Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol
In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to find out.
Au Bon Pain
Need to drown your Pain? Check out ABP's "signature cocktails," a new set of menu additions! Our reviewers found it confusing to order on a block, and the wait was long, but the drinks had unique spins and good flavor. We particularly liked the "Bad Egg," eggnog with 40% alcohol by volume.
Capital Grains
Capital Grains, as the hippest location on campus, serves only local microbrew IPAs, on tap from 11:30 AM to 3:00 PM. We recommend going at 2:00 PM happy hour and getting two pints on a block!
Crisp and Crust
While the wait is about half an hour to get a glass of wine, Crisp and Crust has one of the more refined beverage selections despite its fast-casual appearance.
De Fer
Want a paper cup of vodka and a mixer from a barista with pronouns? De Fer's your go-to destination. Just don't go between classes!
The Edge
If all you're looking for is a cheap shitty beer, The Edge has your back. Sit at the bar and enjoy a half dozen Buds on flex while you watch the game.
Entropy+
Entropy used to be the number one source on campus for caffeine, but after a decade of slinging uppers in pill, can, or cup form, it's time for a depressant to enter the fray. Grab yourself an overpriced bottle of the worst everclear you've ever tasted, if you can handle the wait at the register!
El Gallo de Oro
You might head to Gallo hoping for an authentic cerveza, maybe a Corona, Modelo, or Tecate. But instead, you'll find watered down American rip-offs, and wake up with a headache and regrets.
Millie's Coffee 'n' Creamery
In the market for an ice cream cocktail? Cool off and get fucked up all in one, with Millie's newest concoction, available in six flavors. If that's too normal, try the cement mixer!
Nourish
At Nourish, it's all business. No mixers, no flavor, nothing unnecessary or allergenic. Just straight vodka.
Schatz Dining Room
Just what Schatz always needed: bottomless martinis! For just a block, get blitzed on a middle aged mom's favorite beverage while you eat shitty food off barely-cleaned plates. Overall it doesn't do much to improve the experience, wouldn't recommend.
Scotty's Market
If you're hoping to throw your own party, or drink alone in your dorm room, Scotty's has got you covered. They don't ID, and they take flex!
Shake Smart
Want to drink alcohol, but feel healthy about it? Ask for a hard lemongrass smoothie! Get the nutrients you need to thrive while you stumble home from Highmark. We found you don't get much for what you pay, but hey, you're paying for the lifestyle.
Stack'd
The Stack'd Dessert Bar is gone, and is now just the Stack'd Bar. TVs have seemingly sprouted from the walls, playing sports highlight reels. Grab yourself the beer you always needed to accompany your burger and fries.