Dear Alumni:
Dear CMU alumni,
I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to tell you that we wish you'd just die already.
We need money. CMU is trying to starve us out, and stealing random first-years' IDs for print budget just doesn't pay the bills like it used to. We considered writing you a sincere little note about your cool little job and how readme could pave the way for younger CMU students to follow in your footsteps, but statistically, you're probably a piece of shit who works in the defense industry or investment banking.
If you flip this page over and turn it inside out, you'll find photos taken through the scope of a rifle, showing you throughout your daily routine. If you have a wife or children, they'll be in there too. This is not extortion and we will not accept your money. We would sooner let this be the last thing we ever print than give you the slightest hint of appreciation or respect.
Sincerely,
The README Fundraising Committee