Obama Takes Stance, Republicans Object

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We’ve covered this topic before, as have many of those worthy to be considered our peers: Stephen Colbert, the Onion, Jon Stewart, Clickhole, and John Oliver, to name a few. Just recently, Obama decided to weigh in on the issue. However, the debate still felt like it was missing something. Thankfully, Senator Ted Cruz was there to provide us with yet another gem of political wisdom, from the usual source of political wisdom these days: Twitter.

“Net Neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet. The Internet should not operate at the speed of government,” he tweeted, presumably following them up with hashtags like #obamacaresucks and #someonepleasepayattentiontome. Numerous commentators tried to explain to Cruz that net neutrality is actually not like Obamacare, but maybe what Cruz meant was that the two are similar in that Obama cares about both.

Cruz’s spokeswoman issued a follow up tweet to clarify their position: “Net neutrality puts gov’t in charge of determining pricing, terms of service, and what products can be delivered. Sound like Obamacare much?” If by that she means that the government determines that prices have to be fair, terms of service can’t be tilted in anyone’s favor, and that the products have to be genuine, yeah, it does vaguely sound like Obamacare. Also like a thing we kind of need.

Because seriously, these are cable companies we’re talking about here. Remember what happened a while back between Netflix and Comcast. Under the current, non-net-neutral rules, Comcast gets to charge content providers like Netflix for being on the Internet. But during negotiations, a strange thing happened. Comcast users began to notice Netflix videos took an unusually long time to load. This slow-down only happened to customers using Comcast, and only when they were watching Netflix. Completely by coincidence, readme is sure. And when Netflix agreed to Comcast’s prices, loading speeds returned to normal. Also probably a complete coincidence.

Such shakedowns would be banned under net neutrality. readme would explain to you why, except that net neutrality is so damn boring readme fell asleep trying to explakfghdvzfuhs. Sorry about that, readme just fell asleep on its keyboard while trying to explain how it couldn’t explain net neutrality. That’s how boring it is.

Internet providers want to convince us that net neutrality is a bad thing, and comparing it to Obamacare is an easy way to do that. But as we saw with Netflix, if net neutrality is like Obamacare, companies like Comcast are like that one douchebaggy insurance guy from the Incredibles who got thrown through a wall.

Knowing all this, readme almost wanted to think that Cruz was actually in support of both Obamacare and net neutrality, and this was just his way of showing it. Unfortunately, this is probably not the case. Cruz is of the top contenders for the Republican presidential race in 2016, which basically means he’s been putting forth a lot of presidential-sounding platforms and paying a lot of attention to Iowa (they vote first, which makes them just the best).
Along with the other 32 candidates the GOP is eyeing (March Madness will now be death-matches between aging white men, get your fantasy teams ready!), Cruz appears to be strengthening his supporter base by negating anything Obama says. It wasn’t until Obama officially came out in support of net neutrality that Cruz came out against it. Voters like that shit. Our current president may be on the way out, but it seems like his motto is going to stick around. Only this time it’s the Republicans who are crying for “Change!”

Well, It’s About Time

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Fans of the long-running daytime soap ‘Politics’ were no doubt glued to their television last night. In this thrilling episode, ‘Politics’ made the controversial move to bring back to the show Uncle Unlimited Campaign Donations, finally rescued after his gold-plated helicopter crashed on the remote island of Fiscal Oversight in the season premiere.

Of course, what viewers have really been talking about is the long-awaited culmination of the will-they-won’t-they romance between the GOP and the Affordable Care Act, with the GOP proposing a reasonable amendment to the Act’s legislation in a tender scene. The two’s romance has been fraught with challenge since the start. Ever since the Affordable Care Act disappeared under mysterious circumstances and then resurfaced, having changed its name from Romneycare to Obamacare, the GOP had been frosty to its former flame. It insisted that all it wanted to do was prevent the Affordable Care Act from being implemented, but viewers could see the undeniable chemistry between the two.

“They were trying to be subtle about it,” said one fan of the show, “but I mean, hello, it was obvious from day one the GOP just wanted to get in Obamacare’s pages.”

“You could tell the GOP didn’t want to admit it liked Obamacare,” a blogger writes about the pairing. “But it couldn’t deny how useful the plan would be to those uninsured. And I think there was something taboo about the fact that it was a Democratic bill that really drew the GOP in.”

Of course, the episode ended with no official word on the state of the GOP/Obamacare ship (GObamacare, its fans call it), with the GOP insisting that it was only amending Obamacare to help its friend Small Business Owners, and that as soon as Obama is out of the White House the GOP will go back to trying to get Obamacare repealed. But fans aren’t buying it.

“The GOP has to say that,” one remarked. “They’re still too early on in the relationship to admit they love each other. I bet they’re saving that for the season finale.”

List: Things Politicians Have Compared Other Things To

 

Obamacare has been compared to slavery

Women have been compared to farm animals

The Tea Party has been compared to the KKK

The Tea Party to terrorists

Obama to Hitler, of course

Obamacare to the Titanic

Obamacare to Star Wars

Abortion to the Holocaust

Abortion to slavery

Gay marriage to polygamy

Gay marriage to paganism

Gay marriage to incest

Gay marriage to 9/11

Republicans compared their fight to keep the government shut down to the Civil War…with them as the Confederates

NCAA to the mafia

Iran deal to appeasement in WW2

Obama having a hard time after art crit

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President Obama had a hard time last Friday after his conceptual piece Here I Am met scathing reviews from peers. He was available to publicly comment the following day.“It didn’t well,” Mr. Obama told readme in the confines of his studio. “I mean, quite a few people said they liked my concept. But that was about it.”

Mr. Obama’s piece was submitted for the White House’s Concept Art studio which meets every Monday and Wednesday, and on Friday for critique sessions. These studio sessions are required of all members of Congress as well as for the President. For years they have been a sanctuary for Democrats and Republicans to explore their personal voices both as politicians and emerging artists. But the recent fuss over Mr. Obama’s work seems a step backward.

So why is the President’s piece so controversial? Here I Am is an installation piece featuring a flight of stairs that leads up to the second story window of the oval office. It is “interactive” – viewers are promised a handshake and mint candy from the President once they reach the top. Which would seem fine, except that the stairs are encrusted in manure and star spangled glitter.

Most viewers report not being able to “get it”, let alone get into the crowded opening. But Mr. Obama’s peers and classmates had different issues altogether. One of his loudest critics, Republican House Speaker John Boehner, called the project “pastiche”. “Here I Am obviously tries to reference M.C. Escher’s Relativity in a more sophisticated and modernized context. But it just comes across as another campy version of the Relativity. Obama hasn’t given his piece a relevant enough context for there to be any emotional resonance between the viewer and his piece.”

“See, I don’t get that comment,” Mr. Obama told readme in his studio. “Where’s he getting Relativity from? Here I Am resembles nonsensical staircases in the same way it resembles any other major works or ideas in the last 200 years with stairs. If anything, my work references Romney’s 2006 Here You Are which, by the way, Boehner loved.”

Romney’s infamous Here You Are was a conceptual piece in which viewers were invited to climb into Romney’s campaign bus. The stairs in Romney’s version, however, were covered in tacks. Once at the top, viewers would be smacked with a $500 fine before being booted back down the stairs. Once at the bottom audience members were promptly arrested for trespassing.

“I thought people would appreciate if I marginally improved a horrible experience.” Mr. Obama said, “I mean, Boehner and his crew are really into that whole Sisyphean climb motif. But I wanted something a little more productive, so fuck me, right?”

Senate Counter Proposal Defunds John Boehner’s Stupid Face

Fed up with Republican brinkmanship threatening a shutdown of the federal government, the higher chamber of Congress approved an aggressive budget to counter the House version that would not fund Obamacare. 

The Senate version leaves Obamacare intact but instead defunds the face of Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio). Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) was smug as he announced the passage of the budget to the press.

 “Americans have made it abundantly clear that they do not want to be forced to view the face of Mr. Boehner,” Reid said, intentionally mispronouncing the Speaker of the House’s last name as ‘boner.’ The budget comes in response to the budget passed by the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, which would completely defund Obamacare. 

That budget, which had no chance of passing the Democrat-controlled Senate, came mere days before the Senate and House needed to agree on a budget or face a crippling shutdown of the federal government. “Americans need strong leadership in congress, but instead they have John Boehner’s stupid face,” Reid explained as the justification of the measure. 

“Repeated attempts to repeal his face have failed, so we are trying a different tactic.” As Republicans offered a different measure that would delay Obamacare by a year rather than defunding it, Reid offered a counter proposal to delay Boehner’s stupid face for a year.

House Republicans Strive to Ensure Health of Nation

In what is in no way a disgusting attempt to force a radical agenda through Congress by holding the world economy hostage, House Republicans imposed a new series of demands on Sunday to stave off a default on the nation’s debt. The programme, which House Republicans agreed was the only sensible alternative to a default that would plunge the struggling economy into a new depression and catastrophically impact the national and world economy, included a one-year delay of the healthcare law, a massive tax overhaul, a broad reduction of environmental regulations, and a demand for a constitutional amendment to legally classify President Obama as a “mean socialist Kenyan who is basically just like Stalin”.

In a press conference on Sunday, House Speaker John Boehner addressed concerns about this very good idea that will not backfire in any way imaginable, that does not represent the basest of political points scoring triumphing over the welfare of the nation, and does not represent total Republican inflexibility over the very idea of a Democratic president. “Fundamentally, we intend to ensure the health and prosperity of the nation. The Democrats aren’t allowing us to push through every single point of our agenda and demand that we compromise, so the only other way we can see to secure the nation’s future is to threaten the solvency of the nation and push ourselves headlong towards a major economic catastrophe that would devastate the world economy and force us into decades of unprecedented economic depression.”

Rank-and-file conservatives and libertarians, meanwhile, have lambasted House Republicans for what they perceive as compromising. In a forty-hour press conference, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas exhorted Republicans to demand a total government shutdown as a precondition to avoid a total government shutdown. “The government that governs best is that which governs least, as we have seen from our successes in Afghanistan and Iraq and the thriving society of Somalia,” he remarked in the tedious, pointless speech. “A government shutdown is very much the best way we can achieve a society for the betterment of all– well, all that matter, anyway. We need to free the captains of industry from the regulations and taxes that shackle them to concepts like “social responsibility” and “a clean living environment” and such rubbish.”

At press time, President Obama confirmed that he thought destroying the nation’s and the world’s economy was probably a bad idea.