Third-World Catastrophes Ruin Spring Break

Thatcher Montgomery, Privilege Expert

To find out where college students were heading for spring break, readme hit the ground to get the word on the streets. What it found, however, was disheartening. There just weren’t any more good locations for vacations!

“I was thinking of going somewhere south, like maybe Mexico, or Cancún. Those are two different places, right?” readme eyed the student, wondering if there were any geography requirements in whatever college they were in.

“Anyway, I heard that there’s some weird virus going on down there, and that you can catch it from mosquito bites. That made me hesitant, but then I heard that it’s sexually transmitted, too! You can take precautions to avoid getting bitten by mosquitos, but when you’re blackout drunk on an off-shore stop during your cruise, sometimes sexually transmitted diseases just happen.”

readme pointed out that there were precautions to be taken against STDs, too, but the student had already moved on. The Zika virus was a large cause of concern for would-be spring break travelers, even though not everyone knew what it was called. Or what its effects were. Or anything about it at all, really.

“The zebra virus totally cancelled my plans to travel down to some third world country and party for a week! I don’t want any lasting consequences from my bacchanalian escapades. Especially if it means my head shrinks.”

As for other vacation locales, some students had been hoping to hit the beaches in Fiji, but Cyclone Winston hit them first. “I would still go to like, help give the economy a bump with my tourism and all, but I don’t really want to have to deal with sobbing natives and blown-over beach chairs.”

Australia was their second choice, but after hearing that the land down under didn’t even want a cute little baby, they decided their chances of getting in were slim.

One student was thinking of heading to India to visit a friend, but protests and water shortages put an end to that. Protests about what? Why water shortages? The student didn’t know, just that they would rather protest the fun shortage during spring break.

Finally, readme found some people who had settled on spring break plans. “We’re going to Syria, because it’s so cheap. It sounds like everyone’s moving out and they’re doing some remodeling, but we don’t mind a little dust. You wouldn’t believe how much they want us to come join them, the brochures they put out make it look great!”

Spring Break to be Spent Exploring Pittsburgh, or So Student Thinks

Thatcher Montgomery, Wasted Time Correspondent

Sophomore human-human interaction major Margie Webster doesn’t have big plans for spring break, but that isn’t holding her back. With a week off from classes, she’s looking forward to finally getting off campus and seeing what Pittsburgh has to offer.

“I spent spring break last year at a friend’s beach house in Florida, and that was a lot of fun. This year, though, I’m going to save some money and just stay here in Pittsburgh. I’m sure there will be something to do.”

Despite her unwavering optimism, Webster will spend each day of spring break sleeping in, eating cereal while watching Netflix, realizing it’s already 3pm and by the time she got anywhere it would already be closed, and then staying up late with more cereal and Netflix to repeat the process again.

Webster has ventured away from the campus bubble campus a handful of times, usually taking a bus directly to and from her destination. This spring break, though, she’s planning on doing some exploration, maybe walking around a little.

“I definitely want to go to the North Side, and see the Andy Warhol Museum, the Mattress Factory, the Children’s Museum, and the National Aviary. Oh, and the Science Center. Maybe I’ll take two days for up there, there’s just so much stuff!”

Unfortunately, Webster will never make it past Entropy for restocking her cereal supply.

“I haven’t even been to the Carnegie Museum of Art or the Natural History Museum, and they’re just down the road! Silly me. I’m going to make sure to hit those up, and then maybe wander around the Nationality Rooms in the Cathedral of Learning.”

When classes stop and spring break starts, Webster will feel a great weight lifted, and at the same time she’ll feel the cumulative effects of stress and less-than-ideal sleep she’s been getting the past two months. Instinct will kick in and demand that she sleep 12 hours a day to make up for it, and prepare herself for the months to come.

“Some of the restaurants downtown seem nice, too. If I can find someone to go with, that is.”

As of press time, Webster was daydreaming about walking up and down Walnut Street in Shadyside, but in reality she’ll just be working on that semester-long project she hasn’t started yet.


Student Plans to Break Every Spring in Sight


Spencer Early, Elastic Metal Expert

Still confused about this upcoming “spring break”, freshman Charlie Thumpwig decided to do as he was told rather than ask the question, “What is spring break all about?” He figured there must be at least a few dozen springs in each of the approximately 230 robots on campus. Would 9 days really be enough time to break all of those springs? Thumpwig pondered.

Planning to carefully disassemble each robot, remove and break every spring, and then reassemble each machine, Thumpwig pored through the floorplans of every campus building, drawing a detailed map. Undercover readme reporters were able to get an up-close, exclusive view of Thumpwig’s plans, until they happened to sneeze and Thumpwig ordered them to “get out of my dorm room!”

It looked as though his route would spend the most time in Gates and Newell-Simon, breaking the springs in robots ranging from Tank, the roboceptionst, to Baxter, the multi-purpose factory robot. If Cobot happened by, Thumpwig would break its springs as well. A slight detour would be made to the University Center, where the Robotics Club is. Also, because Thumpwig is a real go-getter and always goes above and beyond the minimum expectations, he was hoping to have time to desolder every connection of RoboBuggy while he was down there.

Thumpwig also realized that it wasn’t just robots that had springs to break: any trampolines on campus were fair game, as well as staplers, faculty kids’ pogo sticks, chip clips, and all clicky ballpoint pens. He wasn’t sure if the dorm mattresses had springs or were just thick padding, but by golly he was going to rip one open to find out. No spring would be safe from Charlie Thumpwig. Not during spring break.