Senate Republicans to Launch Investigation Into Trump Autocannibalism Scandal

by Daniel Bork, Delicious, Delicious Correspondent

For the past few weeks, Senate GOP leaders have been consumed by the question of how best to respond to rising popular pressure over President Trump’s autocannibalism scandal. Beginning last month at a press conference in which it was discovered that the growing porosity and increasingly ruddy tinge of Trump’s skin was caused not by illness or foreign sabotage but by the President systematically excising and consuming significant sections of his own body, the issue came to a head over the weekend in the gruesome audio recordings leaked to the Washington Post. Many congressional Republicans in recent days have ruminated off the record to readme on the possible reactions: while no politician wants to appear soft on cannibalism, a total condemnation risks alienating the very populist base that powered their 2016 re-elections, a prospect that many in the Senate find tough to swallow. However, according to a Wednesday New York Times report, the Senate majority has finally finished digesting their options and plans to respond with a full investigation by the powerful Committee on Agriculture, Nutrition, and Forestry, to begin as early as this April.

Reached for comment at his Lexington home Wednesday, Sen. Mitch McConnell, an influential committee member who is also the Senate Majority Leader, responded that “since President Trump’s policies have been a great boon to conservatism when he has not been preoccupied with responding to media attacks, the time has come to clear the President’s plate by bringing the full power of the committee to bear on this unfortunate happenstance in the form of an investigation.” When asked about the possible cause of Trump’s self-masticatory fixation, McConnell speculated that “while Dr. Bornstein has assured the American people of President Trump’s unprecedentedly superlative health, it may be that the pressures of the Presidency have led him to become somewhat malnourished. Many non-experts do not know this, but the human body is actually the most complete known source of nutrition, containing every essential amino acid needed to survive in exactly the required proportions. A healthy adult male such as the President can expect to survive up to 4-6 weeks on the fruit of his vessel alone.”

When pressed for comment on the political implications of the scandal, a clammy and visibly pale House Speaker Paul Ryan, who was spotted Thursday desperately choking down chunks of his own flesh in the bathroom of noted Capitol Hill hotspot Charlie Palmer Steak, stammered that “I really think Trump has been great for party unity. We used to have all these factions, you know…the Freedom Caucus and the Tuesday Group and all that, who all ate separately and were all chomping at the bit to undermine each other.” After pausing briefly to suppress his gag reflex with a quick punch to the lower lip, Ryan haltingly continued: “Now, everyone’s working together to implement this new dining policy. I really think of this election result as a great victory for the conservative policy vision worldwide.” At this point, the Speaker became intensely focused on a particularly tough piece of his own thigh gristle and refused to respond to further attempts at questioning.

President Trump, in a rare phone interview with readme, rebutted concerns over his autophagy by noting that “Mmph, so good. Mmm. Delicious. Yeah.” In response to questions about the impact of his ingurgitation on the forthcoming re-rollout of his executive order on immigration, the President remarked that “that’s some good leg. Mmm, yes. Trump ouroboros.” Further inquiries on the impact of the scandal on foreign policy, and on the US relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin in particular, elicited copious lip-smacking and the occasional low moan.

At press time, the President had called a press conference to announce a new line of his famous Trump steaks.

New Hampshire Primary Won by Donald Trump

New Hampshire primary won by Donald Trump!

 

Predicts his polls will get a “big bump”

Then laughs at Kasich and the “republican establishment loser lump”

Says Rubio is “stuck in a slump”

Calls Cruz “a crappy classless clump”

And chides “Chris Christie is a chubby chub chump”

Followed up by telling Jeb “please clap” Bush to “get off this sinking ship and jump”

Next he grills Bernie for “being a grouchy grouch grump”

And heckles Hillary for “having a sad saggy hump”

This leads him bragging about his wife’s “butt being both firm and plump”

After which the Donald drops the mic and starts to crump

Suddenly! He pulls down his pants and shows off his glorious golden rump

And proceeds to take a massive onstage dump!!!

 

Poem by Ben Kaplan

Breaking News: GOP Debate Has Facts

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Apratim Vidyarthi, Truth Correspondent

For the first time in nine debates, the GOP debate took a shocking turn as a single candidate uttered a sentence that was rooted in reality. Frontrunner Donald Trump, accompanied by what observers claimed was a lion’s mane seated atop his head, stated that 9/11 happened under the watch of Jeb! Bush’s brother, George W. Bush. Trump took things to the next level, stating that the Iraq war was a failure which was sold to the American people through lies, lies, and “yuge” lies, and that “weapons of mass destruction weren’t discovered in Iraq.”

This clearly crossed a line for the Republican establishment. Unwilling to allow facts to be uttered at a GOP debate, leading fact-debunker Fox News lashed out at Donald Trump. Establishment candidates—who normally deny their association to the establishment—Cruz and Rubio attacked Trump, unwilling to let the man, who previously claimed that “Mexicans are rapists, though some might be good people,” get away with bringing real facts to the table.

Exemplifying the gravity of the situation, Jeb! Bush went as far as to claim that he and former President George W. Bush were actually brothers, and that despite 9/11 and the deaths of more than 5,000 American servicemen, 80,000 Iraqis, and the nonexistent capture of Osama bin Laden, W actually kept America safe.

Some say that George W. Bush and his administration had clear reason to go to war against a ruthless and crazy dictator who suppressed his people, developed weapons of mass destruction, funded terrorist groups, and endangered our allies. Of course, this country was North Korea, but because we use the Imperial system and they use the metric system, we miscalculated, and hit Iraq.

The GOP debate got heated the moment Trump lashed out with facts. Spectators also saw Cruz and Rubio, both children of immigrants who hate immigration laws, speak in Spanish and add insult to injury for those GOP debate watchers who only speak American. Some believe that these instances of facts and bilingualism will lead to the death of the GOP. Others simply watched the carnage, and like Governor John Kasich, just said “aw jeez, oh, man.”

Trump, Cruz Split Iowa Win in Heartwarming Gesture

cruz-trump-2016

Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

Realizing that their friendship was far more important than winning the primary, Republican presidential frontrunners (prolonged sigh) Donald Trump and (sharp noise of disgust) Sen. Ted Cruz announced in a joint press conference late Monday night that they planned to share first place in the Iowa caucus.

The candidates, finding that competing for Iowa had jeopardized their long held rapport, came to the conclusion that neither Iowa’s 30 delegates, nor the free positive media coverage that came from a first-place finish in Iowa, nor even the sense of inevitability that an Iowa victory engenders, was worth such an outcome.

According to staff from both campaigns, the decision to share the victory was made on a whim by Sen. Cruz at around 10 PM on the night of the caucus. Votes were just beginning to be counted, and all indicators showed that the race could go either way. Cruz had begun work on his victory speech, but the more that he wrote the less emotionally fulfilled he felt. Sources have confirmed that at this point a single tear rolled down Cruz’s face as he realized what he had thrown away to reach for this prize.

Tears now streaming down his face, Cruz personally called Donald Trump’s campaign headquarters and, stammering and hyperventilating, asked to talk to “the man [he’d] spent so many happy hours with.” When Cruz was then redirected to Trump and told him how he truly felt, Trump too burst into tears and agreed right then and there that this rift between them had to be mended.

The two old friends and their campaigns hastily organized a joint event at which they would announce that, no matter what the final result turned out to be, they would split credit for winning Iowa and, consequently, all the positive coverage that would ensue. This event was greeted with high praise by both the media and the general public, who, to quote one bystander, were “just happy to see these guys together again.”

Even representatives from rival campaigns had nothing but good things to say about this development. One of Ben Carson’s staffers present at the press conference said that when Trump and Cruz made their announcement it “just about melted my heart” and that “you know, this gives me hope that American politics can rise above the nastiness it’s been stuck in for the last 230 years.”

At press time, Sen. Marco Rubio had pulled a massive upset victory in Iowa after voters realized that both Trump and Cruz were completely unelectable.

Trump Proposes to Keep Aliens Out

Rin Fair, Trump Train Conductor

Millions of Americans have flocked to Donald Trump for his stern immigration policies and his commitment to “Make America Great Again.” Needless to say, readme was thrilled to obtain an exclusive interview with the legend himself, due to its valuable connections (read: undercover bears in the Trump campaign).

readme: Thank you for meeting us here today, Mr. Trump. We’ve been very curious, of course, about your controversial stance on immigration.

Trump: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, we can’t have any more illegal aliens in this country. So, what we’re going to do is we’re going to build a Great, Great Wall, and we’re going to make them pay for it.

readme: Right, so the question everyone’s been asking is, how are you going to make them pay for it?

Trump: You just make them. That’s how I manage my business. When they ask me how, I tell them, just do it. And it’s made me very, very rich.

readme: So, in other words, you’re going to make your underlings figure it out.

Trump: I don’t know why this is so hard. We just have to make them build a wall over America so no more aliens can come here.

readme: I’m sorry, did you say over America? As in, above the earth’s surface?

Trump: What did you think? To the North? Keep out the Canadians? Who wants to stop Justin Bieber from coming here? Get with the program.

readme: You’re literally worried about extraterrestrials landing in America and you want to make them build a satellitic wall to keep themselves out.

Trump: Of course. Aliens are dangerous criminals, and they steal our jobs. And some, I assume, are good people.

readme: Right. So just one more thing… What about the sun?

At this point, Trump glanced meaningfully at his bare wrist and exited without further comment.