Readme Reviews: Samsung Galaxy S8

by Mark Saporta, readme Tech Review Editor

Samsung’s newest cell phone in its long-running Galaxy line is slated for release in under a month, and we at readme’s Tech Review Division have gotten our hands on a leaked prototype. We are excited to bring you this early review of what is already shaping up to be a revolutionary product in the world of telecommunications:

The Galaxy S8 is, first and foremost, a phone. You can make calls using it, and you can text your friends using the phone’s built-in SMS application. The Galaxy S8 also supports many other applications, which run the gamut from social media to exercise to games. Many applications come pre-installed on the phone, but there are thousands of others that can be installed to it from the internet. This heavy focus on applications may seem overwhelming at first, but it quickly sets the utility and flexibility of the S8 apart from the competition.

Perhaps the most interesting and novel feature of the Galaxy S8 is its large touch screen, which takes up nearly the entire front of the phone. Virtually all the functions of the phone are accessed by using this touch screen, with the exception of a “home button” that allows the user to return to the main screen. Using the touch screen is incredibly intuitive, and obviates the need for the clumsy keyboard-based navigation that so many phones currently rely on.

Another major upgrade present in the Galaxy S8 is the ability to access the internet on the go. With the purchase of a monthly data plan, Galaxy S8 users will no longer be tied down to WiFi hotspots; they will be able to surf the Web, check their Myspace pages and watch the hottest new online videos wherever they have a cell signal.

With all this advanced technology packed in, you may expect the portability of the Galaxy S8 to suffer somewhat. Amazingly enough, this couldn’t be further from the truth: the S8 will be among the thinnest and lightest phones on the market. It easily and comfortably fits both in the hand and in the pocket, and its sleek, minimalistic design is very appealing. The one downside it faces is a battery life substantially lower than Razr or BlackBerry users may be familiar with, but this is more than outweighed by its increased functionality.

Overall, we at readme’s Tech Review Division believe the Samsung Galaxy S8 represents a massive step forward in cell phone technology. With its touch screen, internet capabilities, and thin, lightweight design, it is leaps and bounds above both previous versions of the Galaxy and virtually all the competition. At $399, the Galaxy S8 is certainly not cheap, but the cost is more than worth paying to join what is shaping up to be the future of portable communication.

readme Review: Highly recommended

Plans for 2010s-Themed Restaurant Unveiled

by Mark Saporta, Zeitgeist Correspondent

2

According to one of our many hip, trendy sources, plans for a new restaurant chain themed after the 2010s are in the works. The restaurants, working name #OnFleek, will reportedly be opening in the hottest, most newly-gentrified areas of several major cities in just over three years. While much of the menu, decor, and atmosphere is still in the planning stages, readme can confirm several things that every #OnFleek will share:

  • All beverages and much of the food will be served out of Mason jars.
  • All menu items will contain at least one of the following: quinoa, sriracha, guacamole, or something sustainably raised at a local co-op.
  • Food will come with Instagram filters pre-attached.
  • Each table will have seventeen outlets. Likewise, iPhone and Android chargers will be provided at every seat.
  • A speaker at each table will periodically announce how great all your friends’ lives are, whether you want it to or not.
  • Instead of “smoking” and “non-smoking” sections, there will be “liberal” and “conservative” sections. The two will be separated by a thick, soundproof wall.
  • The menu board will be connected to the internet for no adequately explained reason. It will be hacked or taken down by a DDoS attack at least once a week.
  • If you purchase a menu item costing $50 or above, you are not required to pay tax on your meal.
  • Waiters will be required to have at least two of: a man-bun, a substantial beard, a flannel shirt, an unjustified sense of smug superiority.
  • Waitresses will be required to have at least two of: technicolor hair, at least 20% of total hair area buzzed, a knit beanie, an unjustified sense of self-righteousness.
  • Every TV in the restaurant will be playing news stories about Donald Goddamn Trump 24 hours a day.
  • All patrons will be filled with constant ennui, stemming from the fact that human experience is now so far removed from what evolution could possibly prepared us for that we are all essentially the mammalian equivalent of fish on the planet Mercury.
  • A basket of bread will be served with every meal.

While #OnFleek may not necessarily suit everyone’s palate, we here at readme are excited to dive headfirst into the remorseless, dystopian present that all of us must now contend with. See you there!

#yum #blessed #munchies #lol420 #blazeit #amirite #blueandblack #obvi #oppagangnamstyle #op #op #op #teamvalor #ritoplz #meirl #myanacondadont #mfw #rarestpepe #icebucketchallenge #waifu #letitgo #watchmewhip #watchmenaenae #justinternetthings #yolo #ohgodimsolonely #help

New Tech, Old Styles

Apple released a new iPhone, the SE — size of the 5s, specs of the 6s. What other new products could use old form-factors with updated specs?

  • LCD monitors inside CRT bodies
  • Combustion engines inside fake horses that pull a buggy
  • Casing of a big old hard disk from when computers were the size of rooms, with just enough hardware interface to get to the 512 GB USB memory stick on the inside
  • iPhone 22 specs in an iPhone 6s shell, right now in 2016
  • iPhone specs in an old car phone
  • Printers that actually work in today’s printer bodies
  • A laser disk with a Blu-ray spread across it
  • Real musicians hiding inside the iPod
  • An older person’s body with a new person’s brain (basically, a 70-year-old with the mind of a 7-month year old)
  • Skeumorphic icons
  • Flesh of an apple in a banana
  • PS4 internals with PS1 shells
  • Actually, that would be a cool, classic throwback

Microsoft Misplaces Windows 9 Dev Team

Microsoft has announced their new operating system, which should be available sometime next year. After the ups of Windows 7 and downs of Windows 8 and 8.1, Microsoft is surely aiming for another high point in Windows 9–wait, Windows 10?

That’s right, Microsoft is skipping over the number 9 in favor of 10. While it may seem confusing at first, readme can assure you that it makes perfect sense. Windows must have lost track of their development team.

We got in touch with a high-up in Microsoft, Dolla Doors, who agreed to speak with readme, after she was coerced into a broom closet. “Well, to be honest, I didn’t even notice that we had gone straight to 10. It just started showing up on the agenda, and no one really keeps track of these things anyways. What comes after eight? Nine, ten, 42, 7, does it really matter?” When pressed further about what really happened to Windows 9, she responded: “Who knows, maybe 7 ate 9.”

How could Microsoft lose an entire team of developers, working on such an important new piece of software? “Well, the last I saw of them was around cubicle 73B a few months ago. However, some of the over-40s were pretty entrenched in the XP section. Anyways, they must have wandered off and gotten lost. This place is a fucking maze.” We asked what would become of them, Doors shrugged. “Either they’ll come stumbling into the break room one day, or a janitor will uncover their remains.”

When we asked Microsoft’s HR department about this, they pointed to a clause in their employees’ “Terms and Conditions” handbook that covered this situation. Apparently Joe Schmoe and the rest of his development team didn’t read it fully before checking the box and choosing continue.

Doors admitted that in the new Windows 10, the “9” key will be non-functional, Excel will not include row 9, and the font sizes will also skip the number. However, these so-called features will be removed shortly in a Service Pack 9. “This update will be just like the Windows updates you all know and love,” Doors assured readme. We assumed that meant it will incessantly let you know it’s available until you finally click the damn pop-up, which would cause it to take over your computer for the next 4 hours.
The jump from 8 to 10 is also supposed to encourage development of programs and apps. “We’re following the philosophy of, ‘If you build it, they won’t come,’ which has worked for the past few iterations of Windows. That’s why we’re now offering huge incentives for third-party developers.” In addition, skipping Windows 9 avoids naming one of the most widespread operating systems after an unlucky number, according to Japanese superstitions. “We skipped Windows 4 for the same reason. And after all the great luck we’ve been having with Windows 8, we don’t want to jinx it.”

iPhone Fails to Cure Cancer, Apple Users Riot

Despite the hype surrounding the release of Apple’s iPhone 6, consumer trust in the company was irrevocably shattered when customer complaints indicated that the frames of iPhone 6s bent when placed in a user’s pocket. Literally ones of customers reported their phones exhibiting this flaw, sparking a scandal that became known by some as ‘Bendgate’ (or, by those with actual creativity, ‘Bendghazi’).

The Bendghazi scandal swept through the Internet within days of breaking. Videos went viral of iPhone users demonstrating the iPhone’s supposed design flaw by attempting to break the machines they just spent $200 dollars on. It was sort of like the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, except instead of raising money for research into curing a debilitating illness, all it did was remind us how little original content there is on YouTube these days.

But is there really any truth to these accusations? According to one consumer, yes, the new iPhone 6 bends surprisingly easy under numerous everyday conditions, like being dropped from a helicopter rappel, used to block bullet fire, and sealed into an underground cavern where the walls slowly move in to crush you. readme asked the consumer what the fuck kind of life she led that this was an everyday thing, but was forced to flee before they got an answer when a horde of angry ninja attacked the consumer.

Thankfully, one Apple customer was more than happy to demonstrate the iPhone 6’s bendability to readme. The first attempt to bend the phone had no visible effect, though the man assured readme that he could do it, definitely, he just needed to get a better grip first. His next five attempts were similarly unsuccessful, which he said was really weird, because he never had that much trouble with it before. Like, any time his girlfriend needs him to bend an iPhone, she goes straight to him, and this one’s probably just stuck anyways. “Maybe if I run it under some hot water,” he mused.

But this Bendghazi scandal is not the only technical issue which plagues the iPhone 6. One Apple user reports to her frustration that the iPhone 6 runs out of battery when not plugged in. Another complains that the iPhone is unable to receive text messages from the future, and a third insists that his iPhone is the reason he has yet to win 2048.

And, of course, there are the allegations that the iPhone 6 has yet to create world peace, solve racism, or cure cancer. Because, really, what’s even the point if the iPhone 6 is just another cellphone? We’re not paying for a phone here, we’re paying for an ideal. Who cares if it’s bigger, or thinner, or comes in a gold frame? Wait holy shit, it comes in a gold frame? readme takes it all back, guys. The iPhone is perfect, Apple is God again.

Interview with a Martian

Back in June, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that it was unconstitutional for the police to search one’s cell phone without a warrant, on the ground that today’s cell phones contain so much personal information that to allow police unrestricted access would be a gross violation of privacy. In the majority opinion, Chief Justice Roberts went so far as to remark that “[cell phones] are now such a pervasive and insistent part of daily life that the proverbial visitor from Mars might conclude they were an important feature of human anatomy.”

 

Well, readme has never been one to shy away from one-upping Supreme Court Justices, so we’ve done him one better and contacted a real life Martian to see if he agrees with Roberts’ assertion.

 

“WHAT IS THIS PRIMITIVE ‘TWITTER’ YOU EARTHLINGS UTILIZE,” said Gorblax [??] after we sent him a tweet asking for an interview. “OUR MARTIAN HASHTAGS OPERATE IN THREE DIMENSIONS SIMULTANEOUSLY! #MARTIANS_RULE #EARTHLINGS_DROOL #LOL”

 

Despite Gorblax’s general scorn for our inferior bird-based social media platforms, he consented to talk with us about our recent Supreme Court rulings. “AH, YES,” said Gorblax. “THE SCALIA EARTHLING IS MOST ENTERTAINING. [???]

 

Gorblax reported that he was pleased with the decision to protect cell phones from searches without warrant, and also with the recent Hobby Lobby ruling that corporations were allowed to withhold contraceptives on religious grounds. What confused readme was that, for some reason, Gorblax seemed to have the impression the two rulings were somehow related.

 

When asked to elaborate, he explained, “IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU EARTHLINGS HAVE FINALLY RECOGNIZED THE INFERIORITY OF YOUR HUMAN UTERUSES TO THEIR TECHNOLOGICAL COUNTERPARTS. WE ON MARS TRANSCENDED OUR PUNY MEATBODIES LONG AGO AND NOW EXIST IN A STATE OF DIGITAL PERFECTION #MARTIANS_RULE_AGAIN #EMBRACE_THE_SINGULARITY #ALL_GLORY_TO_THE_HYPNOTOAD”

 

On the other hand, Gorblax was horrified by the ruling that the EPA could continue regulating greenhouse gas emissions from stationary sources. “WHAT,” he tweeted. “NO YOU CAN’T DO THAT. WITHOUT ENOUGH GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS, WE WON’T BE ABLE TO FOCUS THE SUN’S RAYS ON YOUR POLAR ICE CAPS IN PREPARATION FOR THE INVAS—I MEAN, THE UH, PARTY. THE MARTIAN PARTY WE WILL THROW FOR YOU WHEN YOU EARTHLINGS GET ENOUGH GREENHOUSE GASES. THAT ONE. GLOBAL WARMING IS A MYTH ANYWAYS, I WOULDN’T WORRY TOO MUCH. #TEACH_THE_CONTROVERSY #NO_INVASION_HERE #IN_FACT_FORGET_I_SAID_ANYTHING”

Pope Francis Threatens to Drag Church into 21st Century

Image

Being a decent person and selfies are among the new Pope’s 21st century exploits.

In a move that rattled his staunchest followers, Pope Francis responded to criticism by threatening to modernize the church, stating, “I’ll do it, don’t push me or by God I’ll drag the whole church into the 21st century.” Conservatives worldwide have condemned this brinkmanship, claiming that Francis is just whining to get what he wants, and that his position of the Pope, spiritual leader to over one billion Catholics and imbued with papal infallibility, gives him an unfair advantage.

In a my-way-or-the-highway move, Pope Francis is attempting to silence critics with his holy forces. One such critic is Home Depot founder Ken Langone. Langone, a wealthy Catholic donor, claims that an “anonymous” seven-figure donation to a Catholic hospital has been put on hold indefinitely because of the Pope’s comments promoting the importance of the rich’s responsibility to the poor. Like small children, Langone argued, the rich tend to do the exact opposite as what they’re told. Hope remains for rich outside the United States, however, because “rich people in one country don’t act the same as rich people in another country,” according to Langone.

The Pope’s threat to modernize may also be partially in response to the new Spanish Cardinal, Fernando Sebastion, who claimed homosexuality is a defect, like his high blood pressure, and that it can be “cured” with the right treatment. Can you pray the high blood pressure away, too? That might help invigorate church membership among the adult population.

When  he heard of the issue Pope Francis responded with surprise. “Don’t these people realize that I am the direct line to God? Why are they questioning my authority? I said be nice to the gays and the poor, is it really that hard? I still have contraceptives and women’s rights if I really want to freak people out.”