EPA Commends Deer Park’s Eco-Slim Cap

deer park

Spencer Early, Plastic Whistle Blower

Deer Park (100% Natural Spring Water) researcher Dr. Lynda Hortshire spent 4 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days researching and developing the revolutionary Eco-Slim cap as we know it today. The research team at Deer Park determined that, by substituting a smaller mold in the factory, the caps could be made 30 percent smaller. Only 4 months and 1.2 million dollars later, they discovered that the entire bottle could be manufactured using less plastic if they simply made the walls of their bottles thinner.

In this revolutionary discovery, Deer Park changed from their proprietary size A51 bottle to their radical new 500 mL design. It is truly remarkable how the human will never fails to improve. However, some have stated Dr. Hortshire is merely reducing packaging costs for Deer Park while simultaneously doing some schnazzy marketing.

Evidence for the landfill-shrinking potential of the Deer Park Eco-Slim cap is everywhere—just ask Paul Horker. Clambering along the ridgesides of Frick Park in search of his lost dog, Horker came across an improperly-disposed-of disposable water bottle, wedged between two mossy logs. “Where’d this come from?!” Generally inclined to remove litter, Horker approached this human-made debris. Upon closer inspection, it was nothing other than the Deer Park 500 mL bottle, proclaiming on its label “smaller cap, less plastic.”

“Wow!” exclaimed Horker. “I mistook the friend for foe. Not only does this bottle feature the Eco-Slim cap, which uses 30 percent less plastic, the bottle itself was—wait a sec—the cap is missing! Great, that means even smaller environmental impact,” Paul elaborated as a chipmunk slowly suffocated, trapped inside the bottle. Meanwhile, a colony of mosquitoes thrived in rainwater accumulated in the cap, preparing to infect the world with malaria and Zika virus. To summarise, Deer Park’s latest technology in disposable water bottles allows for chucking them wherever you do so desire.

In fact, one of the greatest garbage-generating activities one can engage in is the use of a reusable water bottle, because compared to a single-use bottle, they contain an average of 21 times the total plastic, and the caps contain 127 times more plastic. Therefore, the EPA recommends consumers to use only single-use Deer Park plastic bottles.

What Else Don’t You Want in Your Water

Flint, Michigan has had heavily contaminated water for over a year, with high levels of lead. What else don’t you want in your water supply?

• Flourine, WE HAVE TO STOP THE REDS FROM POISONING OUR CHILDREN’S MINDS

• Alligators

• Flint

• Dihydrogen monoxide

• White supremacy

• A stagnating middle class

• Bears

• Water Bears

• LSD

• LDS

• Old drugs you flushed down the toilet instead of disposing of responsibly

• Old pets you flushed down the toilet instead of disposing of responsibly

• Fish

• Phish

• H+ ions

• Memories

• Andrew Carnegie’s heart

• Semen

• Seamen

• Air

• Air Supply

• Wolverines

• Motor agate

• Brawndo

• The Spanish Inquisition

• Untreated raw sewage

• Olympic Athletes (e.g. in Rio)

• Small children

• A very effective sponge

• Cyanide

• readme

Inside Brady’s Curio Cabinet

Pennsylvania representative Bob Brady took Pope Francis’ used water glass to drink from, share with friends and family, and bless his grandchildren. He plans to put it in his curio cabinet, where he also a water glasss that Obama drank from at his inauguration.

readme sees what else is in the curio cabinet…

• Marco Rubio’s water bottle

• Cup used to drink Kool-Aid at Jonestown

• Skull used by Hillary Clinton to drink the blood of her enemies

• Cup of Santorum’s santorum

• Ted Cruz’s last shred of dignity

• Andrew Carnegie’s heart (obviously, Brady’s curio is the work)

• One of Lynn Swann’s feathers

• A bezoar

• An authenticated Jackalope antler

• The Sacred Chalice of Rixx

• The world’s second-largest collection of gilded lilies

• Spain

• A coin dated 36 B.C.E.

• A palantir

• Five golden rings

• The word “palliative”

• Fifteen feet of gaffer tape

• Queen Margrethe’s trombone slide

• Listeria

• The Holy Grail (he chose… wisely)

• His hope for the future

• Lots and lots of alcohol

Mars Moves to DEFCON 2

A demonstration by the “Mars for Martians” political party

A demonstration by the “Mars for Martians” political party

Thatcher Montgomery, Mars Correspondent

Mars has moved to DEFCON 2 after learning that Earth became aware of the existence of water on the red planet’s surface. readme has the story.

“All cilia on deck! All cilia on deck!” a speaker blared somewhere in the depths of Mars. “Microbes assemble! This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill!”

As the militia-microbes scurried about in emergency response mode, regular Martian citizens panicked. “I grabbed as much as I could and just headed deeper underground,” one confided to readme. “Some dumbfuck left the sprinklers on, and who knows the next time we’ll be allowed back up near the surface again.”

Mars was last at DEFCON 2 when the first Earth-born probes touched down on the planet in 1971. That crisis only lasted a few days, as both probes were quickly disabled, either during descent or shortly after landing.

“We realized that they just weren’t going to give up, though. Our teams of super-bacteria were enough to take out the early attempts, but the cost was too great to continue seek and destroy missions. We lost a lot of good microbes,” a Martian Army official said.

Instead of destroying all attempts at colonization, the Martians adopted a new strategy. “If we just played it cool, maybe the Earthlings would just pass us by. Jupiter’s way bigger than us, and throws better parties, anyways.”

Tensions have been strained between the blue and red planets ever since the Romans designated Mars as the god of war. Still, it wasn’t until telescopes became popular that life truly changed for the Martian people.

“Using their new technology, the stupid apes were able to see all of our canals. We had to undergo a massive infrastructure project to remove them all by the time telescopes were advanced enough to see any details. We even had to kill off all of our vegetation! Luckily, they fell for it, and blame their initial observations on poor instruments.”

Why do the Martians want so badly not to be found by Earthlings?

“Well, we don’t mind Earthlings. We’re quite good friends with the dolphins, actually. It’s just the humans. We hear terrible things about them.”

readme tried to convince the Martians that humans weren’t so bad, but was quickly cut off. “Do you even hear what you’re saying? Just look at your own pages! Humans are constantly screwing things up. We don’t want any part in that.”