Freshman Sent into Despair over Looming Research Paper

sad male student lonely looking out the windowby Cam Wong, Hardest Class OMG Correspondent

A student was found near-comatose and spouting gibberish on the steps of Porter Hall earlier this week. When revived and questioned by student health services, the student’s only response was “sources… more sources…” followed by broken sobbing and incoherent screaming. This continued for several minutes, as the student became more and more agitated until caretakers were able to provide citations to several contemporary research articles on the effect of social media on the Dakota Access Pipeline.

Witnesses claim that the victim seemed to enter a state of blind panic upon seeing a political rally sign while entering the Gates-Hillman Center, causing them to begin hyperventilating before rushing out into the night and being found outside by campus police. The student, who has elected to remain anonymous, has been confined to their dorm room with minimal access to any social media that might trigger another attack.

Investigators say this is only the most recent of many such incidents relating to a as-of-yet unknown cause, currently labeled as “76-101”. Incidents range from outbursts in dorm rooms to sudden unexplained nausea attacks while in class to, in dire cases, collapses between classes. The precise cause can vary from incident to incident. One student reported a sudden feeling of dread (much like a heart attack) when overhearing a bystander mention the word “eleven” while discussing a math problem.

Campus reports show that these attacks are not just limited to freshmen, but can in rare cases cause significant distress in sophomores as well. First-responders and student health officials urge campus residents to be aware of the dangers, and to report any case of 76-101 they may encounter.

Students Give Up All Hope

Apratim Vidyarthi, Sleep-Deprived Correspon… zzz…

The Walking Dead has decided that CMU is the perfect place to simulate an atmosphere of desolate madness with sleepless zombies, our sources in Hollywood report. Ernest Dickerson, one of the directors of the Walking Dead, visited campus and noted that students seem to have given up, given their inhuman standards of hygiene and nutrition. Dickerson said that students seem to “be emotionally distant, with their brains in far away places. These poor children look just like the sleepless, emotionally hollow zombies that Walking Dead aspires to portray in every episode.”

One student on campus said, “this is perfect. Wait… what is the Walking Dead? I don’t get out very much.” Professors on campus seem to relish providing more work to their students, maintaining that buildings like “Gates and Wean will feel empty without the near lifeless bodies of students littered in study halls. It just won’t feel like good old CMU.”

Despite this hopelessness and sleeplessness, CMU was recently ranked number 27 in work-hard-play-hard schools in the U.S., prompting many in the student body to wonder who plays hard, and to ponder on what they missed while they were deep inside the basement of a laboratory, coding for hours.

Analysts — and believe us, we have a lot of analysts — at readme have suggested that this sleeplessness and desolation on CMU’s campus could be the perfect moment for a robot uprising from the robotics department. No word from the robotics department — most of the students in that department fear human contact.

We wish you the best of luck in surviving the next few weeks.

Things to do On-Campus over Thanksgiving

Some students have the luxury of going home over Thanksgiving break, while others might have an invitation to a friend or professor’s house. However, there will always be those who take the solitary road, and spend the weekend alone in their dorm rooms. Here are some suggestions of fun activities you can do while your classmates eat homecooked meals and relax.

• Eat an entire chicken-in-a-can

• Study harder

• Study Hard 3: A Good Day to Study Hard

• Make a giant mess in the dorm kitchen and then not clean it up

• Clean up the mysterious mess in the dorm kitchen

• Capitalize on the spike in thank rates. Hoard all the thanks you can get over break, and then resell them in December at a higher price

• Make sure your gift blankets are free from any foreign diseases

• Find a professor who dresses up in a turkey costume (they exist) and dress up with them

• Thank your friends for sticking with you through this hard and lonely time- Uh, hello? Anyone there?

• Be thankful for Black Friday

• Sleep. The entire time. Not like you’re going to get any sleep when classes are in session, right?

• On second thought, what kind of CMU student doesn’t have homework to do over Thanksgiving break? You ain’t got no time for sleep, buddy

Reaching a New Slow: Student Breaks Typing Speed World Record

Charles Li, 1910 Horse Race Announcer

Breaking news!  Just this weekend, a CMU student managed to break the world record for slowest typing speed!  This historic event took place late at night on November 1st, or more accurately, on November 2nd at 3 in the morning.

Ironically, the attempt was originally for the fastest typing speed.  The task was simple.  Fill in a 1000 word quota in just 1 hour!  The strategy, to type everything that came to mind.  However, due to interference with outside factors, and the very fact that nothing came to mind, nothing at all, the student unknowingly managed a typing speed that broke the world record!  Amazing!

In 4 hours, lasting from 11PM on the 1st to 3AM on the 2nd, the student only wrote 60 words!  We asked our scientists, and that is a dastardly slow 0.25 words per minute.  For those of you who are not math-heads, that’s a quarter of a word every minute!   At this rate, it would take exactly 2.7 full days to complete the quota.  What a marvel!

This kind of slowness challenges even the cheetah.  As we know, the cheetah is one of the slowest creatures in the animal kingdom, in terms of typing speed.  This is all due to their specially developed brain and muscle structure, which prevents them from typing any coherent words.

We managed to get ahold of the famed writer today, in his dorm.  However, we couldn’t get much info out of the athlete.  Apparently, people passed out on the ground with their system saturated with junk foods are not very keen to talk.  Not to worry, the student has recovered, and we were assured that every CMU student goes through this phase some time in their career.  In fact, they look like this every Thursday night.

Keep your eyes on the calendar folks, because the student will be making another attempt this Thursday!  This time, the stakes have been raised.  It’s the final draft, and the student will most likely be racing against the clock once again.  It will have to be an actual clock, because their internal clock is set to another time zone.  This time: 940 words in an hour!  Will he succeed?  Or will he fail, leading to another inadvertent success in breaking the slowest typing speed?  Dramatic cliffhanger!

Better Names for ‘Midterms’

  • Mid-months
  • Mid-weeks
  • Mid-some-indeterminate-amount-of-time-that-is-certainly-not-a-full-term
  • Wednesdays
  • Also Tuesdays
  • And you know what, sometimes Thursdays
  • Regular tests
  • Almost-third-terms
  • Five-seventeenth-terms
  • Point-two-nine-four-one-terms
  • Finals Jr.
  • The death of your free time
  • Impending caffeine addiction
  • Impending caffeine relapse
  • Time to befriend the smart kid
  • The reason you fill out that drop form
  • The reason you fill out that tranfser app
  • One-third of your grade
  • ‘Fuck, I have to wake up today’
  • ‘Wait, I’m doing WHAT today?!?!’