readme Unearths Document Showing its Originally Planned Name Was “Funyun”

by Mark Saporta, Making Elaborate Thinkpieces Always Correspondent

In an event that will surely go down in archaeosatirical history, readme was stunned earlier this week to discover a primary-source document in perfect condition that seemed to indicate that the newspaper was originally to be called “Funyun.”

Dated May 1999, the document precedes all known issues of readme by over a year, suggesting that it was written when readme was barely even in its planning stages. Further confirmation of its vast age comes through several photographs included in the document, which, in the ancient tradition, were clearly taken by wielding a device known as a “digital camera.”

Almost immediately after uncovering the primary source, readme’s forensic team set to work decoding why the earliest members of readme may have called the publication “Funyun.” Head of forensics and current Editor-in-Chef Rin Fair*** had this to say about the matter:

“While there’s obviously still a lot of work to be done yet to try to understand the archaic, almost completely meme- and irony-free language from this new document, we believe we may understand why ‘Funyun’ would have seemed to these bygone people like a logical name for a satirical newspaper. We have evidence of two contemporaneous artifacts that are similarly named: a professional satire website named ‘The Onion,’ and a brand of fake onion-ring snacks called ‘Funyuns.’ Now, believe it or not, modern wordplay like portmanteau and puns have been around a lot longer than you might think. We think that, in a rather clever and self-deprecating manner, the founders of readme planned to call their publication ‘Funyun’ because the snack both has a name that rhymes with ‘Onion’ and is, essentially, a fake onion. Moreover, we have reason to believe that, in some way, ‘Funyun’ was an inherently funny word in their culture. They were essentially saying that the paper is a fake ‘The Onion’ in a humorous way. Either that, or it’s a sex joke. We’re not entirely sure.”

Like all of his readme co-contributors, your correspondent is delighted about the discovery of this new document, and wishes the forensic team best of luck in gleaning all the information from this important historical find as they can.

 

*** Hey Rin, look who’s over here taking the high road! Betcha feel bad about calling me Fuckboi Curtis now, huh? HUH?! HUUUH?!

(Whatever. It’s not like I really care what you think about me anyway. Why should I?

…Baka.)

readme to Make Waffle Booth

by Rin Fair, Editor-in-Chef

2016-11-04-1

Loyal fans, readme has a special announcement. For the first time since its founding in 1895, readme will be building a booth for Carnival 2017. We hope to see you all on Midway supporting our hardworking bears.

As everyone knows, the 2017 Carnival theme is IHOP, so readme has decided to build a waffle booth. Well known for its waffle-making endeavors, readme was ecstatic to discover that Spring Carnival Committee has finally chosen a theme that will not leave readme desserted with insufficient dough to spend on a booth.

Readme’s booth will be made entirely of waffles, held together with toothpicks and syrup. The game, you ask? Avoid being eaten by the bears who have been lured out of the woods by the overwhelming odor of syrup. Bonus points if you come out of the booth unscathed by the waterfalls of Log Cabin.

While SCC usually insists on actual things like “plywood” or “leveling” or “not having the roof drip syrup on people’s heads,” readme is pretty sure that a word with its mascots will convince the Committees that waffles have sufficient structural integrity.

Readme has been waffling for years about whether it wants to build a booth, but given this year’s theme (some peasant acted all holey-er than thou and tried to tell readme the theme wasn’t actually IHOP, but readme quickly ironed out the truth), it was too good. Readme has been buttering up SCC for years, just waiting for the right opportunity to make is glorious booth debut.

We hope you keep us out of a sticky situation by helping out!

readme Gives Fleeting Moments of Happiness

Apratim Vidyarthi, Hope Correspondent

Of all the things that could be said about 2016, the year being a particularly satisfying or reassuring one is not one of them. Thus, we at readme are working our hardest, and sacrificing our procrastination time to write articles that take us away from the pain of scrolling through our Facebook newsfeeds and reading more terrifying articles about the Republican Party.

Our mail and email inboxes have been flooded with concerning emails about increasing depression, alarm, and consumption of giant tubs of ice cream, as more and more people tune into the news and immediately shake in terror after seeing the chaos. Some readers are surprised that our country harbors so many racists, sexists, and homophobes, forgetting that last conversation with their racist grandmas, or that sexist conversation with the ogling construction worker, or the continued existence of the KKK. Many readers wrote that this “Donald Trump joke is getting old.” We think so too, and more is at risk for us than for you: he is already destroying jobs in the comedy industry, since it’s really hard to make jokes when reality is just as funny and scary. Some readers complained that simply turning on the news gives them PTSD. We can only call upon the nation’s government and tell them that events today are creating a heavier burden on our medical system, and that Republicans are once again doing their best to destroy Obamacare by overburdening our medical system and then blaming it for failing.

The staff at readme understand the darkness and chaos that is engulfing this country. We understand that those who laugh at our articles do so for catharsis in a world where all other media outlets are terrifying and cause wet pants. We understand the heavy burden and responsibility placed upon us to fight this darkness, and we can proudly claim that at best, we can laugh at the insanity of this year for maybe a month or two, before we too are taken by the Trumpocalypse. Our commitment to you is that we shall make you laugh in the face of impending doom, so that you do not go gently into that good night.

In Surprising Turn of Events, readme Wins ALL the Prizes

“Thank you, thank you, I’m here all night!”

“Thank you, thank you, I’m here all night!”

Thatcher Montgomery, Narcissism Correspondent

It’s the time of the year again when we honor the memory of Alfred Nobel, a man who was convinced to do better by seeing an accidental obituary for himself that berated him for inventing dynamite. The result of this epiphany are the Nobel Prizes. readme is happy to say that it is this year’s winner of the Nobel Prizes.

“Hey, congratulations!” you might exclaim. “Which prize?” you might ask. Not to brag, but that would be all of them. readme excels in every area able to be excelled at. No matter what task is at hand, readme has a tool for the job.

“Even medicine?” Yes, of course. Haven’t you heard? Laughter is the best medicine, and who or what produces more laughter than readme? Nothing. readme is the epitome of laughter.

“Okay, but what about economics?” First of all, the prize in economics is technically only the Nobel Memorial Prize, created more than 50 years after Alfred Nobel’s death. But even so, readme won that one too. You see, readme’s pricing of “free” and “$3” is such a revolutionary scheme that it is disrupting markets around the globe.

“Literature?” Do you even have to ask? What are you doing right now? That’s right, reading. And what would you rather be reading than readme. Case closed.

“All the others?” Yeah, those too. Whatever other prizes there are to be won, readme won them.

Don’t you feel a warm fuzzy glow for having such a highly-regarded, well-esteemed, internationally-recognized, super-awesome publication like readme on campus? Well, we at readme know we sure do.

Students Enjoy Three-Day Weekend After First Week of Classes

Perfect way to spend a three day weekend. And possibly readme's first original picture.

Perfect way to spend a three day weekend. And possibly readme’s first original picture.

Although some students look like they barely made it, the first week of classes came and went without too much trouble. And of course, with such a great achievement as struggling through a week of introductions and syllabus readings, the hard-working students of CMU decided it would be best to take a three-day weekend in celebration.

readme ventured out through the neighborhoods to observe some of the students in their natural habitat. It wasn’t long before it stumbled into a lively house party. “OMG, you’re that thing that’s part of the Tartan, right?” readme made its exit shortly thereafter.

The next one was much more agreeable. Students were having a good time, standing around and shouting at each other while taking gulps from red cups. readme asked for something to drink, and after some confusion, was given its own cup. Upon inspection, readme concluded it was tap water. There must be something in the pipes along Beeler and Wilkins to make everyone so rambunctious.

At a third party, everyone was wearing clothes with strange symbols on them. “CMU is so nerdy,” one engineer dude-bro comment-
ed to readme. “It’s why we have to party every week, to let off the steam of being so nerdy.” A girl leaned in and added, “I know, it’s so terrible. I went to the midnight release of Kim Kardashian’s selfie book. I even dressed up as her, but no one else put in any effort! I couldn’t believe it. Nerds.”

On the way back to its home on the third floor of the UC, readme passed a cluster full of students. Wondering what they were doing in a cluster on a three-day weekend, readme poked its head in. “We already have homework on the first week! I don’t understand this school,” one exclaimed. “I thought they were kidding when they said 112 would take over your life, but they weren’t lying.” Another agreed: “I know, we’ve been sitting here groaning about it for hours instead of making progress. It’s just impossible!”

Elections Are Coming

Who Will Sit on the Throne of readme?

Ah, election season. The smell of campaign promises in the breeze, the sound of chirpings made up of vague proclamations of broad values, the sun shining on the smiling faces of career politicians who will do anything they can to separate themselves from the crowd.

 

“But it’s not even 2016 yet,” I’ve heard people complain. “The presidential election is still so far off.” When you’re talking about the most powerful position in the world, the leader of the free press, the commander in chief of a small staff of writers, who cares about the presidential elections? I meant readme’s elections.

 

The chosen few of the electoral college, namely, those active readme members we could entice with candy, gathered last Friday to vote on their leadership for next year. After long deliberations, we entered our ballots, and the count showed that Hillary Clinton won with 98% of the vote. The remaining 2% were for Elizabeth Warren, who wasn’t even running. After trying again, the results remained the same, only the 2% switched to Bernie Sanders, who’s almost as good as Warren. I guess Clinton 2016 is just inevitable.

 

Despite rummaging around the back room of the AB office, we still couldn’t find the bylaws for readme elections. So we called up Clinton, and asked her to be Editor-in-Chef. However, the person on the other end of the line wasn’t very astute, and just kept asking us to “press 1 to make a donation to the Clinton dynasty, er, campaign.” We took that to mean that Clinton declined the offer to helm readme in the upcoming year.

 

The next tally of the votes turned up a bunch of arrowheads. We explained to readme members that A Song of Fire and Ice is a fictional story, and more importantly, that they should be more careful about what they reveal, as they could spoil it for Game of Thrones, the TV show. Although the tables might be turned in the upcoming season. Don’t tell me, I haven’t watched any of Season 5 yet.

 

Finally, we ended up with a current, present, non-graduating member of readme as the Editor-in-Chef for next year. This fine author, namely, yours truly, Thatcher Montgomery, will be whipping up some delicious satire sandwiches for your enjoyment. After much urging, two henchmen stepped up to help my takeover of Carnegie Mell—I mean, to help my production of readme. Rin Fair will be filling the new position of Word Warlock, and will hopefully help keep our issues error-free, which apparently is preferable to error-filled, and Rachel Karp will be our Finance Mage, and magic us up some money so we can continue printing.

 

We look forward to continuing our core mission of brainwashi—of serving students with omelettes made from free-range facts, whipped just enough to inject some silliness. Enjoy this penultimate issue and our final, finals week, swimsuit issue, and consider joining us next year.

Jon Stewart Totally Joins readme

See? This is why you attend readme meetings, Fridays at 4:30!

See? This is why you attend readme meetings, Fridays at 4:30!

Jon Stewart, king of “The Daily Show,” a small kingdom northeast of Comedyland and just west of Satireia, has made an official announcement that he will be abdicating the throne. After a 17-year reign over “The Daily Show,” it seems that he has decided to leave behind the glory of the monarchy for a more humble existence… as just another royale. Although it is not clear when this will happen, nor who will take the throne, or even if the kingdom will exist after the abdication, there is a consensus that he will be stepping down from his throne at some point that is not right now.

 

While this news came as a small shock to readme and others who enjoy (or are composed of) satire, there seems to be a silver lining to the unfortunate event. Lately rumors have been circulating that once he has left “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart may be joining another well-loved source of satire. That’s right, Jon stewart is joining readme. Well, according to the rumors that is.
None of this information has been verified; however, readme is confident that it is true. Having been good friends with the illustrious king for years, readme is sure that after a satisfying career on television, His Majesty Jon Stewart will be ready to spend some quality time lending his name and satirical skills to a more humble peer (that’s readme, of course). So, while the future of “The Daily Show” may be uncertain, readme can look forward to the moment, which will definitely happen, when Stewart make the official announcement that he is joining readme. Because that is definitely what is going to happen. Obviously.

Uninformative, Pun-Filled Headline

Caption commenting on poorly-photoshopped picture only tangentially related to the article itself.

Caption commenting on poorly-photoshopped picture only tangentially related to the article itself.

Sentence introducing topic for those living in the college bubble. Idiotic and ridiculous angle on said topic. Continued defense of it. Moronic rhetorical question?

 

Introduction of quotable person through unnecessarily and uncomfortable reveals of information. “Quote explaining why the idiotic position may not be entirely idiotic,” says quoted person. “Follow-up quote that demonstrates the actual idiocy of the idiotic position.” readme does something humorous.

 

Introduction of another quotable person. This one may have a punny name or referential name that few will “get.” When asked for his/her/it/thing’s opinion, it said “Something even more ridiculous than was said before.” Another person with a more serious-sounding name, who says, “Straight man line that ought to be read out loud with a commanding tone, or else a pipsqueak’s squeal, if angling for irony.” The project/event/occurrence is something interesting.

 

Wrap-up of things said on the idiotic topic which for some reason is still being written about. Funny references of the previous quotes and positions, in case you were not paying attention earlier. Humorous final line. Immediate retraction.

What to Do When People Ask, “So, What Do You Do with That Major?”

  • “I ask other people what they do with theirs.”
  • “Math. Lots of math.”
  • “Art. It’s in the name.”
  • “Ritual summoning. Lots of ritual summoning.”
  • “I predict the future with 60% accuracy.”
  • “I build bridges, then burn them. Civil Engineering/Chemical Engineering is tough.”
  • “Kick your ass with it.”
  • “More than you do with yours.”
  • “I work at Starbucks.”
  • “Sink $50,000 into CMU every year.”
  • Nothing. Just cry.
  • “What do you think I do with it?”
  • “Write for readme.”
  • “Write for the Tartan.”
  • “Attend college fairs where I get asked what I do with my major.”
  • Organize college fairs where I ask students what they do with their major.”
  • “Continue to stay active in CMU student orgs even though I should have moved on a long time ago.”
  • “Hire you.”