Pittsburgh Government Covertly Attempting to Induce Climate Change

by Mark Saporta, Municipal Machinations Correspondent

In a shocking development in local politics, an expose on the internal workings of the municipal government of Pittsburgh released earlier this week has revealed that both the mayor and the city council are actively attempting to effect climate change.

The document, released anonymously, directly quotes several higher-ups in the city government brainstorming ways to discreetly funnel money towards advancing climate change, from hiring gang members to destroy electric cars, to creating a vaguely-purposed super PAC that secretly devotes all contributions to setting aerosol cans on fire, to breeding especially flatulent cows.

Naturally, this report has enraged and confused many Pittsburghers, who are understandably loath to see their tax money both figuratively and literally burned on a seemingly counterproductive enterprise. Like them, readme is seeking answers to why the Democrat-controlled city government has taken such an aggressively climate-unfriendly stance, and has turned to Mayor Bill Peduto for an explanation:

 

readme: In all my years as a political analyst, I have never encountered any government actively embracing climate change, let alone a liberal one. Why are you doing this?

Peduto: Look outside.

readme: What? Uh…okay.

(At this point, your correspondent looked out the window of the mayor’s office. As per usual, it was overcast.)

Peduto: Q.E.D.

readme: Well, I mean…

Peduto: Pittsburgh has the most dismal weather this side of Chicago. The only times it’s not cloudy is when it’s raining. The only times it’s not uncomfortably cold is when it’s uncomfortably hot. It’s humid, it’s damp, it’s windy, it’s just generally gross. Our snow even sucks! Why wouldn’t we be trying to change the climate? What change could there be that wouldn’t be an improvement from what we have?

readme: Isn’t that rather selfish?

Peduto: As the mayor of Pittsburgh, my duty is first and foremost towards my constituents. If parching California gives us more sunny, 70-degree days in February, then I know where my priorities lie. And hey – any money we invest in inducing climate change will be more than recouped by the tons of rock salt we won’t have to buy every winter. It’s just good governance.

readme: That day was pretty damn nice.

Peduto: Imagine if every day in February was like that. All it would take would be a few more wildfires, a few more islands sunk into the ocean, and a few more sad people on the other side of the world. My government considers the costs worthwhile, and we think voters will too.

readme: Well, Mr. Mayor, thank you for your time, and hopefully the history books don’t demonize your decision any more than is appropriate.

At press time, the temperature in Pittsburgh had once again fluctuated 60 degrees, just like every goddamn Tuesday.

4 Tips to Staying Warm this Winter

J. Narra, Screechfeed Staff Writer

cute-animals-little-polar-bear-cubs0hugging-cuddling-pics

As the temperature drops, it’s time to find a good way to stay warm. While blankets and hot chocolate are all well and good, truly the best way to keep warm is a romantic partner to cuddle under the covers. Now if you already have a partner or kept someone nearby who was suitable for the job for this exact purpose, congratulations! You are well prepared to survive these upcoming harsh winter months. For those of us who have yet to prepare, I have some quick and handy tips to acquire and keep a handy source of heat.

  1. Pick a Partner: While this might seem like the easiest task, do not be deceived. Many things need to align before you know that you’ve found a good partner. Finding someone with compatible astrological signs, beer preference, and sailing expertise is hard but not impossible. Don’t settle for someone who’s nice or easy to talk to, none of that shit matters in the long run and you want this relationship to last at least several months. Get your head in the game, this is your relationship and life on the line. Do you want to freeze? So, if the stars don’t align send them to the back of the line!
  2. Create Distance: Now that you’ve found the perfect partner, time to turn on the seduction. As the saying goes, “distance makes the heart grow fonder,” use this to your advantage and completely avoid any contact with your future space heater. Wait for them to come to you, and that’s when you implement the next step.
  3. Be Perfect: Now that you’ve garnered their interest, time to strike up conversation. Now to ensure that your partner accepts your advances you must primp yourself. There are two main ways to do this. First, center the conversation around yourself. You want to make the best impression and the only way to accomplish this is to only talk about yourself. Keep in mind, to really enrapture your future partner, you must have no flaws. Second, belittle everything about your conversation partner. It makes sense that to make yourself look better, make partner look and feel worse. With enough belittling, they will realize that you are perfect…perfect for them!
  4. Communication is Key: Communication is the key that will unlock the chains that bind you to your partner, so never communicate. It’ll be hard to not talk while you cuddle and latch onto them for warmth, but try your best. If you do feel the need to break the silence, tell lies. By lying, you increase the mystery surrounding you and everyone loves a good mystery. Your partner will become so invested in figuring you out that you’ll have a steady relationship for at least several months.

Winter is coming, people, and you need to be prepared. It’s projected to be one of the worst in Pittsburgh history, which isn’t saying much. Hopefully, these tips will help you make it to next spring with someone to last you several years. Investing in relationships that only last one winter is inefficient and I want you to spend your time wisely. Good luck!

Cold Weather Forces California Students to Wear Something Other Than Summer Clothes

The recent changes in temperature at CMU, while normal for Pittsburghers, have caused what is being called “a fucking ice age” for west coast students.  Normally at peace with the weather, Californians hold a rather lenient dress code.  However, the amount of skin that is left exposed to the air is far too great, and chills the body of the student thoroughly.  If the student cannot find a place to warm up, this cold could lead to hypothermia, lethargy, death, and worst of all, a drop in their grades.  Fortunately they have found a way to prevent this cold outcome, and that is by covering themselves with the ceremonial winter clothing of Pittsburgh.  However useful the new garments seem to be, they still conflict with the old ways of showing some skin, and letting the sun in.  Some students have isolated themselves in their dorms, standing around heaters wearing basketball shorts and shirts with “surfing est. 1846” on them.  Others, have tried to bear the weather without any protection.  This hasn’t gone well for them.

 

Other things Californians are not used to:

  • Free water fountains
  • Water, period
  • Every restaurant has FUCKING SANDWICHES
  • Every restaurant has regular sandwiches
  • White Christmas
  • Heaters
  • Haters
  • The phrase “stay warm”
  • Conspicuous lack of tens to hang

Pittsburgh Weather Strikes Again

It’s that time of year again. In fact it’s always that time of year. You know, when the weather is just bizarre or really terrible. In case you are still scratching your head over the strange weather, just remember you are in Pittsburgh and everything will make sense. Now, readme is not complaining about the temperatures (although there were a few days that were a bit on the chilly side), but the rest of the weather is just getting plain bizarre. Anyone who wasn’t locked in their room for the entire day last Thursday should remember the huge thunderstorm with gale-like winds that hit campus that afternoon. readme remembers, and it has nothing to do with the fact that readme was hiding under the covers…

 

Well, anyway, readme would like to make some predictions for the upcoming months. First of all, Sweepstakes (that’s Buggy to all you plebeians—and if you don’t know what Buggy is, are you sure you go to school here?) is on Friday and Saturday this week, and according to the Smallgirlsdownhills Law of Weather it is bound to rain one of those days. readme is thinking Pittsburgh might try and shake things up by just having buggies fall from the sky. For the rest of April students should wear wetsuits in order to be able to swim through the spontaneous thunderstorms and still make it to class on time. They say that April showers bring May flowers but readme is pretty sure the flowers are just crushed by the torrential downpours and quietly replaced overnight by fairies without anyone being the wiser.

 

Not to get too far ahead, but for those students sticking around until finals, remember to stay near a building with a basement at all times. Most likely Pittsburgh will be filled with tornadoes all through the month of May. And by that, readme means that there will most likely be at least one or two resident tornadoes on CMU campus. In past years, they have tended to spend time down near Hamerschlag or near Resnik (to catch all those freshmen who just ate dinner). Remember, if you see a tornado, quickly report it to campus police, who will park some campus police cars around it in order to keep the student body safe from all harm. In the days before finals, don that wetsuit again in order to make it through the lake of blood, sweat, and tears that will pour from all of CMU’s students. Once that drains away you should be done with finals, and if you are done with finals, you really shouldn’t stay in Pittsburgh anymore.

 

For those of us here in the summer… well, the entire city of Pittsburgh will simply be sucked into a black hole, because that is how the universe works. Or maybe it’s just an anomaly of the weather here; either way readme doesn’t see any difference.

A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Weather Not be Horrible

Isn’t it lovely? The weather, that is. readme thinks so. I mean, who doesn’t love subzero temperatures? And the windchill? Love. It. While it can be a bit hard to breathe, or to keep your eyes from watering, readme has found the weather to be invigorating and refreshing. It has even made readme more energetic. Constantly slipping on snow and ice will do that to you. readme can’t get enough.

 

The best part is the blindingly white landscape (Seriously—readme experienced temporary blindness, which was so worth it, of course) blending with that lovely blue salt stuff that CMU puts down in nice little clumps. You see, the clumps of salt are just another part of the beautiful weather that readme can’t get enough of. How else would readme be able to wake up in the morning if not for the near-death experiences encountered at every patch of sidewalk that isn’t a pile of blue salt?

 

That breeze really tops things off, though. Not only does it help bring down the high temperatures (What if the snow melted? Then what?), but it also teams up with the ice to keep you on your toes—or your butt, depending on whether you just fell or not.

 

In fact, there’s really only one downside to this weather, and that’s that it’s over too soon. But never fear, world. readme is pleased to report a successful mission from its Punxsutawney agents. A pair of bright flashlights ensured that the world’s most beloved groundhog saw his shadow, thereby inducing an additional six weeks of winter. Unfortunately, our two agents were then immediately sucked into an endlessly repeating Groundhog Day loop reminiscent of that classic Bill Murray movie, “Ghostbusters,” so the poor saps weren’t able to enjoy the freezing weather like the rest of us. They never should have crossed the streams.

 

Well, readme is having a great winter. Having escaped the oppressive heat and Disney mascots (readme took a well-deserved vacation over winter break), readme was ecstatic to return to CMU and Pittsburgh’s fair weather. Because really, who doesn’t love this climate?

 

Choose Your Own Weather Report!

It's as good a guess as any, really.

It’s as good a guess as any, really.

Predicting the weather is hard, you guys. It’s even harder when you’re a biweekly news publication with no experience in meteorology whatsoever trying to write a funny article about weather in Pittsburgh that won’t be immediately rendered obsolete when winter finally hits. So readme’s decided to beat the system. Instead of making one prediction that will inevitably be proven wrong and make our readers hate us, readme has instead decided to predict ALL THE WEATHERS! So take your pick, and decide for yourself what the future holds.

 

Weather Forecast: Sunny.

 

Well, Pittsburgh, looks like winter has come and gone. Thank god for global warming, because it’s a balmy seventy-five degrees outside with not a cloud in the sky. Rainbows have been appearing out of nowhere all day and the sun is literally smiling at you. In fact, the whether is so good, it’s impossible for anything bad to happen, because science. That test last week you bombed? Totally won’t impact your GPA in any way. In fact, all of your midterms and finals have been canceled, and your professors have decided to give you all A’s. Everything is perfect, forever, and nothing about this will ever change.

 

Weather Forecast: Cloudy

 

Where’s global warming when you need it? It’s a cloudy day today, just like it’s been for the past week, and the temperature has remained at a frustrating constant of too cold for your light jacket, but not cold enough to pull your winter coat out of storage. The lack of sun is also having adverse effects on the time-space continuum, making all of your classes feel five times longer than they actually are while cutting your naptime down by half. To combat the inevitable feeling of ennui, readme’s medical experts recommend staring listlessly out your window while procrastinating on doing any actual work. Your professors will totally understand, and will absolutely not give you zeroes.

 

Weather Forecast: Cold

 

Looks like the actual weather people were right about this one. An arctic super-cyclone just swept through the city, bringing with it all the cold we’d managed to avoid these last two months, as well as a deluge of rain, sleet, and memes of Elsa from Frozen. We’ve had hail the size of golf balls, golf balls the size of hail, and so much ice that you’ll never get the salt off your shoes. Overnight, five feet of snow spontaneously dropped onto CMU campus, forcing students to cut open their Tauntauns’ bellies and snuggle inside for warmth. Classes have not been canceled.

 

Forecast: Apocalypse

 

Well, looks like the Christians were finally right about that end of the world. Everyone’s been Raptured and all that remains is a fiery wasteland populated by hordes of the damned. Temperatures are expected to reach highs of 666 degrees Celsius with a chance of hellfire raining from the skies. Those with sensitive skin are recommended to remain indoors to avoid the risk of roaming demons making a coat from your pelt. Classes have not been canceled.