New Anime Sparks Controversy with Blatant Sexism

by Ben Kaplan, Western Moral Guardian


A new anime entitled “Another New Insulting Manga Episodic,” or ANIME, as its fans call it, has been publicly criticized for its overt sexism and excessive use of fanservice. Many fans of the genre assert that real anime needs not resort to such cheap tactics, while ANIME supporters argue that it’s an artistic choice like any other.

The supposed flaws in ANIME largely center around its hypersexualization of women and pandering to the male gaze. First of all, there’s this obsession with accidentally molesting women. In the opening episode, a happy-go-lucky lad goes about his business when all of a sudden an unexpected happenstance causes him to trip into a female character with massive [SPOILERS]. And in another episode, the same exact thing happens. And in another. And another. And another—except in this last case he was wearing magnetized gloves that caused him to fly towards the female character’s [SPOILERS], since the female was wearing advanced mechanized battle armor (customized for her unique [SPOILERS]) that was magnetized by the villain’s electric chi attack. Crazy coincidence, huh?

And then there’s the [SPOILERS] shots. Let’s not even get into the [SPOILERS] shots.

…And the constant sexualization of preteens.

…Aaaaand the, just, wow the jiggling. [SPOILERS] H. Christ, that is some jiggling what’s going on.

While some may argue that tropes present in some pretty much every anime do not necessarily characterize Japan itself, a nation whose traditional cultural values remain strong to this day, that shit would not fly in America! We are a land of moral people! We don’t stand for this sicko bull-crap! No, all we need here in the ol’ U-S-of-A is some good old-fashioned violence! Amen!


Male Teachers Protest Unfair Treatment

“Teachers deserve equal treatment,” Erin shouted to the crowd, “and equal representation is the first step toward equal treatment. I am sick and tired of the precarious gender gap that haunts every elementary and middle school in this country. It’s time to stand up, it’s time for change.”

Erin Carmichaels, a 26-year old middle school teacher from Memphis, TN, is one of many self-proclaimed masculists who is fighting to change the female-dominated public school system. He is president of the Defeating Organizational Non-equality Group (or DONG), an anti-discrimination organzation with over 10,000 members nationwide.

The DONG’s concerns are well-justified. In a nationwide AP poll, only 3 out of 10 adults reported having “a dude teaching me shit in middle school.” Furthermore, barely 1 in 10 adults stated that they “had a bro teacher in elementary school.” These studies remind Erin and his followers, known as DONGs, that they face a long and difficult battle. “We understand that we are uprooting traditional school hierarchies and that some schools will be very resistant toward that change. But society has changed a lot in the past century. More men are studying education and psychology than ever before. Men are no longer dissuaded from careers in these fields for fear of being perceived as ‘pussies’ or ‘bitches’ or ‘fucks without real jobs.’ I think it’s empowering.”

In recent months, other prominent masculists have spoken out against gender discrimination in public schools. Ben Friedan, author of bestseller The Male Mystique, proclaimed that “men are just as good as women at teaching and deserve the right to prove that in the workplace.” Author Nathan Wolf decried the public school system as “a gossipy, needy disgrace that can’t make even the simplest of decisions, such as which restaurant to go to on teacher’s night.”

Sadly, the large gender gap in elementary and middle schools can prove a harrowing environment for inexperienced male teachers. Male school teachers frequently file harassment cases against their female co-workers, many of whom claim to be “attracted to guys who’re good with kids.” Elie Wurtzel, a teacher from Pittsburgh, PA, recalls his first experience with harassment. “She would stare at me through the window on the classroom door while I was teaching 7th Grade Civics. One time, she cornered me in the teachers’ lounge and said she ‘couldn’t resist sensitive guys like me.’ It was really uncomfortable.”

The DONGs are strongly committed to reducing such harassment. “Female teachers see men as a threat to their power,” Carmichaels told readme. “Unfortunately, the solution is often to sexually abuse men and treat men like sexual objects to ensure they ‘know their place’ in the school pecking order.” Carmichaels acknowledges that he himself has been the victim of harassment at his school, whose teachers are 85% female. “It’s frustrating,” he stated, “these women are like 5’s, maybe 6’s, at best. They need to understand that I’m not interested in hitting that.” Another DONG who spoke to readme described his female co-workers as “a bunch of chubsters” who he “wouldn’t bang unless [he] was really fucked up.” Our conversation with male teachers also revealed that “good ass” is difficult to find at most schools. “It’s like they’re trying to be super ugly,” said Wurtzel. “I hope that we can change that.”

Game of Thrones Totally doesn’t Abuse Use of Nudity

 “Game of Thrones” is the hit HBO show based on the popular book series by George RR Martin. Recently, the show came back for a fourth season. The show, itself, is known for its copious amounts of (mostly female nudity).  So much so that many a student here at CMU has gotten completely and utterly smashed by taking a shot every time a butt or boob appears on screen while watching the show. 


Fair warning, readers, the rest of this article will have spoilers for the show.


A few weeks ago on the show the king of the fictional land of “King’s Landing” died. His name was Joffrey and he was an utter turd. He was poisoned at his wedding by someone–who we won’t spoil for you. He was the son of twins (yes. twins) Jamie and Cersei Lannister, who passed him off of the son of the (other) late king Robert Baratheon.  (On a side note, the show does require you to be at least somewhat intelligent to follow, though maybe not as much as some fans might have you believe. But you do need to have some brainpower to remember all of the overly-complex family trees. Yay, incest!)


After Joffrey’s death his mother, Cersei, was rather upset, though that might surprise some readers due to Joffrey’s turdish-ness. Standing next to her brother approached and…to put it bluntly…raped her. 


There are several things that made the scene rather unexplainable. First off it didn’t happen like that in the book. Yes, yes, we know that adaptations do not always follow to the word the happenings of the books (and this also explains why in the books Joffrey is a long snaky turd as opposed to the bowel-rupturing one in the show). But come on! This isn’t the first time the show has turned a not-rape scene in the book into a full-rape scene in the show (see Khal Drogo). And the scene wouldn’t be nearly as objectionable if it weren’t treated as though nothing had happened in the very next episode, of which Jaime is the arguable hero. Awkward. Also, you know, the whole thing of Jaime’s entire character-arc being based around learning to love and respect and want to protect women.


But maybe readme is being too harsh on the show. When asked whether the scene was consensual,  the actor who plays Jaime, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, 

“Yes, and no. There are moments where she gives in, and moments where she pushes him away. But it’s not pretty.” And by moments readme assumes he means the many times that Cersei repeats “no” and “not here”. 


The director, Alex Graves, was similarly unconvinced about the rapey-ness of the scene. “Well, it becomes consensual by the end, because anything for them ultimately results in a turn-on, especially a power struggle.”


Yes. Yes that makes perfect sense. readme withdraws its complaint in favor of patting the director on the back. How observant he is to note that their relationship is complex and to show this by taking away Cersei’s agency. 

Hillary Clinton’s Grandchild an Unfair Advantage

A media storm erupted last week when Hillary Clinton announced her run for the 2016 presidency by having her daughter conceive a child. After all, it’s not like a thirty-four-year-old woman could possibly make the decision to become pregnant for her own sake. As anyone who’s ever had kids can tell you, the only reason your kids will ever have children of their own is so that you can live vicariously through your grandkids. The press hailed the announcement as a brilliant political maneuver: by cleverly deciding to have her daughter decide to have a baby, Clinton makes herself seem that much more sensitive, warm, and maternal, all qualities we Americans require of our female politicians under pain of social humiliation. Pundits, of course, were quick to point out the double standard at play here.

“[It’s] blatantly sexist on its face,” says one Fox News opinion writer. “I don’t recall anyone lauding the fact that Mitt Romney was a grandfather.” Thank you, Fox News, for always checking America on our inherent misandry problem, the only prejudice we Americans still have to overcome in this modern day (we mean, besides us persecuting Christians and being racist to white people, of course). It’s the twenty-first century; misogyny is dead. It’s not like you women really wanted equal pay, right?

For instance, when some pundits wondered if perhaps the impending Clintonchild might make Clinton a worse politician due to her ovaries releasing grandma-hormones that would override all her knowledge of debate protocol and fiscal policy with how to knit embarrassing sweaters and where to buy the most disgusting brands of sugar-free candy, that wasn’t misogyny, just biology. “All I’m saying is that there are certain differences between men and women, differences which are expressed in the exact same way in every man or woman (because those are the only two genders it is possible to be) and which are completely determined at birth by a series of factors that have no cultural component and thus whose validity we should never question,” wrote one blogger on the subject. “How is that sexist?”

Indeed it is not, good blogger. Even if it were, clearly Clinton is the one benefitting from this sexism. After all, as we’ve established, no one ever praised Mitt Romney for being a grandfather. In fact, no one even commented on it at all. It’s almost as though Americans don’t see a male politician’s grand-spawn as having any sort of effect on how good a president they would be. But, no, it’s probably that misandry thing we just said.

Local Man Explains Mansplaining


readme recently spoke to local man Harry O’Toole who decided it was his manifest destiny to put some things straight (or gay, as the case may be) concerned readme’s perceptions of life, the universe and everything.

O’Toole and readme were deep in a conversation about gender and sexuality (which O’Toole assured readme were actually the same thing) when O’Toole cleared things up for readme.

“You can’t be genderqueer! You have the genitalia of a newspaper, not a magazine!” he laughed, patting readme on the advertisements.

readme defended that its gender had always been not-so-much part of its identity. It even affected its textuality. readme vividly recalled to O’Toole the day when some Tartan messengers had (accidentally) placed a copy of the Tartan on top of readme in the rack. “smelling her, pressed up to her page to page” readme sighed, “was a revelation. I’m bitextual.”

“Not bitextual, just closeted.” corrected O’Toole, “Bitextuality doesn’t exist.”

“But what about that book-up with The Cut last year?” asked readme, confused.

“That was at a publishing party” O’Toole consoled, “it doesn’t count.”

readme rubbed its tagline, mentally exhausted. O’Toole continued. “Textuality is black and white. Just like your pages!”

“But I also have all this grey area! See?” said readme, pulling itself open to page two where there was a grayscale picture of a very furry bear.

“Oh God!” cried O’Toole. “I didn’t need to see that!”

readme closed its pages, ashamed. “I know my printing is low quality.” it mumbled.

“Oh, sweetie-paper, we can’t all be printed on photo paper.” O’Toole comforted, putting an arm around readme’s advertisements.

readme rolled itself into a tube. “Wait. Are you sure about all of this? I think I’ve heard of what you’re doing from Jezebel last time she game around to make fun of Lena Dunham with me. It’s called…uh…mansplaining?”

“Oh, readme, small new outlet…mansplaining has to be baseless and has to dismiss the possibility of its receiver having any intelligence or agency of its own. Plus it has to be done to a woman and, as we’ve established, you have the genetalia of a newspaper.”

Gay Man Wins Women’s Award for Best at Womanhood

Fletcher Jameson won the Women’s Womanhood Coalition award for Best at Womanhood last week. The sudden win cast the event into a stunned and ecstatic jumble of women. All of them were scrambling for a picture of Jameson kissing his partner.   


While the women were busy imagining Jameson and his partner in bed, readme slipped in for an interview with the honorary woman who has been noted by his female companions to be great for Friday night chick-flick marathons since he always knows when to tell them to stop eating the fucking ice cream, you slutty slob. “He’s not mean. He’s just sassy.”


“What other men, even other gay men, don’t understand” Jameson told readme “is that womanhood is really very simple.” He beamed, holding the trophy which was oddly oval in shape. “Women really don’t even understand themselves.” He said, playfully slapping the ass of the announcer. “Sexual harassment is okay if you’re gay.” He laughed. “Doesn’t mean anything.”


“What women really want” he explained, “is for someone to tell them why no one loves them. I mean, either they’re slutty or they’re fat or they don’t know how to dress. Ain’t no woman who know how to dress better than a gay man” he continued in a voice imitated what seemed to be a particularly constipated black woman. But cultural appropriation is okay when you’re a gay dude.


“This thing kinda looks like a disgusting vag, doesn’t it” Jameson said inspecting his newly earned trophy with a disgruntled look on his face. “Kidding! Kidding!” he said holding the trophy a little farther from his body than strictly necessary. “It’s okay for gay guys to say that, see? Because it doesn’t cause the perpetuation of harmful stereotypes or hatred of the female body like when straight men say it.  


Jameson left arm in arm with his partner, whispering sweetly into his ear, “I’m so glad I’m with you honey. Can you imagine having to date a woman! I don’t know how straight guys do it!”.


Love in the Air: Bras on the Floor

braSo Romantic

There are few holidays more well-known than Valentine’s Day, where we celebrate the saintly deeds of an ancient martyr by having massive amounts of sex on the anniversary of his grisly beheading and death. Much like Christmas, Easter, and the Fourth of July, Valentine’s faces heavy persecution in today’s heathen atheist communist America which is also socialist. Thanks to Japanese inventors, however, this year Valentine’s Day will be safe from its most dangerous threat: women who have sex with people they don’t love. Japanese lingerie brand Ravijour has recently released a bra that unclasps itself only when its wearer experiences, in their words, ‘true love’. This way, women can be sure they won’t end up accidentally having sex with some non-destined-soul-mate, because it’s not like women can trust themselves to know who they do and don’t want to sleep with.

And, of course, there is absolutely no doubt that if the bra opens that means your woman is totally irrevocably in love with you. After all, the algorithm the bra uses to determine whether a woman is really truly in Real True Love is one-hundred-percent foolproof. “When we fall in love we experience an instant boost in excitement, unlike any other we encounter in life,” explains Ravijour’s Human Sexuality Specialist. The smart-bra identifies this totally completely unique excitement by detecting an increase in the wearer’s heart rate, a physiological reaction that arises in the case of true love and nothing else, especially not exercise, amusement parks, competitive sports, coffee, speeches, deadlines, fire alarms, or having some creepy dude paw at you against your express wishes because he thinks you’re in love with him for some reason. And, remember guys, when a girl realizes she’s in love with you, the first thing she wants to do is have sex with you immediately no matter where you are or who is watching, which is why the bra flies open the second it detects the patented ‘True Love Heart Rate’.

The smart-bra’s creator has said that he believes the bra will become ‘a friend to women around the world’, as it will allow them to find true love, which is of course the ultimate goal of all women ever without exception. “Until now,” the inventor said, “the bra was just a piece of clothing to remove,” demonstrating his understanding of the female viewpoint by taking a garment that has been considered by women to be everything from a necessary part of one’s wardrobe to an oppressive tool of a patriarchal society and defining it completely by its role from the perspective of a straight, horny male.

So, straight horny males in our audience, for this Valentine’s Day instead of chocolates or flowers, you can surprise your girlfriend with the Ravijour smart-bra! Patiently explain to her that she needs a piece of clothing to inform her how she feels about people and who she’s allowed to have sex with and watch as the bra registers that magical ‘True Love Rate’.  Or maybe she’s just pissed. It’s hard to say, really.

Women Have Won the War on Women

On a talk show following President Obama’s State of the Union address, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul addressed a growing problem in the country not addressed by the president. That is to say the problems men are increasingly having in competing with the female counterparts.

“This whole sort of war on women thing, I’m scratching my head because if there was a war on women, I think they won. “ He went on to explain that, “the women in my family are incredibly successful. I have a niece at Cornell vet school, and 85% of the young people there are women. Law school, 60% are women. In med school, 55%. My younger sister is an OB-GYN with six kids and doing great. I don’t see so much that women are downtrodden. I see women rising up and doing great things.”

Well, readme would just like to extend a hand to Rand Paul’s niece and his younger sister. Their successes are exactly what women need to shake them out of their self-pitying stupor. So what if most women only make 77 cents to the man’s dollar? So what if the GOP with Paul at the frontlines is campaigning against health plans that include access to birth control pills and against access to safe abortions? We aren’t so downtrodden. In fact we’re practically doing the trodding! 

“ In fact, I worry about our young men sometimes because I think the women are outcompeting the men in our world…” continued Paul. “The women in my family are doing great. That’s what I see in all the statistics coming out. I have, you know, young women in my office that are the leading intellectual lights of our office. So I don’t really see this, that there’s some sort of war on women that’s, you know, keeping women down. I see women doing great and I think we should extol that success and not dumb it down into a political campaign that somehow one party doesn’t like women or that. I think that’s what’s happened. It’s all been for political purposes.”

I mean no one can argue against the facts. Women are going to college. More women than men. 57% of college students are women (at most colleges, not CMU. Good luck, guys), and the pay gap is shrinking  for millennials so that women in our generation make almost 93% of what the men make. With Cornell graduates like Paul’s niece taking over colleges, women have little to complain about.  

And these statistics apply for all true American women. And by true we mean women with college educations, not the one in three women that live in poverty, the two in three minimum wage workers that are women or black and hispanic women that only make 64 cents to the man’s dollar. 

Women like our classmates at CMU don’t have to worry. Women graduating with an MBA make $250,000 a year. We should remember that the supposed “War on Women” hurts men most of all, struggling to support the cost of birth control pills and the increase of minimum wage on their $400,000 salaried MBAs. We should at least be providing free viagra therapy.

Lose Your Faith in Humanity in One Short Article

We all know that if there’s any problem with second-quarter CMU students, it’s that they’re just too darn optimistic. If you’re a student looking for a way to crush that pesky faith in humanity before finals, look no further than this very article, which chronicles the adventures of actual Americans (seriously, though, we didn’t make any of this shit up) who decided that dressing up as a sexy Native American for Halloween this year just wasn’t offensive enough. No, this year we get assholes going as:


• Hitler, because of course people dressed up as Hitler.

• KKK members.

• Suicide bombers.

• Osama bin Laden.

• George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin, complete with bloody hoodie and blackface.

• A political cartoonist’s idea of what President Obama looks like.

• The Boston marathon bomber.

• The Boston marathon victims.

• The homeless.

• The Twin Towers, mid-explosion.

• Bloody flight attendants from the Asiana Airlines crash.


• This last one’s not a costume, but one dude hung up an effigy designed to look like a lynched black man on his lawn as a ‘Halloween decoration’. 


If this year’s crop of costumes teaches us anything, it is that we’ve clearly lost our connection with this sacred holiday. We have to remember, next year, the true meaning of Halloween: finding increasingly skimpy outfits for women to wear.