A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"
It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the attractiveness of freshmen) confidently strutting your way, smelling like a middle schooler who's just discovered Axe body spray, taking time during every stride to make sure your chest and/or groin hasn't gone anywhere in the meantime.
Time freezes. You've found someone who read the sex guide. Don't bother hitting them; a dense layer of condoms stuffed in every pocket and liner of their clothing provides excellent shielding. Don't run either. You'll just leave them targeting some other poor grad student or unimpressive male. You'll want to go for the kill.
As soon as they hit you with a pick-up line or ask for your name, year, pronouns, major, and hometown, ask how their parents are doing. Is their mom proud of them? Does she think CMU is a good enough school? What about their grades, is a 3.3 GPA really going to be enough for a plane ticket home this winter? And just like that, another sex guide reader is reminded that no amount of temporary pleasure will make up for the feelings of inadequacy they'll never fully escape.