Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles
Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.
“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on the quality of our dining when we overheard two freshmen discussing a very interesting idea. Apparently, there’s this thing called the Banach–Tarski paradox—something about cutting a sphere into parts and recombining them and ending up with two of them of the same size, without adding anything. Turns out, that works on oranges too. Who knew math was so fruitful?”
Rumor has it Schatz has been employing the technique on oranges for months, only to realize no one was actually eating them. Luckily for them, they realized the paradox generalizes to all objects, not just spherical ones. Applications for “Duplicator” open next week.
There is a third component of the paradox that Chartwell’s has yet to use, but one anonymous math major came forward to speak on it: “The thing about Banach-Tarski,” he explained, “is that, not only can you duplicate, you can take a marble, cut it up just right, and rearrange all the pieces so it’s the size of the sun. I don’t know how it works but ChatGPT explained it once, so I figured I’d try it myself on some balls. And if it works on balls, what about a pair of balls and a cylinder, if you catch my drift? The results were … invigorating. But despite all this, my attempts to pick someone up still haven’t panned out—you can’t math yourself into a personality—but, one of these days, it’s bound to happen.”