Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid
Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.
We've used our decades of collective experience to compile CMU's most comprehensive guide to getting in the kilt of the nearest warm body on campus. You can trust you're getting the real deal: for the 10th year in a row, the Wall Street Journal has ranked us as having more staffers "drowning in pussy" than any other magazine in the country. By the time you finish this brief article, you'll be drowning in it like a Navy SEAL at boot camp. You'll wake up resuscitated on the floor coughing up sex juices like it's pool water from a child's lungs on cold concrete in November. So sit down, put away your notebook, and strap in to strap on.
First, you'll want to consider men. Drop the bar to the ground, and you'll have other things dropping not too long after. To any woman, dear reader, you're like a 2. But to a man, you're something like a 7, maybe higher if he's desperate. And look at him, he is.
Second, go for graduate students. Trust me, they're totally into you. Did your TA make eye contact? She wants you bad. Is your lecturer still pursuing a PhD? They're looking for just the right kind of distraction. If you catch someone over 22 out and about on campus, shoot your shot. Don't even be subtle with it, you both know what you're here for.
Third, carry condoms at all times. You want them in your pockets, on your desk, and spilling out of your backpack. Nothing gets people turned on in an 8 AM lecture like seeing a little strip of foil-wrapped goodies sitting on the floor by your shoe, and that's when you make your move. Plus, it'll be reassuring to those around you to know that you're shielding others from the STDs you're carrying. If you don't have any condoms on you, just walk into the nearest 122 office hours and tell them you need sexual health supplies.
In this day and age, it may seem impossible to find mind boggling amounts of sex on a college campus, but with a little skill, you'll be sleeping around like the best of them. But if none of these tips work, become a TA for a difficult class and desperate almost-failures will be all over you.