CMU to increase free speech "by any force necessary"
A core pillar of our democracy and liberty has always been the right to freedom of expression. The Founding Fathers famously freed speech from its shackles of Europeanism with the signing of the 1st amendment (unfreed slaves notwithstanding).
Carrying on this tradition, CMU president Farnam Jahanian announced, “CMU is firmly committed to raising free speech on campus by 110% in the next 2 years.” The announcement comes shortly after controversy over CMU banning students from painting the Fence with any part of their bodies except the buttocks, a decision critics condemned as encouraging “Fence-sitting.”
After acknowledging the rightful outrage of select loudmouthed students, the president unveiled a strict set of guidelines designed to ensure all members of the CMU community exercise free speech correctly. The guidelines establish best practices for freedom of expression, allowing the university to maximize free speech output while eliminating ambiguity over what does and does not constitute the “buttocks."
The president's proclamation was met with thunderous applause as he added final remarks that CMU will use “any force necessary” in its fight for free expression.
In our current geopolitical, socioencomic, post-neoliberal, corporatist, functionalist society, a clear and generalized outlining of “freedom of expression” is long-overdue. With this historical announcement, CMU leads the charge for a future brimming with expression that is 110% freer than today.