CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday
As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.
Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss Babeigh certainly sets a new bar, pursuing a Ph.D. under all seven departments of SCS. Her seminal work in hyper-efficient Bayesian inference, which she published nine hours ago, is expected to revolutionize the modern fields of statistics and AI. Professors say Babeigh is a pleasure to have in class, with one MLD faculty member noting that she “poops her pants slightly less often than the other computer science grad students.”
The young prodigy is expected to finish her various doctorates within six months, most of which will be spent waiting for researchers to finish writing their praises of her work. Postgraduation, Babeigh plans to enroll in preschool, citing a strong interest in juice boxes, Bluey, and the color yellow. When asked about a potential return to research, Babeigh responded: “baaaaaah shplebablabbbbbbbbbaaaaah baaaaeeeeuhhhh,” before promptly shitting herself. Tiger parents worldwide have begun rigorously training their infants, anticipating a nightmare scenario where their child might not be the most intelligent one in the room.