CMU Declares War on USC

by Ben Kaplan

2016-09-23-3

Last week, whilst huddled in the Carnegie Mellon Situation Room in the bottom of Warner Hall, President Suresh broke news that the administration desperately did not want to hear: the new rankings were in and CMU went down by one.

Previously, CMU was locked in a four-way tie for 23rd. Now, however, CMU is still locked in three-way tie, but USC has broken past and claimed the 23rd spot.

“Carnegie Mellon will continue to pursue innovative research and rigorous academics that push the bounds of knowledge, regardless of our ranking. That being said, the so-called ‘University of Spoiled Children’ must be eviscerated.” declared Suresh.

President Suresh did not elaborate how this would be accomplished, but rumor has it that each school has been tasked with proposing their own methodology. Already, the School of Computer Science has penetrated USC systems and is waiting for the go ahead to (digitally) erase them from the face of the Earth. Meanwhile, CIT and Mellon are working on their plans to destroy USC with an engineered earthquake and engineered virus respectively. Tepper plans to launch a targeted viral negative ad campaign against “the University of Spoiled Children,” and CFA has devised an art exhibit “rejecting the Southern California lifestyle for its lack of motivational constructs and embrace of ‘total chillness’ for being ill-defined and cliché since the 90s.” Dietrich plans on flooding the USC campus with “lots and lots of glue.” When asked how they would acquire, transport, and position such large quantities of glue, our source claimed, “The engineers in CIT will figure it out.”

Plans involving the partial or wholesale destruction of the surrounding Los Angeles metropolitan area are not only permitted, but encouraged, since UCLA (currently also locked in the three-way tie with CMU) would be part of the collateral, and as President Suresh gleefully pointed out, eviscerating both would “kill two birds with one stone.”

Captain CMU to Join Avengers after Marvell Settlement

Captain_CMU

Kwanpo Cheng, Super Correspondent

After a seven-year legal battle, Carnegie Mellon and Marvell Technology have finally reached a deal for a massive $750 million payment. Additionally, a new original hero would be added to Marvell’s Avengers lineup and will be featured in the upcoming Avengers titles, Infinity War before starring in a solo film.

CMU President Dr. Subra Suresh broke news on the patent infringement suit between CMU and Marvell in a mass email to alumni. As a life-long fan of comics, Suresh is excited for movie-debut of Captain CMU.

“I have been working on the design of Captain CMU for as long as I can remember,” Suresh wrote. “This is a revolutionary step toward expanding the accessibility of our computer science program through a relatable superhero with powers that can educate children and adults alike.”

A quick sketch is attached to the email, depicting the initial designs for Captain CMU wearing a tartan cape and living with a pet terrier on campus. Despite extremely high programming course-loads, Captain CMU still finds the time to balance homework, friends, and saving the world. Various professors from the university offer advice on controlling the computer-science-related superpowers.

Students initially expressed concern for how Marvel became involved in the lawsuit, but became enthusiastic upon seeing the concept designs. Junior Justin Sudha says, “I loved seeing Captain CMU battling the Wean transformer on the Fence, then rushing off to class—in Wean! It does not get any more CMU than that.”

According to a university press release, the legal team fought for years to include Captain CMU in the lineup despite opposition from Marvell stating, “We are not Marvel Studios, please do not confuse us with something completely different.”

Marvell Technology is a global producer of storage, communications, and consumer semiconductor products. After the settlement, CEO Sehat Sutardja expressed shock and confusion to the decision, saying, “I honestly don’t understand how this happened.”

Upon hearing the news, Daisy Ridley and Matt Damon have both expressed interest in the role. Critics believe their experience in action films will come in handy. The two-part Infinity War movies are set to be released in May 2018, with the solo film released by 2020.

Tuition Not the Only Thing Increasing

Thatcher Montgomery, Incremental Growth Correspondent

Last week, university president Subra Suresh announced that in addition to the yearly tuition increase, Carnegie Mellon University was hoping to increase everything else, as well.

“We always raise tuition, every year. And what more do students get for their money? Until now, nothing. But we want to change that.”

Suresh’s Strategic Undertaking for Positive Energy and Relations with Smart, Interdisciplinary Zebras and Echidnas, or SUPERSIZE, has a goal of increasing the CMU experience by the same amount as the increase in tuition.

This means that next year, students should expect to see 3.28% longer class times, 3.28% more options at dining locations, 3.28% more square footage in the buildings, 3.28% higher ceilings, and 3.28% more students per class to use up the extra space.

Reactions have been mixed, although generally positive. “I guess I should be getting my money’s worth,” one student said cautiously when shown the initiative. “I’m not sure how having slightly higher ceilings and larger desks will help accomplish that, but it seems like a step in the right direction, I guess.”

However, some members of the campus community are intently opposed to SUPERSIZEing everything. Mechanical engineering senior Khutin DeDrag agonized, “Does having a 3.28% increase in buggy size and a 3.28% increase in the length of the Buggy course mean times will get worse by 3.28%? Will buggies now be required to have a minimum of 3.0984 wheels!?”

Some math professors have banded together to prove that exponentially increasing the size of everything would eventually lead to impossible growth, and increasing class times would end up forcing students to take multiple classes concurrently just to keep up.

A 5th year CS major who was unlucky enough to have 8:30 am courses for the past nine semesters wonders if this means classes start 3.28% earlier.

Reasons CMU Might Cancel Classes

• Too much snow. ‘Too much’ here is defined as ‘snowiest winter on record’, aka February 2010.

• Apocalypse

• Game of Thrones gets canceled

• Russia invades Margaret Morrison

• The people on Walking to the Sky start moving

• Freshmen can’t navigate Doherty, professors give up.

• Carnegie Mellon revealed to be enormous mass delusion

• Carnegie Mellon revealed to be purgatory

• Because fuck you, that’s why

• President Suresh becomes a communist, transforms CMU into a classless society

• Singularity reached, CMU’s purpose achieved

• Wean Hall finally transforms

• Batman sequel filmed on campus

• Philosophers finally prove that we can never truly know ourselves or anything around us and thus school is meaningless

• CMU students too cool for school

• readme finishes a list, causing Suresh to lose a bet against the popular satire paper. He is forced to declare a snow day.