President Probably Still Doing Stuff, We Guess

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Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

Multiple sources have recently confirmed that, despite the sum total of American political energy being devoted to the primary elections, President Obama is most likely still doing things that are probably important.

As the Republican candidates are savaging each other to claim the honor of being the most blitheringly conservative and Clinton and Sanders are in a fierce battle for the nation’s college students and former Wall Street occupiers, Obama has definitely vetoed some bill or signed some executive order about coal or gotten sued or something.

He’s had to. Right? He’s the President! Presidents make momentous decisions on pretty much a daily basis. There’s probably some foreign policy thing he did in the Middle East or China or Papua New Guinea or wherever that your political correspondent is just forgetting about for some reason.

Wait, wasn’t he thinking about conducting bombing raids in Libya? Your correspondent thought he saw Libya in the news the other day…

Eh, probably not. If that had happened, we would have heard the candidates respond to it by now. Especially Trump. He would have been all “Obama is such a loser! All he’s doing is bombing Libya, which is something a loser would do. Why isn’t he sending troops? When I’m president, we’ll be sending so many troops into Libya! I will build a wall around Libya and make ISIS pay for it! We’ll win Libya so hard instead of losing it, like we’re doing now.”

Classic Trump.

One source has even claimed that there’s “this whole Supreme Court nomination thing he’s gotta deal with now” that is “actually really significant.” This assertion seems to have some basis in fact, seeing as the death of Justice Scalia has provided an opportunity for Obama to nominate a liberal replacement. However, the weight of probability suggests that no nominee will be confirmed by the Republican-controlled Senate until, you guessed it, after the 2016 election. So that’s a bit of a moot point anyhow.

In conclusion, your political correspondent can semi-confidently state that Obama has taken one or more actions in the last six months.

At press time, President Obama was still a former political nobody unexpectedly elected to be the single most powerful person in the world.

List: Topical Halloween Costumes

sexy prez

• Bottle of ointment
• Assigned group partner
• Existential dread
• Blood-soaked past presidents
• Stress
• Palm tree
• Surfer dude
• Parro- oh, I thought you said tropical
• Construction worker
• Sexy bottle of ointment
• Sexy assigned group partner
• Sexy existential dread
• Sexy blood-soaked past presidents
• Sexy stress
• Sexy palm tree/parrot/surfer dude/etc.
• Sexy construction worker
• Unsexy assigned group partner

The president shouldn’t be…

Ben Carson recently said the president shouldn’t be a Muslim, because Islam isn’t consistent with the Constitution. readme asks, what else shouldn’t the president be?

• A baby

• Aware of their surroundings

• Cruel to a heart that’s true

• A fascist, communist Kenyan who hates America

• Honest

• Someone who has ever uttered “Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan”

• A dog wearing a hat

• Donald Trump

• British

• A Zoroastrian (someone needs to take them down a peg)

• Alexis Tsipras

• Three ducks in a person costume

• Three people in a duck costume

• A member of team rocket

• Someone who’s heart isn’t in the work

• A Dalek

• A Mudblood

• Afraid of the dark

• Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

• Zombie Hitler

• Self-aware

• Not a member of readme

• A vampire hunter

• Ben Carson

Is it 2016 Yet?

Ted Cruz, president. The idea itself sends shivers down many a spine. Probably because it’s a Hispanic name and therefore associated with illegal immigrants, stolen jobs, and drugs, but that can be overcome. Besides, he was born in Canada, so he can’t be that bad–wait, what? He was born in Canada? And he admits it? Oh, but he’s still a natural born citizen. Sure. Okay. If you say so. As long as he as a birth certificate and isn’t black.

Cruz is likely the bravest, most patriotic man in the country this week. He had the courage to come out and tell us all what everyone was already thinking. Many others have been dilly-dallying, wishy-washing, and in general just namby-pambies, but finally we have a straight-talking, down-to-earth guy who can really open up about his feelings.

And my, what strong feelings those are. Liberty! Liberty for all! Let freedom ring! Freedom for women to surrender their bodies to the state. Freedom for minorities to be disproportionately arrested and shot. Freedom from believing in silly little things like climate change and evolution. Freedom to be required to attend campaign speeches, like the students at Liberty University, where Cruz gave his touching speech. And of course, freedom to wear shirts supporting Rand Paul (a Cruz opponent) at the aforementioned speech.

In addition to such varied liberties, Cruz argued for a repeal of most of the government. A return to the Constitution in its purest form, where blacks count as 3/5ths of a person. Okay, he didn’t specifically mention that part of the Constitution.

When readme went to check out Cruz’s campaign online, they were surprised to see that the website tedcruz.com is actually in support of both Obama and immigration reform. While Cruz does support immigration reform, encouraging us to “imagine a president that finally, finally, finally secures the borders,” and a legal system that celebrates those who come here for the American dream, he doesn’t seem to be such a fan of Obama. Because of course, Obama’s a communist Muslim eco-fanatic. readme finally made it over to tedcruz.org, which seemed to be more in line with the whole “Liberty!” thing. However, the occasional link to nigerian-prince.com made readme wonder if the whole thing wasn’t a scam.

Anyways, Cruz is so brave for telling us that he’s ready to make a big fuss until he gets a poor showing in the first (of 50) primaries, in which case he’ll promptly shut up and drop out like they always do. It takes so much courage to re-affirm broad, sweeping generalizations to a captive audience of college kids. We at readme wish him the best of luck on his journey.