Hungry?
Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.
Doherty Hall:
Doherty is a year-round favorite for students, and it’s not hard to see why. Being one of the older buildings on campus, the brick has aged in such a way that gives it its signature sweet and sour taste. Coupled with its rough and gritty texture, this brings the overall flavor profile close to that of a brick-flavored lemon drop. Furthermore, the chemistry labs around Doherty offer many unique condiments which can drastically change or enhance these flavors. Do not eat the tiles.
Wean Hall:
Wean is a polarizing choice, with some patrons swearing by its distinct nutty flavor and others dismissing its concrete as low-grade sidewalk fodder. What can’t be argued, however, is the incredible nutritional value that Wean provides. A single kilogram of Weancrete™ contains calories and nutrients. Advocates also point out that it is very easy to eat around the bottlecaps, and that casualties have been minimal in the last few weeks.
Gates & Hillman:
As one of the newest options on campus, Gates & Hillman promises flavors yet undreamt by mankind. No person has yet been able to describe the taste and texture of this edifice of glass. Recently, Gates has implemented “flavor modification & enhancement AI systems,” which has reportedly made the taste more bitter.
Gilbert Hall:
Tragically eaten into extinction. Rumored to have such an intense savory flavor that it overflowed and acquired a negative umami value.
CUC:
The CUC is almost universally hated by all who try it. The brick tastes flat and bland, and is accompanied by a sickly sour aftertaste—not to mention the extremely dry and dusty texture. On top of all of this, the CUC by far has the highest incidence rate of brick-borne illnesses on campus.
CFA:
One of the best, with a wide variety of materials to choose from. The marble has a smooth, creamy taste and marblelike texture. The musical instruments are a dangerous dinner choice, as CFA students are known to kill those who consume their violin or harmonica or whatever. Despite this, survivors claim that the reward outweighs the risk a thousandfold.
Other buildings on campus sadly remain inedible.