readme to Make Waffle Booth

by Rin Fair, Editor-in-Chef

2016-11-04-1

Loyal fans, readme has a special announcement. For the first time since its founding in 1895, readme will be building a booth for Carnival 2017. We hope to see you all on Midway supporting our hardworking bears.

As everyone knows, the 2017 Carnival theme is IHOP, so readme has decided to build a waffle booth. Well known for its waffle-making endeavors, readme was ecstatic to discover that Spring Carnival Committee has finally chosen a theme that will not leave readme desserted with insufficient dough to spend on a booth.

Readme’s booth will be made entirely of waffles, held together with toothpicks and syrup. The game, you ask? Avoid being eaten by the bears who have been lured out of the woods by the overwhelming odor of syrup. Bonus points if you come out of the booth unscathed by the waterfalls of Log Cabin.

While SCC usually insists on actual things like “plywood” or “leveling” or “not having the roof drip syrup on people’s heads,” readme is pretty sure that a word with its mascots will convince the Committees that waffles have sufficient structural integrity.

Readme has been waffling for years about whether it wants to build a booth, but given this year’s theme (some peasant acted all holey-er than thou and tried to tell readme the theme wasn’t actually IHOP, but readme quickly ironed out the truth), it was too good. Readme has been buttering up SCC for years, just waiting for the right opportunity to make is glorious booth debut.

We hope you keep us out of a sticky situation by helping out!

Uninformative, Pun-Filled Headline

Caption commenting on poorly-photoshopped picture only tangentially related to the article itself.

Caption commenting on poorly-photoshopped picture only tangentially related to the article itself.

Sentence introducing topic for those living in the college bubble. Idiotic and ridiculous angle on said topic. Continued defense of it. Moronic rhetorical question?

 

Introduction of quotable person through unnecessarily and uncomfortable reveals of information. “Quote explaining why the idiotic position may not be entirely idiotic,” says quoted person. “Follow-up quote that demonstrates the actual idiocy of the idiotic position.” readme does something humorous.

 

Introduction of another quotable person. This one may have a punny name or referential name that few will “get.” When asked for his/her/it/thing’s opinion, it said “Something even more ridiculous than was said before.” Another person with a more serious-sounding name, who says, “Straight man line that ought to be read out loud with a commanding tone, or else a pipsqueak’s squeal, if angling for irony.” The project/event/occurrence is something interesting.

 

Wrap-up of things said on the idiotic topic which for some reason is still being written about. Funny references of the previous quotes and positions, in case you were not paying attention earlier. Humorous final line. Immediate retraction.

In Which readme Hits Critical Mass for Nerdy Snake Puns

Very few are aware of the fact that Carnegie Mellon is a school that excels in robotics. So it was a real surprise when readme saw a news article talking about a CMU robotics project working to perfect mechanical snakes. As a snake lacks legs, wheels, or treads that might trip it up in bumpy terrain, experts assert its form is ideal for search-and-rescue missions and exploration in unknown terrains.

But not everyone is so convinced of the strength of the design. When informed of the project, CMU mechanical engineering/archaeology double major Indiana Jones could only mutter, “Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?” Meanwhile, robotics major (with a PhD in Badass) Samuel L. Jackson notes that some environments will still provide difficulty to the robot, saying there’s “no way they’ll get these motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plain.”

Nonetheless, the team presses on, with a whole host of mechanical widgets to ensure full snake accuracy. The body of the snake is formed of a series of interlocking segments which roll, wiggle, and undulate. It is paired with a remote shaped like a five-foot-long flute and a woven basket carrying case, and its code is all written in Python.

The snake’s history is a long one, full of twists and turns and winding trails. The original, ‘classic’ prototype possessed a very unique design flaw where every time the head touched any other part of its body, the whole snake would disappear and the team would have to start over. Later prototypes corrected this flaw, using a more ‘solid’ design structure, but the resulting snake had an unfortunate habit of hiding under cardboard boxes whenever someone looked at it. Current models still have a gaping security hole where they can be hacked by any twelve-year-old kid with a grasp of Parseltongue.

Researchers have managed, however, to teach their robots how to slither up sandy surfaces, in a breakthrough that triggered the recent wave of media attention. By observing sidewinder rattlesnakes, one of the only snake species with the ability to scale these surfaces, the team was able to unlock the secret of their unique slither. Similar projects slated for the future include observing the specialized swimming motion of the sea snake, the characteristic ‘glide’ of Southeast Asian gliding snakes, and the unique stair-climbing capability of the slinky. The team is already working with a group of oil salesmen from the Tepper School of Business on marketing the machine.

CMU Launches Global Brian Research Initiative

mind_of_brian_2Carnegie Mellon University recently announced the launch of CMU BrianHub, a global initiative to understand the complex relationship between the Brian and his environment. To this end, the University has been recruiting Brians for study and research purposes. They will be compensated for their time and hair loss.

“I’m not sure what we’ll be doing, but I can’t turn down cash,” said Brian #3 (CFA ’19). When asked if the study’s methodology had followed standard ethics practices, Brian #7 (MCS ’18) appeared confused. “I’m just here for the free food,” he said. Approximately five minutes later, he was escorted out by University Police, which frightened Brian #5 (DC ’18), who hid under a table until they left.

The involved researchers seemed enthusiastic about finding cures for common Brian afflictions, such as Brian fever, Brian’s disease, and acne. “We’re hoping to develop new tools for finding and treating these illnesses quickly and efficiently,” said neurobioecologist Brian Griffin. “I’m particularly invested in this project because I don’t want any other Brians to experience what I have gone through.” His eyes then darted around as he blushed into his drink. readme didn’t ask.

readme was able to meet up with Brian #4 (MCS ‘15) after his first research session. “It was bizarre,” he said. “All I did was sit in a room and listen to a Monty Python song. Then I had to write a paragraph about how I felt while getting an MRI.” Brian #8’s (CIT ‘14) experience was quite different: “First I listened to a recording telling me how high and noble I was. Then I was handed a teleportation-making gun and directed through obstacle courses by a friendly female voice. Finally, I spun in a circle while listening to ‘Brian Wilson’ on repeat. I’m definitely going back for the next session.” When asked why, he responded, “I ran out of blocks, and I need to eat somehow.”

No definite results have yet arrived from the experiments, but researchers remain hopeful. “We’re going to keep trying until we get results, even if it kills them,” said Griffin, then: “Can you not print that? The ethics committee is displeased enough as it is.”