So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls
It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the free speech and expression the university endeavors to achieve through The Fence.
CMU’s Fence policy explicitly mandates the use of a class of devices known as “brushes”:
The Fence may only be hand-painted with paint brushes. [Article II.D.1.a]
The Oxford English Dictionary (operated by my own alma mater, if it may be of any importance to you) defines “brush” as: An implement with a handle, consisting of bristles, hair, or wire set into a block, used for cleaning or scrubbing, applying a liquid or powder to a surface, arranging the hair, or other purposes.
Only the daftest individual would fail to recognize that CMU’s policy is undoubtedly referring to balls. Such an implement clearly has a handle: an outward protrusion prominent enough to grasp with one’s own hands. My personal experience would also support the conclusion that the majority of balls have hair on them. Although I will admit minor confusion at the description of such hair being “set into a block.”
At their core, balls are instruments of creation. The original writers of CMU’s Fence policy evidently kept this in mind—the policy not only allows for but in fact requires the use of one’s balls for the painting of The Fence. However, through the years, this intent has been forgotten, with students using bastardized wooden tools to paint the Fence instead. This travesty of justice is the result of the erasure of our sacred history. Let us never forget history again, and continue painting The Fence with our balls and only our balls!