PA Primaries: Please, Pittsburgh, Prevent Trump

Apratim Vidyarthi, Staffwriter

As the primary season drags on and the presidential campaign reality show embarrasses more Americans than ever before, it is about to hit Pennsylvania hard. The Pennsylvania primary has a lot riding on it: hope of redemption for Bernie Sanders; hope of a snowball effect for Hillary Clinton; continued ignorance of Donald Trump’s misogynistic, racist, and violent campaign for Donald Trump; continued desperation for anyone but Trump for Ted Cruz; and hope that people know who John Kasich is, for John Kasich. As with the entirety of primary season, newscasters and internet commenters (both of which have a tendency to be surprisingly unreliable) alike are deeming this a toss-up, though polls and statisticians like Nate Silver seem to have a grasp of reality.

Bernie Sanders and his “revolutionary” campaign claim that the past five contests — most of which he won with margins of more than 30 points — will give him momentum to ride through Wisconsin and back into the states near his home of Vermont. However, proximity to the small, mostly-white, and wealthy state seems to have no impact on the polling, which shows an overall chance of Hillary Clinton winning Pennsylvania at 96%. Without complex statistical models and only depending on the polls, Clinton has a 53% chance of winning — but even then, Sanders has a huge delegate gap to make up, one that a simple birdie and a revolution-in-name may not be able to overcome. Sanders needs to win more than 60% of Pennsylvania for him to overcome the more than 200 delegate deficit he has; yet Clinton is projected to win 66-30 based on statistical models.

On the Republican side, Donald Trump’s populist campaign is on the defense as Trump’s campaign manager turned himself into custody following a battery charge in Florida, a state that keeps on creating drama and disappointing (and entertaining) America. Trump’s campaign team has shown cracks in its armor, with several key members defecting. Trump himself has continued to behave as he has for the last four months, showing no true knowledge of foreign policy, how the government works, or how to respect women, minorities, and common sense. Nonetheless, the statistical model at FiveThirtyEight shows Donald Trump’s chance of winning as 46%, compared to a 27% chance for Cruz or Kasich. The polling averages also show a double digit lead for Trump, with Kasich coming in second place. What this support for Kasich means is that Pennsylvania might be one of the few states with a relatively sane population, not blinded by its anger against incompetent establishment Republican politicians who have used obstructionism and corruption to bring Washington DC to a halt. Nonetheless, the fact that Donald Trump leads brings very real risk to the likelihood of him having a strong shot at being the Republican nomination for Presidency, and potentially bringing a collapse to the world economy and a drought of pride for Americans.

In Pittsburgh, Senator Sanders has visited the city to give a stump speech that is beginning to sound more hackneyed as the contest goes on; akin to Clinton’s hackneyed copying of Sanders’ positions. Clinton will probably follow Sanders to the city, which leans democratic, to push for the massive 210 delegates that Pennsylvania offers. Sanders’ policies, which are more protectionist and pro-blue-collar, could ring true with those still living in Pittsburgh’s history. Clinton’s policies, which are rooted in realism about trade and technological progress, could appeal to the new Pittsburgh, including to the support community for universities in the area. Nonetheless, the majority of college students are bound to support Sanders in line with the rest of the nation, given that Sanders’ policies have selling points that appeal to the youth: legalization of marijuana, free college tuition, and free healthcare (at the expense of tax increases and political dreams ignorant of the Congressional gridlock and Republican majorities in the House and the Senate, at least one of which is most likely to stay red).

Ultimately, this primary and presidential election season are of historic importance. For Republicans, it is a choice between two sexist, racist homophobes (Trump and Cruz) and a man who is just a sexist (Kasich), but still better than what was expected of Republican politicians. For Democrats, it is a choice between realism and optimism; between incremental change or purported revolution; between a progressive who can appeal to the masses or a progressive who hopes to appeal to the masses; and between two candidates who will nonetheless make history by being either the first woman or first Jewish president. America is the precipice of history, and Pittsburgh and Pennsylvania must make sure they are on the right side of it.

Hillary Clinton is “Just Like You”


Kwanpo Cheng, Youth Correspondent

With the Democratic nomination in sight, Senator Hillary Clinton has redoubled her efforts to portray herself as the most viable, humane candidate for the upcoming presidency. She will have to win the initial primary against major competitor, Senator Bernie Sanders, and all the other candidates we have already forgotten.

“Major campaign efforts went into creating a large presence on the ‘Internet,’” Senator Clinton said in a recent interview. “It’s a strange contraption Al Gore invented, and all the youths have been on and I recognized the need for me and my image to also be with those youth on the internet. I am on the Twitters, Instagrammy, and basically any other website you can imagine. If you use it, I will be there, providing updates about my life that you did not realize you needed. Please vote for me,” she added in a low whisper.

Senator Clinton is also just like us. Sometimes, voters forget that she is a senator at all. When several supporters were asked about their views on the candidate, they responded they initially believed she was a young, hip, fun, hilarious, meme-wielding woman. One supporter said he really related to how Senator Clinton lifts thirty pounds on a daily basis, while occasionally pigging out on thirty pints of chocolate mint ice cream at home. “I don’t really care what her stance is as long as she thinks Chandler is the best of them all.”

Most recently, the Benghazi hearing has been nothing but a strong boost to her mirror image. When asked if her use of a private email server exposed classified information, she responded, “I love Gmail. It is the best email service, much better than Yahoo!” When the committee looked bewildered, she added, “I also helped New York rebuild after the 9/11 attacks,” and was met with thunderous applause.

Her latest efforts to identify with voters include a 30-day binge at Chipotle, which she believes everyone has done, but doesn’t admit it.

Questions Cut from the Democratic Debate

• I’m really interested in the Clinton Foundation, could you tell me more about the interview process?

• Senator Webb, Governor O’Malley, Governor Chafee, who the hell are you people?

• Governor Chafee, your word is: syzygy

• Which Fantastic Four film is your fav?

• If you had to fight 100 duck-sized…

• What do you think of my new haircut?

• In 20 double-spaced pages, please assess the factors contributing to the downfall of the Austro-Hungarian Empire

• Gov. Chafee, the last four years have been the best of my life. I don’t know how to ask this, but will you marry me?

• Gov. O’Malley, your rebuttal.

• If elected, how many babies do you plan to kill with all of the guns you take from us?


• Bernie Sanders, this question comes from Reddit. On a scale from amazing to amazing, how amazing would you describe yourself?

• Trump, Carson, Fiorina: FMK

• Can you ignore this question and pivot to your talking points?

• Governor Chafee, go home. Just… Just go home.

• If you were forced to kill a human being, how hard would that get you, Jim Webb?

• What would you do for a Klondike bar?

• Anyone know who that guy on the end is? How did you get in here?

• What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

SANDERS: You know it’s the 90% of swallows which are drastically overburdened. Only the top half of the top one percent of swallows are unburdened.
CLINTON: Well, I really think it’s time for a female swallow.
WEBB: Hey, hold on, you didn’t let me answer yet! It’s my tu-
O’MALLEY: You all talk about unladen swallows. But I actually am one.
CHAFEE: Look Ma! I’m on stage!
WEBB: I killed a swallow with my bare hands and ate it.

• Human life is an exercise in lifelong suffering until death, and all of our achievements are rendered meaningless in the face off the inevitable heat death of the universe. As president, what steps would you take to prevent this?

“The cat is either dead or alive if it’s 50% chance. But what if we made it a 99% v 1% chance? They would become fat cats. The other cats would form unions. What? I like cats a lot I guess. I’m Bernie sanders.” -Bernie Sanders

• What is your favorite flavor of pie?

SANDERS: You know the problem with the pie is that it’s not being shared equally! The top half of one percent are getting 90 percent of the pie!
CLINTON: You know, I can think of one kind of pie we haven’t tried yet…
O’MALLEY: You all can talk about pie, but I’ve actually made a pie. When I was in Maryland, we made our own pie.
COOPER: But it’s been alleged that there were only Black birds in that pie, isn’t that still a problem in Maryland?
CHAFEE: I like pie.
WEBB: A man once tried to take my pie. I liked him with my bare hands, and ate him along with the pie. And I’d do it again.

Ghost of Ronald Reagan 12th in GOP Primary Polls

Reagan prepping for his next debate in the 2016 campaign

Reagan prepping for his next debate in the 2016 campaign

Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

In an unexpected development in the 2016 Republican primary race, the ghost of former President and current GOP object of worship Ronald Reagan has fallen to 12th in the polls, just behind irrelevant one-term senator Rick Santorum and equally irrelevant Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. Polling at just four-tenths of a percent of likely Republican primary voters, the ghost of Reagan has fallen far short of expectations since entering the race in early June. Moreover, his fundraising efforts have been lackluster to say the least; in contrast to the tens of millions of dollars raised by more successful candidates, Reagan’s ghost has raised a paltry $1.5M, and his complete lack of any affiliated Super PACs has put him even further behind. Despite pretty much every Republican holding Reagan as one of the greatest Presidents, nay, men ever to walk upon this sinful Earth, he has somehow completely failed to gain traction. To explain this dichotomy, readme turned to longtime Republican strategist Joseph Plumber:

readme: Ronald Reagan is the most popular politician among Republicans in modern political history. How is it possible that he has so little support?

Plumber: Well, here’s his problem: It’s not Reagan himself that’s popular, it’s the idea of Reagan. Modern conservatives look back on his time in office as a period when conservatism’s star was ascendant, when they had a powerful ally in the White House who restored America to greatness after the malaise of the late 70s. What they forgot were his actual policies, which they’re now seeing again in the flesh (well, so to speak) in the candidacy of his ghost.

readme: What specifically are they objecting to? He seems pretty solidly conservative to me. In fact, his conservatism is the only thing about him that’s solid.

Plumber: Reagan’s ghost holds several positions that are anathema to today’s Republican party: compromise with Democrats as a solution to partisan gridlock, higher taxes when it makes economic sense, and most damningly of all a surprisingly lenient policy on undocumented immigrants. He even refuses to assert that America’s increased diversity and secularism has led to its decline, instead going on about this weird “Morning in America” thing.

readme: Is there any hope for Reagan’s ghost’s candidacy?

Plumber: Well, if he quickly and publicly veered hard to the right on taxes and immigration, maybe said something controversial about Mexicans or women or, even better, Mexican women, he just might be able to capture some media attention and gain a few percent in the polls. If he followed that up with a good performance in the third debate, who knows? He could be a frontrunner. But unless he does that, he’s a dead man. Reagan’s ghost is just too moderate for this Republican Party.

readme: Thank you for your time, Mr. Plumber, and make sure to say hi to Reagan’s ghost for me next time you’re near a Ouija Board.

At press time, Reagan’s ghost has dropped an additional tenth of a percent in the polls over a statement he has made claiming President Obama is a Christian who was born in the USA.