll never understand. Other than CS students, I’d only recommend living in Donner if you’re an insect. The dorm’s insect community truly is superb.
E-Tower - When Carnegie Mellon decided to make E-Tower, they set out to make a dorm as mediocre as your roommate’s shower singing. . Then, they realized the location was too nice so to even things out they took out nearly all common spaces and just built a skybridge to Morewood Gardens so you can use their amenities instead of having your own. Hey, at least it’s not Donner. And the secret sex dungeon in the basement is pretty cool too.
Hamerschlag House - Has been closed for the past two years for renovations. Experts expect the building to be slightly less miserable now, but the communal bathrooms and dreadfully small windows remain. This is a great building if you hate your good ole’ daily dose of natural light. Experts anticipate it taking three days before someone does something stupid enough to make CMU regret giving students access to a lounge space on the roof.
Henderson, Scobell, and Welch Houses - All equally boring. They’re all up a hill so you’ll get your daily steps in whether you like it or not, though less likely if you’re a woman because Scobell is all women and the closest dorm to street level. The inevitable conclusion here is that CMU just really doesn’t want women to be fit. This helps even the dating field for all you heterosexuals. I would lie and make up something funny so that Henderson, Scobell, and Welch had something interesting about them, but Readme takes journalistic integrity very seriously.
Maggie Mo Houses - Used to be frat houses. They’re not anymore, but pro tip: nobody is stopping you from throwing ragers there anyway. Except your RAs, but that’s besides the point. Imagine what has been done to your furniture and kitchen counters at your own peril. Otherwise, these are basically just your basic townhouse. Imagine a suburban family of four living here, except stuff way more people in and make everyone first-year college students. So, not the average suburban townhome experience you probably came to college for.
Morewood Gardens - Doesn’t even have a garden. At least 17 students got so lost in the corridors last year they were never found. The secret to not getting lost is to develop echolocation and make clicking sounds as you navigate, which is especially important during the rolling blackouts. Morewood also burns down three times a year for first-year rituals scheduled between two and five in the morning, so stay on the lookout for that. If you hear the fire alarm, do not panic—the building is only incinerating into ash. CMU is usually pretty quick to reconstruct the building, but they refuse to update anything.
Mudge House - No you’re not living in a mansion, dearest B and C tower residents. Only A tower is a mansion; B and C towers are sad, boring, and for the plebs. If you live in B or C towers your local A-tower aristocrat will let you hang around the first floor of the mansion, but don’t be fooled: you’ll never be rich and live in a mansion. You’ll also never be happy but that’s not a dorm-specific thing.
Residence on Fifth - Because you need an in-unit kitchen. Actually no, you don’t. You’re a first-year student; you’ll probably burn the building down and if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll also get the high school next door. You don’t need a two-bedroom apartment either. When you get sexiled, trust that your roommate won’t want you in the room next door either. And, you don’t need to be that far away from campus. Like seriously, it’s like a full couple of minutes away from campus. Do you want to have to walk a few extra minutes a day? I don’t, and you’re not allowed to have a different opinion from me. Do the math.
Stever House - Remember that dorm you saw during your tour? Also, remember how that random guy killed your tour guide in that dorm before wheeling the dead body away in a stroller? Stever is that dorm, and no, I wasn’t the killer. Stop asking, seriously. Stever is loud, proud, and should be neither. Like it’s not even that nice. Communal bathrooms and rooms so small you’ll be missing your Hong Kong apartment, anyone? Readme additionally warns you that the fifth floor of Stever is gay.