Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable
BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is not a suitable environment for childbirth, referencing the statistic that 6% of women die in childbirth already. Giving birth in an unsanitary stable surrounded by donkeys, cattle, and goats raises the possibility that Mary will contract donkey-borne illnesses such as leptospirosis or brucellosis, increasing her chance of death to 19%. Celsus, an up-and-coming dermatologist from Rome, declares that the best environment for childbirth is “one devoid of disturbances such as braying, mooing, bleating, or indiscriminate hay-munching.” Celsus also expresses concern that goats, known to have diverse appetites, will try to bite the infant’s hair as it exits the birth canal. The owner of the manger is now facing criticism for allowing a pregnant woman, whose odds of dying were already 35%, to give birth in a stable instead of evicting some less needy guest.
Several magi were also present at the scene, each of them having brought gifts to aid the dangerous birth. One of them, Balthasar, testifies, “I was alerted of this important matter by an angel who gave me a dream to warn me of the poor mother’s 47% chance of dying in childbirth.” Balthasar presented a gift of frankincense to mask the smell of the animals. Another, Melchior, brought a sizable amount of gold to pay for any medical fees – or, if all else fails, funeral fees – incurred from the risky barnyard birth. Gaspar’s present of myrrh should help reduce inflammation in Mary and lower her risk of death to 66%.
Mary’s husband, Joseph, was also questioned as to why he did not seek out better lodging for his nine-months-pregnant wife. Joseph, calm in the knowledge that his wife bore the son of God and that such births have only an 85% mortality rate, points out that “the hay was the perfect substance with which to soak up blood without leaving too much of a mess.” This reporter is especially worried about the infant’s current proximity to the donkey, having been bitten rather painfully by said donkey. Mary was unavailable for comment, suffering from sepsis after having contracted an infection and potentially about to join the ranks of the 99% of women who die in childbirth.