Wikileaks Releases Confidential Valentines

Apratim Vidyarthi, Stolen Valentines Correspondent

Wikileaks recently announced its most troubling cache of files since the Snowden affair, revealing the inner thinkings and workings of presidential candidates. As news goes, these releases were of primary interest to TMZ and E! News, though CNN did run 24 continuous hours of news coverage in a break from their search for MH-370.

Hillary Clinton went for the classic message, with a card that said “Roses are red, violets are blue, campaign for me, because you owe me for 20 years of suffering for you.” In a sign of political shrewdness, Clinton released this message along with her latest batch of emails, fearing that hiding her Valentine’s day message would lead to another 12-hour hearing in Washington DC. A Clinton campaign member, who wishes to retain her anonymity, stated that they hope that this romantic gesture shows that Hillary Clinton has feelings, engages in feelings, and hopefully this will improve her standing amongst younger voters who don’t believe Clinton has feelings.

Bernie Sanders reverted to his stump speech in his message to his wife: “99% of my love is devoted to 1 person: you. Under my Presidency, everyone will get a chance at love. Secretary Clinton has taken donations from Cupid. She will not take on big love.” Sanders is reportedly a big romantic, having taken his wife to the most beautiful of all places for their honeymoon in the 60’s—the USSR.

Marco Rubio gave his wife a card that simply stated “Let’s dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing.” This came as no surprise to scientists, who have begun to investigate whether Senator Rubio is natural or manmade. Constitutional scholars have yet to debate on whether a robot could be eligible for the highest office of the nation.

However, constitutional scholars taking Senator Cruz to court over his citizenship were not surprised by Cruz’s message to his wife. Cruz actually apologized to his wife, saying “I am sorry we’re not together this Valentine’s day. I love you as much as I love America, which by the way is my home country. I love you more than I love machine gun-cooked bacon, and more than Obama loves socialism.” Scientists referred to Cruz’s usage of the word ‘sorry’ as further evidence that Cruz truly is Canadian, and is simply putting up his repugnant facade to gain the trust of (American) voters.

Donald Trump’s Valentine’s day message was classy as himself, writing to his wife that “no wall can get between us. I love you more than I love myself. Also, I would date my daughter.” Analysts expressed surprise not only at the fact that Trump was romantic, but also at the idea that someone is still married to Mr. Trump.

Jeb? Bush, whose candidacy has evolved from Jeb! to Jeb? to Jeb… had a desperate message for his wife, whom he confused as a South Carolina voter: “I hope you’ll vote for me!”

Finally, Wikileaks did not release messages from Ben Carson, who was widely reported to have been asleep during Valentine’s day and thus have missed it; and from John Kasich, who Wikileaks mistakenly identified as an unknown democratic candidate.

Incredibly Obscure GOP Gov to Suspend Campaign

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Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

Former Montana governor and completely unremarkable Republican Marc Racicot announced his intent to suspend his campaign on Thursday, finally putting the bullet into a misadventure that everyone expected to end several months ago. Racicot, who had consistently polled .5% or less both nationally and in the early primary states, came in dead last in the Iowa caucus held last Monday.

Racicot was reportedly even beaten by equally forgettable former Virginia governor Jim Gilmore, who infamously received 12 votes total in the caucus. A chance at beating Gilmore and not coming in last was the inspiration for Racicot to enter the race, but unfortunately Gilmore was just too strong. In fact, once the caucus results were double-checked, it was confirmed that Racicot garnered precisely one vote—cast by his only Iowa staffer.

For a retrospective on Gov. Racicot’s amazingly uneventful campaign and his decidedly expected suspension, readme has of course turned to Racicot’s press secretary, fundraising team, policy workshop, speechwriter and best friend Greg “Longshot” Whitman:

readme: Well, the Racicot campaign has ended as it started—almost completely unacknowledged. Why do you think you were unable to develop any voter enthusiasm, or build any infrastructure, or, you know, accomplish literally anything?

Greg: I don’t know, man… There’s this anti-establishment sentiment going through the Republican Party this cycle that’s made it nearly impossible for anyone with governing experience to gain traction.

readme: While that may be true, that doesn’t explain how Gov. Racicot ended up getting literally one vote, and from someone on his payroll to boot. There wasn’t anything you or the governor could do?

Greg: Nope, nothing. We ran the best campaign we could given the times. I have no regrets.

readme: Why didn’t you hire anyone? Why didn’t you hold events? Why—

Greg: Look. LOOK. I DID NOTHING WRONG. GOVERNOR RACICOT DID NOTHING WRONG. WE JUST RAN AT AN UNFORTUNATE TIME. EVERYTHING IS FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE. EVERYTHING IS F-F-

Ed. note: At this point, Mr. Whitman began sobbing uncontrollably and, in a relatively lucid moment, asked for the interview to be ended.

At press time, the Wikipedia entry on Gov. Racicot’s 2016 run was doubled in size to two lines of text.

Trump, Cruz Split Iowa Win in Heartwarming Gesture

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Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

Realizing that their friendship was far more important than winning the primary, Republican presidential frontrunners (prolonged sigh) Donald Trump and (sharp noise of disgust) Sen. Ted Cruz announced in a joint press conference late Monday night that they planned to share first place in the Iowa caucus.

The candidates, finding that competing for Iowa had jeopardized their long held rapport, came to the conclusion that neither Iowa’s 30 delegates, nor the free positive media coverage that came from a first-place finish in Iowa, nor even the sense of inevitability that an Iowa victory engenders, was worth such an outcome.

According to staff from both campaigns, the decision to share the victory was made on a whim by Sen. Cruz at around 10 PM on the night of the caucus. Votes were just beginning to be counted, and all indicators showed that the race could go either way. Cruz had begun work on his victory speech, but the more that he wrote the less emotionally fulfilled he felt. Sources have confirmed that at this point a single tear rolled down Cruz’s face as he realized what he had thrown away to reach for this prize.

Tears now streaming down his face, Cruz personally called Donald Trump’s campaign headquarters and, stammering and hyperventilating, asked to talk to “the man [he’d] spent so many happy hours with.” When Cruz was then redirected to Trump and told him how he truly felt, Trump too burst into tears and agreed right then and there that this rift between them had to be mended.

The two old friends and their campaigns hastily organized a joint event at which they would announce that, no matter what the final result turned out to be, they would split credit for winning Iowa and, consequently, all the positive coverage that would ensue. This event was greeted with high praise by both the media and the general public, who, to quote one bystander, were “just happy to see these guys together again.”

Even representatives from rival campaigns had nothing but good things to say about this development. One of Ben Carson’s staffers present at the press conference said that when Trump and Cruz made their announcement it “just about melted my heart” and that “you know, this gives me hope that American politics can rise above the nastiness it’s been stuck in for the last 230 years.”

At press time, Sen. Marco Rubio had pulled a massive upset victory in Iowa after voters realized that both Trump and Cruz were completely unelectable.

O’Malley Advocates Anarchism in Bid for Media Attention

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Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

In a move that surprised voters and pundits alike, Democratic candidate Martin O’Malley outlined a new, anarchy-based platform at a stump speech last Saturday.

Languishing at low single digits in the polls and viewed largely as a nonfactor in the primary, the former mayor of Baltimore and Governor of Maryland decided the best way to capture voter interest and create buzz around his candidacy was to call for the complete dissolution of the United States governmental apparatus, to be replaced with a completely non-hierarchical system in which the individual is given full freedom to follow their will. To a sea of confused frowns and occasional scattered applause, he opened the speech with a ten-minute tirade on the evils of government and the merits of free association.

In one of his most noted lines of the appearance, O’Malley capped off his speech by saying that “unlike Secretary Clinton, who would tell you that the State is necessary to maintain order and stability, I believe that we will only achieve true greatness when the State’s parasitic hold on us has been broken. Please look at my platform at martinomalley.com/whyihatethestate and donate to my campaign. No, seriously, I desperately need your money. Have you seen how much Hillary and Bernie have been getting? I have, like, a fiftieth of that…Even less, if you count Super PAC money. Please, please donate”.

In an appearance on Meet the Press the next day, O’Malley’s campaign adviser Dave Hamrick reflected on his team’s decision to eschew the traditional Democratic platform of large-scale government intervention in favor of a call for no government whatsoever:

“We realized that O’Malley was stuck in the middle between the pragmatic liberalism of Hillary Clinton and the fiery progressivism of Bernie Sanders. Initially, we tried to push his credentials as someone who had actual governing experience and a reasonably solid record of liberal leadership, but that was getting us nowhere fast. But then one day, I was reading yet another article about the new crazy thing Trump or Carson or Huckabee had said and I just sort of realized that the only way we were going to get any coverage was by going completely off the rails. Since then…well, it’s been a wild ride”.

Hamrick then reportedly got out a can of black spray-paint, tagged an A in a circle on the camera recording the segment and ran out of the room.

It has not yet become clear whether O’Malley’s new strategy has been paying off, but search interest for his campaign has been through the roof since the speech and he has received the endorsement of more than a dozen people who shout at pedestrians in major cities. The campaign has indicated that, in reaction to the positive response, they plan to have O’Malley become a Rastafarian as soon as next week.

Hillary Clinton is “Just Like You”

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Kwanpo Cheng, Youth Correspondent

With the Democratic nomination in sight, Senator Hillary Clinton has redoubled her efforts to portray herself as the most viable, humane candidate for the upcoming presidency. She will have to win the initial primary against major competitor, Senator Bernie Sanders, and all the other candidates we have already forgotten.

“Major campaign efforts went into creating a large presence on the ‘Internet,’” Senator Clinton said in a recent interview. “It’s a strange contraption Al Gore invented, and all the youths have been on and I recognized the need for me and my image to also be with those youth on the internet. I am on the Twitters, Instagrammy, and basically any other website you can imagine. If you use it, I will be there, providing updates about my life that you did not realize you needed. Please vote for me,” she added in a low whisper.

Senator Clinton is also just like us. Sometimes, voters forget that she is a senator at all. When several supporters were asked about their views on the candidate, they responded they initially believed she was a young, hip, fun, hilarious, meme-wielding woman. One supporter said he really related to how Senator Clinton lifts thirty pounds on a daily basis, while occasionally pigging out on thirty pints of chocolate mint ice cream at home. “I don’t really care what her stance is as long as she thinks Chandler is the best of them all.”

Most recently, the Benghazi hearing has been nothing but a strong boost to her mirror image. When asked if her use of a private email server exposed classified information, she responded, “I love Gmail. It is the best email service, much better than Yahoo!” When the committee looked bewildered, she added, “I also helped New York rebuild after the 9/11 attacks,” and was met with thunderous applause.

Her latest efforts to identify with voters include a 30-day binge at Chipotle, which she believes everyone has done, but doesn’t admit it.

Even More Obscure GOP Gov Joins Primary Race

Ever seen this guy before? Nope, didn’t think so. You from Montana, put your hand down.

Ever seen this guy before? Nope, didn’t think so. You from Montana, put your hand down.

Former Montana governor Marc Racicot announced his surprise entry into the Republican primary this morning. The governor of Montana from 1993 to 2001, Racicot made a name for himself in pretty much no way whatsoever. Racicot is anti-tax, pro-life, opposed to the Iran nuclear deal, supportive of an aggressive foreign policy, and strongly critical of the Obama Administration, a policy profile so similar to that of pretty much every other candidate running that it’s almost not worth mentioning. Even though the race already has a historic number of candidates competing for the nomination—Racicot’s entrance brings the total up to 18—Racicot’s press secretary (also his fundraising team, his policy workshop, his speechwriter, and his best friend Greg) assured our political correspondent that he has a realistic shot at the nomination.

readme: So, why did Gov. Racicot decide to enter the race?

Greg: Well, he saw how well [former New York Gov. George] Pataki and [former Virginia Gov. Jim] Gilmore were doing and thought, “Hey, I’m at least as much of a Republican governor who hasn’t held office for 15 years as these guys, I may as well take a crack at it too!”

readme: Is Gov. Racicot aware of the fact that Pataki and Gilmore are both polling under one percent?

Greg: I’ll admit that their polling leads may seem insurmountable right now, but we’re confident that once our operations really get into gear we’ll surpass them in no time.

readme: How is Gov. Racicot planning to fund his campaign?

Greg: With his personal Super-PAC funded almost exclusively by one super-wealthy business magnate, obviously. Is this even a question?

readme: Last question. How is Gov. Racicot going to take on the Trump Train?

Greg: Well, Marc’s going to physically destroy his cell phone in a variety of amusing ways. That worked out pretty well for Lindsey Graham, and it’ll work for us too.

Eds. note: Graham is currently polling 15th.

readme: Thank you for your time, and good luck. Seriously man, good, great, amazing, one-in-a-million, getting-struck-by-lightning-while-holding-a-winning-lottery-ticket luck.

Gov. Racicot plans to hold his first campaign event in Helena, Montana’s capital, where a crowd of nearly double-digits is expected. It remains to be seen whether he can parlay his complete lack of name recognition into dropping out of the race in March instead of December.