Florida Man Strikes Again

Florida man, 69-year-old John Benedict was discovered impersonating a police officer after he pulled over two real detectives earlier this week. As it turns out, you should try to avoid the people you’re impersonating if you don’t want to get caught.

An interview with the Benedict’s sister, a Ms. Margaret Cumberbatch, proved useful—it turns out that Benedict as a child had possessed the common superpower of closing one’s eyes to disappear. Young Benedict had attempted many a cookie theft with this ability, failing only due to his inability to see with his eyes closed.

“Our mother always enabled him,” Cumberbatch let on. readme was perplexed. Perhaps she meant their mother tried to enable the theft? “No,” she said, strangely frustrated. “She played along and pretended she couldn’t see him.” readme quickly ended the interview.

Benedict had previously helped out local police by directing traffic during crashes. readme salutes his dedicated service. Florida Man is the hero Florida deserves but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he’s not a hero, he’s a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight. Florida police are looking into the possibility that Benedict had an accomplice in his impersonation. Eyewitness accounts describe the potential accomplice as a dapper ursine individual, who was surprisingly sexy and who the Tartan should totally hook up with. Their words. Not readme’s.

In unrelated news, readme editors have had to cancel their Carnival plans.

readme CLASSIFIED ADS

FOR SALE

2 Police Uniforms 2 Police Costumes

Sizes: Adult Medium and Bear Large

Never been worn, especially not to impersonate the police.

Contact: 412-555-RATS

Police Body Cameras Fail to Capture Certain Issues

Policepersons across the United States will soon be required to wear body cameras while responding to incidents. Groups everywhere, from the A.C.L.U. to the Justice Department, are excited about the new procedures, as they will increase accountability and ensure clear evidence of incident response. Unfortunately, agreeing on how amazing something is is boring, so readme went out to find the unspoken downsides. It turns out that the downsides are unspoken for a reason; very few people speak them. But readme found some nonetheless!

“I’ve been watching shaky, personal recordings of citizens yelling about their rights to cops for years,” said one neckbearded respondent. “I just can’t handle high-quality, voluntary, publicly available recordings made by cops. It doesn’t make sense.” And newly hired data processor Colin Sick has been stressed since he began work. “It’s hours upon hours of cars passing. Sometimes I see the numbers in my sleep, neverending: 60, 61, 60, 60, 56, 60, 62…” Mr. Sick then went into a trance. readme took the chance to remove cash from his wallet and then run away.

There are potential upsides, however. Google has been working with Pittsburgh police to try to add Glass support to the “above-ear” camera models. Engineer Al Jabra explained: “Imagine you’re in a high-speed chase. With a mere ‘Okay, Glass,’ you would be able to find nearby gas stations or restaurants the suspect might want to stop at. Alternatively, you could tell stop-and-frisk victims interesting facts about their surroundings.”

One policewoman was incredibly enthusiastic about the change. “I’ve decided to go for full immersion,” said Patty O’Wagon. “I’m taking film classes at a local college and have decided to make my experience my final project, titled ‘8760 Hours.’ It’ll be available online, uncensored; I felt that detraction from real life through editing would risk the audience’s comprehension.” The film has been pre-emptively entered into the Museum of Modern Art’s permanent collection.

But no matter how beneficial these cameras may be, one downside will never be removed: their lens caps. “The $@%# things won’t come off!” said Chief Paine Suffring. “We’ve tried duct tape, elbow grease, knee grease, and those rubber circle things you get at supermarkets.” Hopefully manufacturers will address this potentially devastating issue before the body cameras are used by policepersons across the United States. Oh, that’s already happening? Oops.

White Guy Gives Opinion on Ferguson, Police

Because he's probably not biased or anything.

Because he’s probably not biased or anything.

It is hard to ignore the increasing number of black people being assaulted, injured, and even killed by white police officers. Between internet awareness campaigns, an increase of violence being caught on cell phones, and highly public cases such as the Ferguson protests, it’s almost impossible to find someone who hasn’t heard of what’s going on. Almost.

 

“Now that you mention it,” said the wealthy white male who waylaid readme on the way to the AB offices, claiming he absolutely had to talk with it about this issue, “I have been seeing them in the news recently, all the marching and looting and things. Just terrible. I’m not entirely sure what it’s all about, though.”

 

After being informed about the death of Michael Brown (an 18-year-old black male, unarmed, who got into a confrontation with a white police officer and was shot six times) in Ferguson, Missouri, and the death of Eric Garner (a 43-year-old black male, who was suspected of selling illegal cigarettes and died after being put into a chokehold by a white police officer, despite being heard to say “I can’t breathe”), in New York, our source mentioned that they could have guessed it was something like that.

 

“I thought maybe they were reruns of the Trayvon Martin business,” said the anonymous white man, “There are just too many black folk getting themselves killed these days. You’d think people would have gotten used to it by now.”

 

“I mean, hell,” he added, “black people mug white people all the time, and no one gets riled up over that.” Except that people do, actually? It’s just not on the same scale because a random mugging doesn’t represent a systemic bias on the part of the people responsible for our very safety? When readme pointed this out, the man replied, “No, I saw it on Fox News and everything. They don’t give a shit. Fox & Friends wouldn’t get something like that wrong.” Also, good to know our police officers, whose job description is to protect and serve, are only supposed to be held to the same standards as muggers.

 

But our interviewee asserted that he didn’t see the police behavior as an issue. “I don’t see why there have been so many problems,” he said. “I mean, I’ve only been stopped once by the police, and then I just stood up out of the car and lifted my shirt to show them my concealed carry. It turned out I knew the guy, and we had donuts together after he reminded me to fix my taillight. Why can’t black people just do that?”

 

Upon hearing that the source had a concealed carry, readme suddenly realized that maybe he wasn’t just happy to see it, and that now would be a good time to make a discreet retreat.

Dil-Don’t in Texas

dildont

In early 2012, the sale of Dildos was made illegal again after it was temporarily legalized in 2008. The law also specifically noted that own more than six dildos at a time was considered to be “patently offensive.”, and awkwardly tiptoed around the word itself, instead hedging, “ device[s] designed and marketed as useful primarily for stimulation of the human genital organs.”

 

The law also bans the sale of dildos:

§ 43.23. OBSCENITY. (a) A person commits an offense if, knowing its content and character, he wholesale promotes or possesses with intent to wholesale promote any obscene material or obscene device.

 

This led to a rather uncomfortable situation this past weekend when police officers were called to the home of Will and Fanny Seaman after hearing “sharp, piercing screams” coming from the suburban home in Houston. The excited screams provided the police officers probable cause for entry, though they did not actually call out to the residents before entering.

 

Upon entering the house, the officers followed the sounds to the bedroom at the back of the house. There they found Mr. and Mrs. Seaman having rather noisy sex while making use of two of their dildos. Upon inspecting the room despite being told vacate the premises by the couple, the officers discovered a massive collection of dildos and other sex toys.  The two officers were forced under Texas law to confiscate the large collection, which mostly filled the walk-in closet of their spacious two-bedroom home. 

 

When asked why they confiscated the toys, one officer reported that it was his duty, and that, really, women shouldn’t need dildos to satisfy them when they have men. It’s not Godly.

 

In response to the question of what would be done with the dildos now that they mostly filled up a police cruiser, the other officer said that they had considered selling them for charity, but it was illegal to sell them. They also thought about melting down the plastic for condoms for use in the safe-sex program at the Texas public schools, but then they remembered there was no safe-sex program. Eventually they agreed that the dildos would have to be reclassified as weapons, and would be used as night-sticks by the Houston police in their efforts to discourage other lewd behavior such as enjoying sex.