What Can Women Do?

The Pentagon recently declared that they are opening up all military position to women. What else can women do in this day and age?

• Run for President

• Vote for President

• Build war machines for troops fighting overseas

• Hold a full-time job outside the home while also raising children

• Lean the fuck in

• That thing where you spin the pencil around the heel of your thumb/palm (damn it’s so cool)

• Play with Legos

• Edit satirical newspapers

• Eat satirical newspapers

• Eat bacon

• Beat the crap out of bad people

• Be Thor

• Not give birth

• Drive war rigs

• Have it all in the Big City

• Call Drake on his cellphone (actually, she used to do that, so…)

• Orgasm

• It

Women Can’t Stop Harassing Joe

Look at that hussy, daring  to be in the same room as Joe Biden.

Look at that hussy, daring to be in the same room as Joe Biden.

On February 18, the United States welcomed new Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter. While it is sure that Carter will make a wonderful addition to the cabinet, readme was unable to pay attention to the inauguration speech due to the unseemly behavior of one Mrs. Carter.

 

Stephanie Carter arrived in a scandalous black dress with sleeves that failed to cover her elbows, standing tantalizingly close to Vice President Joe Biden, no doubt in hopes of seducing him with her fiery countenance. As the speech began, she maneuvered herself into his arms, leaving the poor VP with no choice but to leave his hands on her shoulders and fake a smile.

 

readme is extremely upset with the lack of coverage in the mainstream media: how can we just stand by and watch while this woman abuses her power as the wife of a cabinet member to sexually harass an innocent man in front of our very eyes? We know that Joe Biden is a lady magnet (Remember 13-year-old Maggie Coons who infamously tried to kiss Biden to his obvious distress earlier this year?), but seriously woman, keep in in your pants.

 

Joe Biden is just one prominent example in a string of cases of women abusing men in the safety of the public eye. Another recent victim is John Travolta, who was violated by Idina Menzel at the Oscars when she inappropriately stroked his hand with her face onstage and by Scarlett Johansson, who wrapped herself in his embrace and pressed her cheek upon his lips while the helpless celebrity did the only proper thing he could — stared stonily into the distance until it was over.

 

This flagrant sexism and abuse of power cannot be tolerated if we are to progress as a society. Women are not entitled to men’s bodies, and this kind of inappropriate touching is but one of the many reasons why men feel unsafe in the public sphere. We need a system in which women are taught to respect men, rather than men being taught to defend themselves from women. As long as the current system stands, we can only expect to see more stories of poor men unable to fend off such unwanted advances. So here is readme doing its part to spread awareness.

J.K. Rowling Writing Fan Fiction Again

Saturday proved to be a flurry of activity for fans everywhere – fans of Harry Potter that is. Not only was it only the day before the Super Bowl (a fact relevant to some HP fans, we’re sure), but it was also the day that J.K. Rowling revealed she was still trying her hand at writing fan fic for the Harry Potter series. The news disturbed many fans, particularly because it also announced that Rowling was trying to ship H/Hr (in layman’s terms, advocating for a Harry and Hermione relationship). 

Since the climactic end of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”, and beginning with the epilogue of that book, Rowling has kept busy by writing fan fiction for her own books. From the getgo, avid Harry Potter fans have had mixed reactions to her work as a fan fiction writer. While some lauded her glimpse into the future lives of the original Harry Potter crew, others decried her work as “amateurish” and “totally campy”. Many of the short story’s critics decried its “fairytale” style ending; more specifically, they complained that it was too convenient that everyone in the Harry Potter series seemed to grow up into marrying the spouses of their dreams, having 2.5 children, and setting up their Protego Maximas behind white picket fences. “Besides,” added a fan on a forum of harrypotterfanfiction.com, “she chose some terrible names for all the children.”

 

Even less rabid fans can remember some of the controversy over Rowling’s later works. In 2011, Rowling wrote about the fictional death of Ron Weasley, which drew a sudden and sharp divide between “Ron” and “Dead Ron” camps in the fan base. More infamously, in 2007 Rowling let on that Dumbledore was gay. Fans had assumed at the time that it was her way of teasing an epic about the former headmaster’s love life, since the issue hadn’t been explored in any of the books, but Rowling has yet to make any announcement of the sort. 

But what seemed to upset the fan base the most about her project with Hermione x Harry was a throwback to criticism over the short story “Epilogue”. One fan (and wonderful fan artist) by the handle of “toerning” wrote:

“A lot of it has to do with… her portrayal of “happy couples”: met at school, got married immediately afterwards, and started popping out kids ASAP. Lily and James, Molly and Arthur, and basically the whole next generation. It seemed to me that her focus on this conventional pattern was wish-fulfilling to a distracting point. She was so focused on having everyone do the same family act that she forgot to ask: what would these characters actually DO now? She wrote a lot of exceptional characters, and then sort of threw all their complexities out the window by squeezing them all into the same version of her personal favorite scenario, and that made me feel really betrayed and sad.” 

Which is a good point.

 

Women Have Won the War on Women

On a talk show following President Obama’s State of the Union address, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul addressed a growing problem in the country not addressed by the president. That is to say the problems men are increasingly having in competing with the female counterparts.

“This whole sort of war on women thing, I’m scratching my head because if there was a war on women, I think they won. “ He went on to explain that, “the women in my family are incredibly successful. I have a niece at Cornell vet school, and 85% of the young people there are women. Law school, 60% are women. In med school, 55%. My younger sister is an OB-GYN with six kids and doing great. I don’t see so much that women are downtrodden. I see women rising up and doing great things.”

Well, readme would just like to extend a hand to Rand Paul’s niece and his younger sister. Their successes are exactly what women need to shake them out of their self-pitying stupor. So what if most women only make 77 cents to the man’s dollar? So what if the GOP with Paul at the frontlines is campaigning against health plans that include access to birth control pills and against access to safe abortions? We aren’t so downtrodden. In fact we’re practically doing the trodding! 

“ In fact, I worry about our young men sometimes because I think the women are outcompeting the men in our world…” continued Paul. “The women in my family are doing great. That’s what I see in all the statistics coming out. I have, you know, young women in my office that are the leading intellectual lights of our office. So I don’t really see this, that there’s some sort of war on women that’s, you know, keeping women down. I see women doing great and I think we should extol that success and not dumb it down into a political campaign that somehow one party doesn’t like women or that. I think that’s what’s happened. It’s all been for political purposes.”

I mean no one can argue against the facts. Women are going to college. More women than men. 57% of college students are women (at most colleges, not CMU. Good luck, guys), and the pay gap is shrinking  for millennials so that women in our generation make almost 93% of what the men make. With Cornell graduates like Paul’s niece taking over colleges, women have little to complain about.  

And these statistics apply for all true American women. And by true we mean women with college educations, not the one in three women that live in poverty, the two in three minimum wage workers that are women or black and hispanic women that only make 64 cents to the man’s dollar. 

Women like our classmates at CMU don’t have to worry. Women graduating with an MBA make $250,000 a year. We should remember that the supposed “War on Women” hurts men most of all, struggling to support the cost of birth control pills and the increase of minimum wage on their $400,000 salaried MBAs. We should at least be providing free viagra therapy.

People Die While Women Have Sex

While we may deride the media for focusing on sensationalist details like sex and violence over statement of the facts, recent headlines implying that a woman’s sex life was responsible for the deaths of her two sons, rather than the gross negligence involved in her locking them in an overheating car for an hour and a half, have led scientists to a shocking discovery: people die while women have sex.

“People die at a rate of 1.73 deaths per second worldwide. For each of those seconds, you can expect that some woman is having sex somewhere,” explains Dr. Mansplain, a researcher with a PhD in comparative religion. “Looking at the data, it’s alarming how often we the two occur concurrently.” Mansplain is the head of a group of researchers investigating the surprising correlation between female sexuality and death, as chronicled by the headlines of the most reputable news sites like Fox and the Huffington Post. If their data is to be believed, approximately eighty percent of all deaths worldwide occur within twenty-five miles of a woman.

“It’s horrible,” noted the primary funder of the research, billionaire Thurston Oldmoney. “All this death while women have sex. Their male partners, who are of course blameless, would be appalled to know that their unwilling cooperation in women’s sex is leading to massive amounts of death.” The research team itself, however, has hesitated to say definitively that women having sex is the cause of human mortality. “We have to remember that causation is a complicated thing,” Mansplain reminded reporters, “It’s entirely possible that the knowledge that somewhere someone is dying is what drives women to have sex.”

Regardless, the implications of this research are potentially world-changing. After all, some have asked the research team, if their hypothesis is correct then could not the worldwide death rate be dramatically reduced by men refusing to have sex with women? “Whoa, let’s not get crazy now,” Mansplain said in response. “I mean, you can’t put the blame for this on men. That’s totally unfair.” Likewise, others added, does that mean sex between men does not cause people to die and should thus be encouraged? “What? No,” replied Mansplain. “That causes hurricanes. We’ve been over this, guys. Keep up.”

 

List: Things Politicians Have Compared Other Things To

 

Obamacare has been compared to slavery

Women have been compared to farm animals

The Tea Party has been compared to the KKK

The Tea Party to terrorists

Obama to Hitler, of course

Obamacare to the Titanic

Obamacare to Star Wars

Abortion to the Holocaust

Abortion to slavery

Gay marriage to polygamy

Gay marriage to paganism

Gay marriage to incest

Gay marriage to 9/11

Republicans compared their fight to keep the government shut down to the Civil War…with them as the Confederates

NCAA to the mafia

Iran deal to appeasement in WW2