MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival Committee was quoted to have said “What?”. Further interviews with various booth chairs discovered that nobody really knew what an OSHA violation entailed. A full investigation will be held, during which no construction will be allowed. Students have protested the decision by building second booths on both sides of Midway. The makeshift blockade has trapped OSHA inspectors within Midway, and multiple booth organizations have taken up medieval siege warfare in an attempt to regain control of their booths. The situation remains tense and is unlikely to be resolved before the end of Spring Carnival. Below, README has compiled a list of the alleged violations that were reported:
As per section 1926.51(a)(4) of the OSHA guidelines, the common drinking cup is prohibited on any construction site. Multiple builders were seen drinking water from such cups while working on Midway. Members of the CMU KGB were spotted eating spackle. A fire extinguisher full of gasoline was spotted next to other safety equipment, violating section 1926.150(c)(1)(vii) of OSHA guidelines. Multiple students were spotted shining lasers directly into each other's eyes to see if it would blind them. CMU only provided plain cotton for ear protection, in violation of section 1926.101(c). Students were seen using scissor lifts as battering rams to knock over other booths. Hard hats provided to students were made out of styrofoam. Multiple organizations used said hard hats to create napalm to attack competing booths. As booths are made of wood and wood is flammable, the entirety of Midway was covered in combustible materials without proper safety precautions. A fire hydrant was replaced with a sign stating “hope that it rains”.
README urges all of its readers to follow proper safety guidelines, and to not use the provided information as a bucket list to complete before the end of Carnival. However if you do choose to do so, please let README staff know so you can be included in next week’s crime report.
