Schenley Park Awaiting Approval for Recreational Use

by Spencer Early, Green Spaces Correspondent

In a public Citiparks meeting last week, Mayor Bill Peduto made the controversial proposition to allow certain parks for recreational use. Citing difficulties with enforcement and expressing doubt about the deleterious health effects of using parks for fun, Peduto put forth this contentious suggestion. The proposed pilot program, “Let’s Have Fun at a Park”, will gradually phase in parks for recreational use, starting with Schenley. While the practice of visiting one of the city’s parks to go for a run, walk the dog, or otherwise benefit one’s physical and mental health is commonly accepted, this highly contested move of legalizing the act of visiting a park for fun has created divisive lines in our community.

“Enjoying your recreational options should be a personal choice,” said pro-recreational park user Ben Blazer. Other voices supporting the recreational use of Schenley Park included police chief Scott Schubert, contending that “excessive enforcement and inspection of doctor’s orders to ensure visitors of Schenley Park are there solely for medical purposes is straining on the city budget. By opening Schenley Park for recreational use, we can re-channel our resources towards cutting down on violent crime, as well as potentially boosting the economy.”

However, others are not so thrilled with the proposal. Director of park safety Bea Keehrful warns “We don’t want people to think that going to a park to play can be a wholesome activity. Any form of recreation is inextricably linked with ill side effects. Also, visiting parks ‘just for fun’ can be a dangerous gateway into other risky activities such as standing up to stretch for every hour of sitting at a desk.” Such mounting concerns are reasons why Schenley Park is still awaiting approval for recreational use. Concerned citizen Bob Boring worried that “[my daughter’s] school will allow them to go past the safety of the fenced-in playground to a park for so-called ‘recreational use’ – imagine what horrors she might see. It still sends chills down my spine recalling The Incident of the summer of ‘05 when the two kids caught playing hopscotch at Mellon Park got carted off to jail. Recreational use of parks is illegal for a reason.”

In the meantime, Peduto recommends visiting Schenley Park for recreational purposes under the cover of darkness until the law is passed.

Nanites Found in Dish Soap: Know Your Enemy

by The Voice of Reason


Everyone knows the Palmolive dish soap slogan, “Tough on grease, soft on hands.” But you sheeple probably never asked yourselves how Palmolive could develop a cleaning agent that automatically selects its toughness based on what type of surface with which it contacts. Readme Laboratories, LLC has analyzed dozens of samples of Palmolive dish soap and has found shocking news: there are swarms of nanoscopic robots, called nanites, planted by the government in the soap that can detect whether they are touching human hands.

Now, most people totally dismiss the notion of nanites planted by the government to accomplish their nefarious purposes. Even someone as reasonable as I, the Voice of Reason, have been skeptical about the existence of nanites. I’m not talking about the kind of nanites found in chemtrails—those are real. I’m talking about the nanites alleged by some to be in consumer products such as Dove shampoo and Pepsi. But then I found the Real Truth™. Yes, I had an epiphany, and, quite frankly, this truth was very difficult for me to accept, but unfortunately there is no other explanation for how Palmolive is tough on grease but soft on hands.

These nanites are covered in bioreceptors, known as Hod Or Anthropod Xylometrical Endpoint Sensors (HOAXES. Such an unfortunate acronym, but all of readme can assure you that HOAXES are real. We saw them with our own eyes.) engineered at the CDC and NIH with funding provided by the Bilderberg group. The NHTs can sense whether or not they are on a human hand. Now, this may sound harmless, and, for the time being, it is. But think about what could happen. What if the government instead programmed the Palmolive nanites to read your fingerprints and send them to the suspect terrorist database? This could indeed be part of the New World Order, in which a One World Government controls who can fly on a plane, who can cross international borders, and, by simply reprogramming the Palmolive nanites, can prevent the undesirables from rising to power.

I do not intend to scare you, dear reader. I only want to protect you. I want to help you protect yourself and protect your family. That’s why I developed my patented technology, NanoGloves, to come to your rescue. Before touching any suspect dish liquid, simply don these spiffy hand-coverings and you’ll be protected. Coated with a layer of Hod Or Anthropod Xylometrical Endpoint Resisting Sleeves (HOAXERS. Again, a rather unfortunate acronym, but I swear they work. Just ask one of our over 10,000 satisfied customers*), these gloves literally stop the nanites in their tracks. Order yours today for only $39.99 by calling 1-800-867-5309. But wait! There’s more! Order within the next four business days and receive [redacted].

*we were unable to sell any NanoGloves, thus there are no customers

Could the CAPS Mobile Air Quality Lab be Something More Sinister

by Spencer Early, Psychotronic Whistleblower


Members of the CMU community have likely noticed the large truck and van in the CFA parking lot, emblazoned with “CAPS Mobile Air Quality Lab”, along with what is purported to be data collection equipment—the antenna-looking things wired up to the van. However, according to readme investigators, this is not an air quality lab. Judging by the ominous apparatus pointed towards the sky, with cables snaking around, connecting to the back of the van, readme sees something quite foreboding. This is not an air quality lab, but a mind control testing ground. With the branching out of CaPS (Counseling and Psychological Services), a new front group called CAPS (Center for Atmospheric Particle Studies) has been rather unimaginatively created.

According to an informer from CaPS, CAPS will work with CaPS in order to “expand the services and availability of CaPS. Some students may afraid to seek counseling from CaPS for themselves, so we have launched CAPS so we can reach out to them. We are in testing phase, so passersby (or anyone who goes to CMU) may experience significant mental discomfort. However, we can assure you we will perfect our system to provide quality counseling services for anyone within range.”

So is there really evidence that the “Air quality lab” is really a mind control center? The reporters at readme were fortunate enough to discover a first-hand account of strange activities occurring near the site of the supposed air quality lab. Freshman Kenny Harvey claims he was walking by the van, when out of the blue “[I] felt this sort of dread. Something just felt wrong. There must be something going on in [that van]. Or maybe it was just me remembering all the looming 112 assessments.”

Obama Visits CMU: What the Tartan Won’t Tell You

by Spencer Early


What many believe to be our President’s White House Frontiers Conference may not be the case. Mr. Obama’s visit, scheduled for Thursday October 13, is actually the beginning of his clandestine plan to cover up the moon landing. This may sound absurd, but is there any real evidence that this may be true? The traditional conspiracy theory states that Americans landed on the Moon in July 1969, but What Really Happened?

Over the past five years, readme’s anonymous source, dubbed the Edward Snowden of the Millennium, who has Class AAA clearance at the State Department, National Security Agency, and the Bilderberg Group, handed over 300,000 classified documents revealing the truth, more than twice the scale of the Panama Papers… While readme’s chief investigative journalist was writing this story on Google Docs, he noticed a strange glimmer coming from Stever and – POOF! – his Internet connection was lost. It is a clear indication of Hillary’s people at the NSA tampering with the revelation of truth. An investigation ensued, in which detective Conan Scobell discovered a dossier of historical documents of Stever. Of major importance was one titled “Mankind’s Greatest Hoax – Faked Moon Landing”, describing the staged moon landing recorded right here on the fifth floor of Stever on Thursday October 13, 1969. Interestingly, Mr. Obama will be visiting campus on Thursday October 13. While even the finest readme sociologists do not know Obama’s intentions, we believe he is visiting so that he can cover up the Moon landing hoax.

A common feature between Stever and the moon landing is the prominent placement of a flag. But Stever has another flag as well. The arboreal flag. Stever’s theme of green housing is a clear indication of its support for this administration’s stance on climate change and Agenda 21. Why is Stever being the government’s lapdog and mouthpiece? Could it be that the government orchestrated the moon landing hoax there and continually provides funding to Stever to keep their mouths shut? The answer from our sources is an unequivocal ‘yes’. In fact, the true reason Obama is visiting campus is to renegotiate the contract with Stever on the depraved 47th anniversary of the moon landing farce. Stever has spoiled its fifteen-billion-dollar funding on conducting illegal tactics aimed at winning House Wars.  The reason for Stever’s shady relationship with the government and its approval of the government’s most flagrant lies? Could it be that the government sponsored the moon landing hoax in Stever?

But there is one crucial question: Stever was supposedly built in 2006, but the moon landing supposedly occurred in 1969. How could the American government fake the moon landing in a place that did not exist? One possible explanation is lunar aliens, also known as “moonies”. To the untrained eye, Stever appears quite normal, possibly even drab. But new freshman Stever resident Michelle Hopkins spotted new evidence. Instead of participating in House Wars, she admitted to communicating with moonies behind her locked door. The next morning, Hopkins discovered a note from a moony that read “read the final secret”.

Our sources have told us this is a bigger conspiracy and he/she/they will disclose more information after he/she/they find/s a sanctuary.

Forbes Pedestrian Mall Closes

Spencer Early, Street Crosser

Last Saturday, Forbes Avenue officially reopened, causing much rejoicing for both motorists and pedestrians who had grown tired of looking at the perpetual traffic jams on Fifth Avenue and Craig Street. However, one group has been affected inequitably—the throngs of people who during the closure used the street as a fifty foot wide pedestrian walkway.

When Forbes closed several weeks ago, many CMU students took advantage of this seemingly rare event. But as the weeks wore on, they began to take the closure for granted. “It’s basically just a sidewalk. But what were those white stripes for? I think it had something to do with a designation for where you are allowed to walk dogs.”

Then, on Saturday, April 2nd, the unthinkable happened and vehicular traffic returned to Forbes Avenue. Some students were still desperately trying to regain their old pedestrian walkway, flitting across Forbes before the walk signal. At first, they were met with little opposition, amounting to nothing more than cars swerving around them. “I thought it was strange that there were cars driving right through the pedestrian mall, without anyone even getting mad at them. The nerve of some people!”

But with the return of the work week on Monday, the reopening of Forbes crushed the few remaining dreams of the new pedestrian thoroughfare. “I thought we pedestrians had it made. Now I have to wait for the all too familiar ‘beep-boop’ just to get to class”, complained sophomore street-crosser Stuart Dunmoyle. “I wish they would just build a tunnel, or invent jetpacks or something.”

Maybe one day, students living in Morewood, Stever, Mudge, or apartments north of campus will have a dedicated, pedestrian-only passage across the main artery. Until then, street-crosses can console themselves with the fact that crossing Forbes with the beep-boop is still better than playing Frogger to cross Fifth at the WQED building.

Buggy Drivers Quit, Teams Poach Leprechauns

“I quit!”

Spencer Early, Irish Racing Correspondent

To date, the 2015-2016 Sweepstakes practice season has experienced over nine thousand buggy crashes. Understandably, the drivers are (pardon the pun) quite shaken up. Fearing for their lives, every buggy driver quit. Despite being granted privileges such as not having to sweep the course and saeihaeosn, all the drivers absolutely refused to get into a buggy ever again.

While it is nice that there will be no one getting hurt, it is not so nice that 2016 Sweepstakes will probably get canceled. Then, CIA had an idea. Pioneering buggy driver technology, CIA chair Reine Li set out to the forests of central Canada to search for leprechauns.

Why leprechauns? It is a known fact that only 1.7 percent of CMU students are small enough to drive a buggy. 100 percent of leprechauns are small enough to drive buggies. But the advantages do not stop there. Leprechauns require no sleep, therefore making great mechanics.

The benefits of leprechauns are tremendous. So tremendous that in addition to having leprechaun drivers and mechanics, CIA also plans to have an all-leprechaun push team. This will allow for lower pushbars, which is speculated to greatly improve freeroll times due to improved aerodynamics.

Lucky charms have yet to be ruled illegal, but the Sweepstakes committee is looking into it.

As of press time, many other teams have taken CIA’s lead and have begun poaching leprechauns.

Student Plans to Break Every Spring in Sight


Spencer Early, Elastic Metal Expert

Still confused about this upcoming “spring break”, freshman Charlie Thumpwig decided to do as he was told rather than ask the question, “What is spring break all about?” He figured there must be at least a few dozen springs in each of the approximately 230 robots on campus. Would 9 days really be enough time to break all of those springs? Thumpwig pondered.

Planning to carefully disassemble each robot, remove and break every spring, and then reassemble each machine, Thumpwig pored through the floorplans of every campus building, drawing a detailed map. Undercover readme reporters were able to get an up-close, exclusive view of Thumpwig’s plans, until they happened to sneeze and Thumpwig ordered them to “get out of my dorm room!”

It looked as though his route would spend the most time in Gates and Newell-Simon, breaking the springs in robots ranging from Tank, the roboceptionst, to Baxter, the multi-purpose factory robot. If Cobot happened by, Thumpwig would break its springs as well. A slight detour would be made to the University Center, where the Robotics Club is. Also, because Thumpwig is a real go-getter and always goes above and beyond the minimum expectations, he was hoping to have time to desolder every connection of RoboBuggy while he was down there.

Thumpwig also realized that it wasn’t just robots that had springs to break: any trampolines on campus were fair game, as well as staplers, faculty kids’ pogo sticks, chip clips, and all clicky ballpoint pens. He wasn’t sure if the dorm mattresses had springs or were just thick padding, but by golly he was going to rip one open to find out. No spring would be safe from Charlie Thumpwig. Not during spring break.

PSA: Ditch Passwords, Use Dvorak


Spencer Early, Dvorak User

A new study conducted by the Information Security Office determined that, while helpful in keeping out malicious identity thieves, an average of 0.112 percent of time on a computer is spent entering passwords. To combat this formidable time-waster, a team of security experts devised a cracker-proof alternative, the Dvorak keyboard layout. CMU Chief of Information Security August Dvorak says “[students] have a lot on their minds, so they shouldn’t be wasting 15 seconds each day entering passwords and trying to remember them. This change will make things much easier.” Especially since “no one would ever use it,” all would-be identity thieves will be utterly confused by the gibberish output from the esoteric keyboard layout. Making the switch to Dvorak will be simple, as most operating systems support Dvorak as an ANSI standard.

With the proposed security initiative, students should be able to leave their laptops unattended on the third floor of Gates without fear of some passerby making an unauthorized facebook post about “I’m a slug”—which would instead type “C-m a ongi”, which is precisely the sound a duck makes gargling saltwater. The potential thief would then immediately call the Marine Animal Rescue to administer proper medical help to the duck to stop the primitive salt gargling.

ECE major Sydney Elliott claims the change will be a roaring success for him. “This whole password business is especially bad when I mistype my password. Not only do I waste time and have to re-enter my credentials, but also, I nervously look over my shoulder in fear someone accusing me of hacking someone’s account.”

However, not everyone is pleased with this new initiative. Die-hard qwerty user Christopher Sholes contends that “The uprising of Dvorak is destroying American values such as finger gymnastics, carpal tunnel, and reduced typing speeds. We must act now to fight the keyboard layout change.” At press time, Sholes was seen conducting research that could expose security holes in substituting passwords with arcane keyboard layouts.

EPA Commends Deer Park’s Eco-Slim Cap

deer park

Spencer Early, Plastic Whistle Blower

Deer Park (100% Natural Spring Water) researcher Dr. Lynda Hortshire spent 4 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days researching and developing the revolutionary Eco-Slim cap as we know it today. The research team at Deer Park determined that, by substituting a smaller mold in the factory, the caps could be made 30 percent smaller. Only 4 months and 1.2 million dollars later, they discovered that the entire bottle could be manufactured using less plastic if they simply made the walls of their bottles thinner.

In this revolutionary discovery, Deer Park changed from their proprietary size A51 bottle to their radical new 500 mL design. It is truly remarkable how the human will never fails to improve. However, some have stated Dr. Hortshire is merely reducing packaging costs for Deer Park while simultaneously doing some schnazzy marketing.

Evidence for the landfill-shrinking potential of the Deer Park Eco-Slim cap is everywhere—just ask Paul Horker. Clambering along the ridgesides of Frick Park in search of his lost dog, Horker came across an improperly-disposed-of disposable water bottle, wedged between two mossy logs. “Where’d this come from?!” Generally inclined to remove litter, Horker approached this human-made debris. Upon closer inspection, it was nothing other than the Deer Park 500 mL bottle, proclaiming on its label “smaller cap, less plastic.”

“Wow!” exclaimed Horker. “I mistook the friend for foe. Not only does this bottle feature the Eco-Slim cap, which uses 30 percent less plastic, the bottle itself was—wait a sec—the cap is missing! Great, that means even smaller environmental impact,” Paul elaborated as a chipmunk slowly suffocated, trapped inside the bottle. Meanwhile, a colony of mosquitoes thrived in rainwater accumulated in the cap, preparing to infect the world with malaria and Zika virus. To summarise, Deer Park’s latest technology in disposable water bottles allows for chucking them wherever you do so desire.

In fact, one of the greatest garbage-generating activities one can engage in is the use of a reusable water bottle, because compared to a single-use bottle, they contain an average of 21 times the total plastic, and the caps contain 127 times more plastic. Therefore, the EPA recommends consumers to use only single-use Deer Park plastic bottles.