A Grad Student's Guide to PA Liquor Laws
Congratulations on starting grad school! It’s like freshman year all over again, except now you’re old, and alcohol isn’t new and cool anymore. On the bright side, getting your hands on a drink should at least be significantly easier this time around, right?
Wrong. The state of Pennsylvania is doing its best to replicate your experience of buying alcohol as a teenager. The PA Liquor Control Board is an omniscient, omnipotent, and omnimalicious force that stands between you and your cold ones. It acts in nefarious ways that will make themselves increasingly known to you the longer you spend time here.
As you find yourself wandering the streets of Pittsburgh, you may notice what appears to be a chain of liquor stores called “Fine Wines and Good Spirits”. All of these stores are owned by the People’s Republic of Pennsylvania, and every one closes at 9 PM. Every morning you want to start your day off right with a few shooters in your coffee, you need to do it through the government. Awful, and an infringement on your rights as an American (even if you’re an international student).
You may also notice the presence of several establishments named “It’s Dogg’n It”. There’s one on Murray Ave in Squirrel Hill, and one off of Atwood and Forbes. You may also notice they all have a broken hot dog machine and two plastic folding chairs in the corner. This makes these establishments restaurants; the fact that they don’t serve any food isn’t their fault. The hot dog machine is broken. It’s not plugged in anyway, because it’s broken. No they won’t try turning it on, it’s not working. It might blow a fuse or something. Stop asking about the hot dog machine. There will be no dogg’n it tonight, or any night. Just purchase your legal 2 AM restaurant twelve-pack and leave the overworked staff alone.
Lastly, all bar specials end at midnight [1]. That is because joy is not allowed after 11:59 PM and generally frowned upon during regular business hours. If you are having too much fun after then, either the bartender has to hit you with a baseball bat, or you must pay a fine. For similar reasons, bars are allowed a cap of 24 happy hours per week [2]. This has disastrous effects on, like, the economy and small business owners and stuff.
Americans have a constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness, a right that is hindered under current Pennsylvania law. When people call Pennsylvania a red state, they are really referring to their un American, Soviet tier liquor laws.
References:
[1]: 40 Pa. Code § 13.102
[2]: 47 Pa. Statutes § 4406(g)