Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)
One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices against one another to prove once and for all that drunk driving is better.
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1. Drunk driving forces you to live in the moment.
In order to properly drive drunk, you'll be utterly black-out wasted. If you remember any step in the process of getting home, you didn't go hard enough. If you do it right, you'll know as you swerve your way down a residential street that this is a moment between your present self, the road, and god himself. No action you take will be motivated by the desire to form a memory for your future self to reflect on, nor will it be a product of the thoughts, desires, and regrets which your drowning hypothalamus can't quite tickle. In contrast, sex is held back by the future and the past, both of yourself and of your partner(s), in a way which makes it far less pure of a hedonistic communion.
2. Drunk driving doesn't discriminate.
The problem with sex as a deadly sin is that it can quite quickly lose its transgressiveness and, in fact, become positively safe. Drunk driving, on the other hand, is transgressive, dangerous, and illegal no matter what your marital status is, whether you're cis or trans, straight or gay, wearing a condom or not, licensed to drive or unlicensed, and regardless of if you're "old enough." Any person, no matter their identity or status, can slam back some shots and get behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, and that's beautiful.
3. Drunk driving won't hurt your self-esteem.
Our culture ties a lot of baggage to sex and nudity, which makes any sort of self-esteem issue regarding anatomy, gender identity, or experience a potential source of discomfort. Drunk driving transcends such matters. You cannot drive drunk badly. The better your driving is, the longer you can drive, and the worse your driving is, the more you surrender yourself to the experience. Any mistakes are a product of your intoxication and any victories are a product of your uninhibited instinct. It's not just that you love drunk driving, drunk driving loves you.
4. Drunk driving has fewer long-term consequences.
Once you drive home FUBAR'd off mystery liquors, park your car, and stumble inside to crash for the night, nothing's different in the morning, unlike sex. If you sleep with a stranger, that brings up a complicated set of possible regrets or complexities. If you sleep with a friend, you have to rethink how you approach your relationship with that person. If you sleep with a coworker, your workplace dynamic might be shifted permanently. It doesn't all dissolve in the dreamless sleep and blurry hangover that follows a passionate fit of drunk driving.
5. You can drive drunk with friends and strangers.
The complexities of having sex with friends and strangers, as I just established, are many. As soon as you bring more than one at once into the picture, it gets even messier. But with drunk driving on the other hand, you can have as many in the car as you want. Just do it! It'll be fine.
6. You can drive just a little drunk, or drive a lot drunk.
You can't have a "little bit" of sex. You can't be doing 10% of sex at one discrete point in time. That's just not a thing. But you can absolutely drive a "little bit" drunk. It's a continuous variable, in fact. Drunk driving gives you the power to define exactly how much you want out of the experience.
7. Drunk driving is sexy, but sex is not drunk driving-y.
Drunk driving is arguably one of the sexiest things someone can do. It's just so cool. If you can drive drunk like a pro, I want you so bad. You're the hottest person in the residential neighborhood. I would die for you, sexually speaking. But if you're good at sex, that actually inhibits drunk driving. More fucking is less driving. Less driving is less driving to do drunk. Why limit your options like that?
8. Drunk driving stimulates the GDP more than sex.
Alright alright, I promised one bad reason. But it's true! Drunk driving is inherently better for the market than sex. If this is the sort of thing you're into, take that under consideration.