Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer
EVERETT, WA
After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers used on Boeing’s assembly lines. Keeneyed observers have been quick to note that the new printers are the exact same model as the previous ones, just more expensive now that they’ve gone off sale. “Money really can solve problems,” said one Boeing research executive, gesturing to images of the new printers. “You ever hear that saying, ‘you get what you pay for?’ Well, we tossed a bit of green at the hoopla and it just went poof! Hahahaha!” When further questioned about what exactly in the production process changed, his seemingly jovial attitude disappeared and he replied, “Shut up.”
At Boeing’s official Q3 2025 conference later that day, CEO Kelly Ortberg took the floor to address the company’s reputational rebound. “It is with great pleasure that I announce our planes are now 15% less likely to fall out of the sky!” he joked, which was met with nervous chuckles. He continued, “Going forward, we’re looking to implement more of our new 3D printers into commercial jet production. I mean, who hasn’t wanted to fly in a plane made of PLA?” Immediately, a brave soul from the press pool jumped up to question Ortberg about the company’s history of cutting corners and if these new 3D printers were just a distraction from their shortcomings. “Cutting corners? Who is ‘Corners’? Are they okay?” he replied while getting ready to receive an additional $7.5 million in stock options. A fellow journalist leaned over to me and whispered, “Yikes, this guy has some seriously fucked up vibes,” which I unfortunately can not agree nor disagree with as an arbiter of the most unbiased truths here at readME. However, if I were to hypothetically say that I agree with their hypothetical statement, then that hypothetically wouldn’t be wrong. Hypothetically.