Students protest Donald Trump fence while rest of campus burns

Rin Fair, prioritizing editor

With Carnival, exams, and the end of the year rapidly approaching, not to mention Hillary Clinton’s upcoming campus visit for her 2016 presidential campaign, and a petition circulating about sexual assault on campus, readme decided this would be a good time to talk about what really matters. The Donald Trump fence.

Just days after the tragic passing of two members of our campus community, CMU students have highlighted on another travesty that your Facebook feed might have you believe is just as important. Donald Trump’s name has been painted on the fence.

CMU is excellent at coming together when a tragedy occurs. Last week, our newsfeeds were flooded with messages of support and comfort. This week, everyone is protesting the Trump fence in solidarity. Perhaps next week, we can rise up and overthrow CulinArt if we put our minds to it.

readme is proud to be part of  such a community, where students can freely discuss the issues they find important: Donald Trump, sexual assault, Hillary Clinton, and stress culture (note: these are in no particular order).

readme, along with its brothers in the CMU community, fervently disapproves of this fence-painting atrocity. It feels that this pro-Trump message is taking attention away from the urgent issues that we need to address on campus. readme, of course, moved to paint the fence for Cthulhu instead. That should be much less dismissive of the problems that plague our university.

CMU “Tom Sawyer-ing” the Fence

bill_fence_select_ret

Look at all those suckers

Kwanpo Cheng, American Literature Expert

A civil complaint was recently filed by the Student Body President on behalf of all Carnegie Mellon clubs alleging that the administration had deceptively marketed the painting of the Fence as an advertising opportunity, but it is in reality only a cost-saving measure. The suit details, “By convincing the student body that painting the Fence promotes a particular club [or] organization, the Facilities Management System would not have to maintain the Fence.”

 

The complaint was filed after students noticed a striking resemblance between their current situation and one detailed in Mark Twain’s, “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.” Freshman David Chan explains, “After reading Chapter 2 for my Interpretation & Argument class, I realized the [Carnegie Mellon] administration represented Tom and we are poor Huckleberry Finn, duped into whitewashing the fence for years.” The head of facilities management has declined to comment.

 

“What other inspiration might the administration draw from Tom Sawyer?” wonders sophomore Emily Jacobs. “I remember Tom and Becky got lost in the caves at the conclusion of the book, only to show up at their own funeral later.”

 

Students predict the administration will get lost in the steam tunnels and show up at graduation by 2017.

Visitor Learns Not to Mess with the Fence

Walking to the Sky is more than just a lifeless piece of art

Walking to the Sky is more than just a lifeless piece of art

Spencer Early, Beloved Campus Icon Correspondent

During one of the campus tours on November 18, at the most hallowed part of the tour — the Fence — a prospective student jabbed a knife into the Fence, presumably to see exactly how thick those 4,724 layers of paint were. Garrett Thornburg, the alleged perpetrator, claims to have been “surveying the progress of all the organizations that made the six-legged piece of history possible.  I figured the knife would give me a good idea just how thick the paint was.” However, the knife’s 5 inch blade was not long enough to go through all the paint, so Thornburg was unable to determine the paint’s thickness. To make matters worse, a whopping 82-ounce chunk of dried paint fell off the Fence.

“AAAARrrrgggghhhh!” an anguishing voice gasped, following the spilling of Fence blood.  CMU Police heard the cries for help and called EMS for an emergency paint-aid.

With the thousands of volunteers teaming up to fill in the hulking dent, the Fence appeared to have been repaired to proper working order overnight.

Thornburg felt relieved that the Fence was not utterly destroyed by his knife, and life seemed to return to normal. But on the third day after The Incident, he noticed strange things beginning to happen. At first, it was just little oddities, like the feeling that any picture of Andrew Carnegie on his numerous advertisemen- er, college info mailings — was staring intently at him, or little pieces of gravel from the Fence’s surrounding area remaining stuck in his shoes, even after he thought he had cleaned them out.

However, the weird occurrences began amping up, in both frequency and intensity. The mailings kept coming, even after he asked to be removed from the list, and he tossed and turned in his sleep, having nightmares of that horrendous cry he had drawn from the Fence.

When Thornburg was out for walks, he had to keep looking over his shoulder, feeling like someone or something was following him. Stationary figures kept watch, appearing in the distance and walking up nearby flagpoles. Individuals with brightly-colored shirts kept sitting awkwardly still across the room in restaurants.

One day, the statues from Walking to Sky finally caught up with Thornburg. We will never speak of his fate, but let it be a warning to any who would dare incur the Curse of the Fence.

List: Ways to beat second quarter depression

Preemptively get third quarter depression

I don’t want to finish this list. Can I get an extension?

Remember that if you pass 251 this semester, you’ll never have to take it again

Go back to sleep

Write a list for readme

Sob uncontrollably and break all your things. Studies show this helps!

Accept that this is what your life will be like from now on

 A billy club. Wait, beat depression? I thought you said children

If you can’t beat depression, join depression

Fill it in with dirt. DID YOU KNOW: The Cut used to be a depression!

Remind yourself that you have at least a glimmer of hope for your future, unlike all of the other poor saps who made the bad decision to not have been born both smart and upper-middle-class in a time when political forces have decided to utterly annihilate the social safety net and the job and environmental health prospects of future generations

Try lowering interest rates. If that doesn’t work, hide

Contain the depression within electrified fences. Remove the depression’s ability to breed by blending its DNA with that of a frog. WAIT HOLY SHIT THE DEPRESSION IS LOOSE AGGHHHH AND IT CAN OPEN DOORS

Follow the witches’ advice! Kill the king and replace him on the throne! You’ll have nothing to worry about — no man of woman born can harm you!

Take the garbage littering your floor and build a ziggurat out of it. Enlil will bless your homework.

Bonus points if you have actually heard the word “ziggurat” outside of the context of Warcraft

Wander the cold, windy, dark autumnal night for a few hours. Let the dead lives pile around your feet, and think distant thoughts about the inevitability of death and dissolution. We are but a drop in the cosmic ocean, swallowed up and gone in an instant, leaving scarcely a ripple to mark our passage. We look out over the still dark water and see no sign that anyone, anything, has ever been. All that work will seem much brighter and more welcoming when you get back!

Remember: it is better to extinguish one candle than curse the fire alarm

It’s one of God’s tests, just like Abraham sacrificing Isaac

Feeling overwhelmed? Don’t worry, so is everyone around you! You’re all in this together, and together you can make it, like shipwrecked sailors working together to survive in the open sea.

The sharks are gathering. Lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes.

The ocean turns red. Somewhere nearby, the screaming begins.

People have not-depressed quarters?

Push buggy. Pretend the buggy is your grading curve. 

Write a python program to debug your emotions. 

Think about the mentalist guy you saw freshman year and try to figure out how he did all those tricks

Ponder Andrew Carnegie. Ponder his Scottish accent, his glorious soft beard, the way his lips moved when he spoke of his heart…

Try to peel the rainbows off hunt. 

Watch planes get disoriented from the LED beams shooting into the sky. 

Eat an entire box of donuts of the third floor of Club Hunt. Feel the silent jealousy surrounding you. 

Pretend your next assignment is part of a complex RPG game. 

Ask for a standing ovation in the middle of lecture. I dare you. 

Swallow a piece of bubble gum. Begin counting down the next seven years backwards day by day, starting at 2557. 

Calculate whether or not 7 years is really equivalent to 2557. Feel smug about however you derive your answer.

Upgrade your double shot in the dark to a triple shot mocha. 

Build a scale model reproduction of the school

Memorize the first 100 prime digits of pi

Spray paint a bunch of animals. I mean stuffed animals, obviously. 

Paint the fence with invisible paint.

Ascend to a higher plane of existence