Spencer Early, Beloved Campus Icon Correspondent
During one of the campus tours on November 18, at the most hallowed part of the tour — the Fence — a prospective student jabbed a knife into the Fence, presumably to see exactly how thick those 4,724 layers of paint were. Garrett Thornburg, the alleged perpetrator, claims to have been “surveying the progress of all the organizations that made the six-legged piece of history possible. I figured the knife would give me a good idea just how thick the paint was.” However, the knife’s 5 inch blade was not long enough to go through all the paint, so Thornburg was unable to determine the paint’s thickness. To make matters worse, a whopping 82-ounce chunk of dried paint fell off the Fence.
“AAAARrrrgggghhhh!” an anguishing voice gasped, following the spilling of Fence blood. CMU Police heard the cries for help and called EMS for an emergency paint-aid.
With the thousands of volunteers teaming up to fill in the hulking dent, the Fence appeared to have been repaired to proper working order overnight.
Thornburg felt relieved that the Fence was not utterly destroyed by his knife, and life seemed to return to normal. But on the third day after The Incident, he noticed strange things beginning to happen. At first, it was just little oddities, like the feeling that any picture of Andrew Carnegie on his numerous advertisemen- er, college info mailings — was staring intently at him, or little pieces of gravel from the Fence’s surrounding area remaining stuck in his shoes, even after he thought he had cleaned them out.
However, the weird occurrences began amping up, in both frequency and intensity. The mailings kept coming, even after he asked to be removed from the list, and he tossed and turned in his sleep, having nightmares of that horrendous cry he had drawn from the Fence.
When Thornburg was out for walks, he had to keep looking over his shoulder, feeling like someone or something was following him. Stationary figures kept watch, appearing in the distance and walking up nearby flagpoles. Individuals with brightly-colored shirts kept sitting awkwardly still across the room in restaurants.
One day, the statues from Walking to Sky finally caught up with Thornburg. We will never speak of his fate, but let it be a warning to any who would dare incur the Curse of the Fence.