Obama Still President, Supreme Court Nomination of Merrick Garland Proves

 

Apratim Vidyarthi, Presidential Correspondent

In an event that comes as a surprise to all 24/7 news networks and presidential candidates, the Presidency of the United States is apparently still in the hands of Barack Obama. This “truth” was brought to light when the seemingly-still-President Obama nominated Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. While presidential candidates have proposed plans to revamp the economy and repeal Obamacare, few realize that President Obama still has power over the country.

Sources in the Senate report discombobulation and surprise by Republican senators, whose position on the Supreme Court nomination, a replacement for conservative Antonin Scalia, was that the U.S. needs a President to nominate a Supreme Court Justice. Asked for a comment, House Majority Leader and Turtle-in-Charge Mitch McConnell said “we initially opposed the nomination of a justice because we believed that a President is required, by the Constitution, for a nomination. We thought President Obama was no longer President, but he’s sneaky, holding onto power for the full eight years. We thought that replacing him on the news with Trump and Cruz would oust him from power.”

Many in the country expressed astonishment that Obama had the gall to remain in power and perform duties required by his office in the midst of an election season. Senator, Presidential Candidate, and Canadian Ted Cruz, in an evidence of his Canadian-ness, apologized for getting the facts wrong, and stated that “I opposed the Supreme Court nomination because I thought we needed a president in the White House before we could replace the justice, as stated in the constitution. I clearly know how the constitution works, because I studied it.” Analysts point to the contradiction that if Barack Obama had truly left the White House vacant, Ted Cruz would be there in less than five minutes to move in.

Former President George W. Bush, who went into hiding after leaving the White House, released a statement which mentioned that “I am surprised Barack Obama is keeping the Presidency for all eight years. I did not have enough stamina and left the White House to Cheney after my sixth year… hehehe. Nonetheless, my brother, who was running for president and is a bigger expert on the constitution than Trump—after all, he did help in Florida in 2000—said that Presidents are not allowed to nominate justices in their final year, especially if they are Democrats… hehehe.”

President Obama, who has struggled to get attention in the news because of their coverage of MH-370, the election, and Justin Bieber’s escapades, held a press conference and stated that “I have not moved out of the White House yet. My mailing address is still here! I cannot believe Senators McConnell and Cruz haven’t noticed, but it’s not like they’re in DC most of the time. I nominated a justice, as I think that’s my job, and it’s not like I have anything else to do, other than enjoy the beaches of Cuba.”

Rubio Drops, Receives Spirit Award from RNC

Behind the smile lies a level of despair only attainable by losing your home state to Donald Trump

Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

In the wake of former GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio’s suspension of his campaign after his crushing loss in Florida, reports have emerged that the Republican National Convention has given him a spirit award for “his energetic participation in the GOP primary process”.

Despite his onetime status as the Great Cuban Hope of the Republican Party, the candidate who could unite traditional conservatives, Tea Partiers and evangelicals with his compelling life story and optimistic message about America’s future, Rubio came away from the primary only with victories in a few inconsequential conquests and a foot-tall, shoddily made plastic trophy of a man behind a podium.

To discuss what Rubio’s pathetically token result means for his political future, readme has turned to Rubio’s campaign manager Alex Conant:

readme: Senator Rubio was hailed as the most viable candidate the GOP had on offer this election cycle, both in the primaries and in a general-election matchup against Hillary Clinton. He ended up winning Minnesota, Puerto Rico, Washington D.C. and a trophy so small that receiving it is honestly way more depressing than getting nothing. What happened?

Conant: What are you talking about? Marco Rubio winning the spirit award is a great achievement! We plan to hold a victory speech tomorrow night.

readme: …This really isn’t something you can hold up as a victory. Your man lost, Alex. He lost bad. He lost bad in his home state to someone who, let’s be frank, has no business winning any political contest whatsoever. You cannot have a victory speech about getting the spirit award.

Conant: See, now you’re just underestimating us. We held a victory rally after Rubio came in third in Iowa. We held a victory rally after he came in second in South Carolina. We didn’t hold a victory rally after he came in fifth in New Hampshire, but that’s just because our victory rally manager was out with the flu. Senator Rubio actually won something this time; if that doesn’t merit an unreasonably self-confident speech, I don’t know what does.

readme: Winning an election. That’s what does.

Conant: Look at all the endorsements we got from establishment politicians! Look at our several-hundred-person rallies! Look at the beautiful trophy that the RNC saw fit to award us! Surely, the Rubio campaign was nothing if not an unmitigated success.

readme: You poor, poor delusional bastard. Thank you for your time.

At press time, there’s pretty much no chance that Rubio wasn’t already gearing up to run again in 2020.

New Hampshire Primary Won by Donald Trump

New Hampshire primary won by Donald Trump!

 

Predicts his polls will get a “big bump”

Then laughs at Kasich and the “republican establishment loser lump”

Says Rubio is “stuck in a slump”

Calls Cruz “a crappy classless clump”

And chides “Chris Christie is a chubby chub chump”

Followed up by telling Jeb “please clap” Bush to “get off this sinking ship and jump”

Next he grills Bernie for “being a grouchy grouch grump”

And heckles Hillary for “having a sad saggy hump”

This leads him bragging about his wife’s “butt being both firm and plump”

After which the Donald drops the mic and starts to crump

Suddenly! He pulls down his pants and shows off his glorious golden rump

And proceeds to take a massive onstage dump!!!

 

Poem by Ben Kaplan

Breaking News: GOP Debate Has Facts

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Apratim Vidyarthi, Truth Correspondent

For the first time in nine debates, the GOP debate took a shocking turn as a single candidate uttered a sentence that was rooted in reality. Frontrunner Donald Trump, accompanied by what observers claimed was a lion’s mane seated atop his head, stated that 9/11 happened under the watch of Jeb! Bush’s brother, George W. Bush. Trump took things to the next level, stating that the Iraq war was a failure which was sold to the American people through lies, lies, and “yuge” lies, and that “weapons of mass destruction weren’t discovered in Iraq.”

This clearly crossed a line for the Republican establishment. Unwilling to allow facts to be uttered at a GOP debate, leading fact-debunker Fox News lashed out at Donald Trump. Establishment candidates—who normally deny their association to the establishment—Cruz and Rubio attacked Trump, unwilling to let the man, who previously claimed that “Mexicans are rapists, though some might be good people,” get away with bringing real facts to the table.

Exemplifying the gravity of the situation, Jeb! Bush went as far as to claim that he and former President George W. Bush were actually brothers, and that despite 9/11 and the deaths of more than 5,000 American servicemen, 80,000 Iraqis, and the nonexistent capture of Osama bin Laden, W actually kept America safe.

Some say that George W. Bush and his administration had clear reason to go to war against a ruthless and crazy dictator who suppressed his people, developed weapons of mass destruction, funded terrorist groups, and endangered our allies. Of course, this country was North Korea, but because we use the Imperial system and they use the metric system, we miscalculated, and hit Iraq.

The GOP debate got heated the moment Trump lashed out with facts. Spectators also saw Cruz and Rubio, both children of immigrants who hate immigration laws, speak in Spanish and add insult to injury for those GOP debate watchers who only speak American. Some believe that these instances of facts and bilingualism will lead to the death of the GOP. Others simply watched the carnage, and like Governor John Kasich, just said “aw jeez, oh, man.”

Incredibly Obscure GOP Gov to Suspend Campaign

racicot

Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

Former Montana governor and completely unremarkable Republican Marc Racicot announced his intent to suspend his campaign on Thursday, finally putting the bullet into a misadventure that everyone expected to end several months ago. Racicot, who had consistently polled .5% or less both nationally and in the early primary states, came in dead last in the Iowa caucus held last Monday.

Racicot was reportedly even beaten by equally forgettable former Virginia governor Jim Gilmore, who infamously received 12 votes total in the caucus. A chance at beating Gilmore and not coming in last was the inspiration for Racicot to enter the race, but unfortunately Gilmore was just too strong. In fact, once the caucus results were double-checked, it was confirmed that Racicot garnered precisely one vote—cast by his only Iowa staffer.

For a retrospective on Gov. Racicot’s amazingly uneventful campaign and his decidedly expected suspension, readme has of course turned to Racicot’s press secretary, fundraising team, policy workshop, speechwriter and best friend Greg “Longshot” Whitman:

readme: Well, the Racicot campaign has ended as it started—almost completely unacknowledged. Why do you think you were unable to develop any voter enthusiasm, or build any infrastructure, or, you know, accomplish literally anything?

Greg: I don’t know, man… There’s this anti-establishment sentiment going through the Republican Party this cycle that’s made it nearly impossible for anyone with governing experience to gain traction.

readme: While that may be true, that doesn’t explain how Gov. Racicot ended up getting literally one vote, and from someone on his payroll to boot. There wasn’t anything you or the governor could do?

Greg: Nope, nothing. We ran the best campaign we could given the times. I have no regrets.

readme: Why didn’t you hire anyone? Why didn’t you hold events? Why—

Greg: Look. LOOK. I DID NOTHING WRONG. GOVERNOR RACICOT DID NOTHING WRONG. WE JUST RAN AT AN UNFORTUNATE TIME. EVERYTHING IS FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE. EVERYTHING IS F-F-

Ed. note: At this point, Mr. Whitman began sobbing uncontrollably and, in a relatively lucid moment, asked for the interview to be ended.

At press time, the Wikipedia entry on Gov. Racicot’s 2016 run was doubled in size to two lines of text.

Trump, Cruz Split Iowa Win in Heartwarming Gesture

cruz-trump-2016

Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

Realizing that their friendship was far more important than winning the primary, Republican presidential frontrunners (prolonged sigh) Donald Trump and (sharp noise of disgust) Sen. Ted Cruz announced in a joint press conference late Monday night that they planned to share first place in the Iowa caucus.

The candidates, finding that competing for Iowa had jeopardized their long held rapport, came to the conclusion that neither Iowa’s 30 delegates, nor the free positive media coverage that came from a first-place finish in Iowa, nor even the sense of inevitability that an Iowa victory engenders, was worth such an outcome.

According to staff from both campaigns, the decision to share the victory was made on a whim by Sen. Cruz at around 10 PM on the night of the caucus. Votes were just beginning to be counted, and all indicators showed that the race could go either way. Cruz had begun work on his victory speech, but the more that he wrote the less emotionally fulfilled he felt. Sources have confirmed that at this point a single tear rolled down Cruz’s face as he realized what he had thrown away to reach for this prize.

Tears now streaming down his face, Cruz personally called Donald Trump’s campaign headquarters and, stammering and hyperventilating, asked to talk to “the man [he’d] spent so many happy hours with.” When Cruz was then redirected to Trump and told him how he truly felt, Trump too burst into tears and agreed right then and there that this rift between them had to be mended.

The two old friends and their campaigns hastily organized a joint event at which they would announce that, no matter what the final result turned out to be, they would split credit for winning Iowa and, consequently, all the positive coverage that would ensue. This event was greeted with high praise by both the media and the general public, who, to quote one bystander, were “just happy to see these guys together again.”

Even representatives from rival campaigns had nothing but good things to say about this development. One of Ben Carson’s staffers present at the press conference said that when Trump and Cruz made their announcement it “just about melted my heart” and that “you know, this gives me hope that American politics can rise above the nastiness it’s been stuck in for the last 230 years.”

At press time, Sen. Marco Rubio had pulled a massive upset victory in Iowa after voters realized that both Trump and Cruz were completely unelectable.

Ghost of Ronald Reagan 12th in GOP Primary Polls

Reagan prepping for his next debate in the 2016 campaign

Reagan prepping for his next debate in the 2016 campaign

Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

In an unexpected development in the 2016 Republican primary race, the ghost of former President and current GOP object of worship Ronald Reagan has fallen to 12th in the polls, just behind irrelevant one-term senator Rick Santorum and equally irrelevant Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. Polling at just four-tenths of a percent of likely Republican primary voters, the ghost of Reagan has fallen far short of expectations since entering the race in early June. Moreover, his fundraising efforts have been lackluster to say the least; in contrast to the tens of millions of dollars raised by more successful candidates, Reagan’s ghost has raised a paltry $1.5M, and his complete lack of any affiliated Super PACs has put him even further behind. Despite pretty much every Republican holding Reagan as one of the greatest Presidents, nay, men ever to walk upon this sinful Earth, he has somehow completely failed to gain traction. To explain this dichotomy, readme turned to longtime Republican strategist Joseph Plumber:

readme: Ronald Reagan is the most popular politician among Republicans in modern political history. How is it possible that he has so little support?

Plumber: Well, here’s his problem: It’s not Reagan himself that’s popular, it’s the idea of Reagan. Modern conservatives look back on his time in office as a period when conservatism’s star was ascendant, when they had a powerful ally in the White House who restored America to greatness after the malaise of the late 70s. What they forgot were his actual policies, which they’re now seeing again in the flesh (well, so to speak) in the candidacy of his ghost.

readme: What specifically are they objecting to? He seems pretty solidly conservative to me. In fact, his conservatism is the only thing about him that’s solid.

Plumber: Reagan’s ghost holds several positions that are anathema to today’s Republican party: compromise with Democrats as a solution to partisan gridlock, higher taxes when it makes economic sense, and most damningly of all a surprisingly lenient policy on undocumented immigrants. He even refuses to assert that America’s increased diversity and secularism has led to its decline, instead going on about this weird “Morning in America” thing.

readme: Is there any hope for Reagan’s ghost’s candidacy?

Plumber: Well, if he quickly and publicly veered hard to the right on taxes and immigration, maybe said something controversial about Mexicans or women or, even better, Mexican women, he just might be able to capture some media attention and gain a few percent in the polls. If he followed that up with a good performance in the third debate, who knows? He could be a frontrunner. But unless he does that, he’s a dead man. Reagan’s ghost is just too moderate for this Republican Party.

readme: Thank you for your time, Mr. Plumber, and make sure to say hi to Reagan’s ghost for me next time you’re near a Ouija Board.

At press time, Reagan’s ghost has dropped an additional tenth of a percent in the polls over a statement he has made claiming President Obama is a Christian who was born in the USA.

Boehner Run Out of Town by Angry Mob of Far-Right Congressmen

an-angry-mob

Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

In a stunning turn of events, Speaker of the House and 24-year Republican Congressman from Ohio John Boehner was chased out of Capitol Hill Friday morning by the House Freedom Caucus.

Wielding pitchforks and lit torches, the 30-plus member caucus gathered on the National Mall at the crack of dawn to plan their assault against Boehner. Observers at the scene mentioned hearing caucus chairman Jim Jordan (R-OH) whipping up the group, saying that Boehner “[had] been in this town for too damn long!” and “Whaddya say, boys, innit time we got rid of ‘im?”

To cheers from the riled-up crowd of ultra-conservatives, Jordan read through a list of grievances he had written up against Speaker Boehner, including “not being from around these parts,” “eyein’ our women,” and “capitulating to President Obama’s and congressional Democrats’ demands without putting up a fight.”

Grumbling amongst themselves at the injustices of having to put up with a Speaker who was not completely unwilling to compromise on anything, the Freedom Caucus mob approached Capitol Hill at 9 AM sharp and prepared themselves for Boehner’s arrival.

Upon sighting Boehner about ten minutes later, Jordan yelled “There ‘e is, boys! Git ‘im!” and the mob was off. In what was described as “a whole mess of hootin’ and hollerin’”, they ran screaming after Boehner, who upon seeing the mob had immediately hightailed it outta there.

After being chased around DC for a solid half-hour, Boehner realized that the jig was up and that he’d better leave Congress for good. After a few well-placed “An’ stay out!”s and “That’s what you get for being insufficiently committed to defunding Planned Parenthood!”s, the House Freedom Caucus celebrated their victory by calling for yet another fruitless Obamacare repeal vote. At press time, the House Freedom Caucus ne’er-do-wells had encircled Majority Leader and likely successor Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), chanting “You’ll be next! You’ll be next!”

Even More Obscure GOP Gov Joins Primary Race

Ever seen this guy before? Nope, didn’t think so. You from Montana, put your hand down.

Ever seen this guy before? Nope, didn’t think so. You from Montana, put your hand down.

Former Montana governor Marc Racicot announced his surprise entry into the Republican primary this morning. The governor of Montana from 1993 to 2001, Racicot made a name for himself in pretty much no way whatsoever. Racicot is anti-tax, pro-life, opposed to the Iran nuclear deal, supportive of an aggressive foreign policy, and strongly critical of the Obama Administration, a policy profile so similar to that of pretty much every other candidate running that it’s almost not worth mentioning. Even though the race already has a historic number of candidates competing for the nomination—Racicot’s entrance brings the total up to 18—Racicot’s press secretary (also his fundraising team, his policy workshop, his speechwriter, and his best friend Greg) assured our political correspondent that he has a realistic shot at the nomination.

readme: So, why did Gov. Racicot decide to enter the race?

Greg: Well, he saw how well [former New York Gov. George] Pataki and [former Virginia Gov. Jim] Gilmore were doing and thought, “Hey, I’m at least as much of a Republican governor who hasn’t held office for 15 years as these guys, I may as well take a crack at it too!”

readme: Is Gov. Racicot aware of the fact that Pataki and Gilmore are both polling under one percent?

Greg: I’ll admit that their polling leads may seem insurmountable right now, but we’re confident that once our operations really get into gear we’ll surpass them in no time.

readme: How is Gov. Racicot planning to fund his campaign?

Greg: With his personal Super-PAC funded almost exclusively by one super-wealthy business magnate, obviously. Is this even a question?

readme: Last question. How is Gov. Racicot going to take on the Trump Train?

Greg: Well, Marc’s going to physically destroy his cell phone in a variety of amusing ways. That worked out pretty well for Lindsey Graham, and it’ll work for us too.

Eds. note: Graham is currently polling 15th.

readme: Thank you for your time, and good luck. Seriously man, good, great, amazing, one-in-a-million, getting-struck-by-lightning-while-holding-a-winning-lottery-ticket luck.

Gov. Racicot plans to hold his first campaign event in Helena, Montana’s capital, where a crowd of nearly double-digits is expected. It remains to be seen whether he can parlay his complete lack of name recognition into dropping out of the race in March instead of December.