Obama Still President, Supreme Court Nomination of Merrick Garland Proves

 

Apratim Vidyarthi, Presidential Correspondent

In an event that comes as a surprise to all 24/7 news networks and presidential candidates, the Presidency of the United States is apparently still in the hands of Barack Obama. This “truth” was brought to light when the seemingly-still-President Obama nominated Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. While presidential candidates have proposed plans to revamp the economy and repeal Obamacare, few realize that President Obama still has power over the country.

Sources in the Senate report discombobulation and surprise by Republican senators, whose position on the Supreme Court nomination, a replacement for conservative Antonin Scalia, was that the U.S. needs a President to nominate a Supreme Court Justice. Asked for a comment, House Majority Leader and Turtle-in-Charge Mitch McConnell said “we initially opposed the nomination of a justice because we believed that a President is required, by the Constitution, for a nomination. We thought President Obama was no longer President, but he’s sneaky, holding onto power for the full eight years. We thought that replacing him on the news with Trump and Cruz would oust him from power.”

Many in the country expressed astonishment that Obama had the gall to remain in power and perform duties required by his office in the midst of an election season. Senator, Presidential Candidate, and Canadian Ted Cruz, in an evidence of his Canadian-ness, apologized for getting the facts wrong, and stated that “I opposed the Supreme Court nomination because I thought we needed a president in the White House before we could replace the justice, as stated in the constitution. I clearly know how the constitution works, because I studied it.” Analysts point to the contradiction that if Barack Obama had truly left the White House vacant, Ted Cruz would be there in less than five minutes to move in.

Former President George W. Bush, who went into hiding after leaving the White House, released a statement which mentioned that “I am surprised Barack Obama is keeping the Presidency for all eight years. I did not have enough stamina and left the White House to Cheney after my sixth year… hehehe. Nonetheless, my brother, who was running for president and is a bigger expert on the constitution than Trump—after all, he did help in Florida in 2000—said that Presidents are not allowed to nominate justices in their final year, especially if they are Democrats… hehehe.”

President Obama, who has struggled to get attention in the news because of their coverage of MH-370, the election, and Justin Bieber’s escapades, held a press conference and stated that “I have not moved out of the White House yet. My mailing address is still here! I cannot believe Senators McConnell and Cruz haven’t noticed, but it’s not like they’re in DC most of the time. I nominated a justice, as I think that’s my job, and it’s not like I have anything else to do, other than enjoy the beaches of Cuba.”

President Probably Still Doing Stuff, We Guess

obama_debt_bill_signing_080211_1

Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

Multiple sources have recently confirmed that, despite the sum total of American political energy being devoted to the primary elections, President Obama is most likely still doing things that are probably important.

As the Republican candidates are savaging each other to claim the honor of being the most blitheringly conservative and Clinton and Sanders are in a fierce battle for the nation’s college students and former Wall Street occupiers, Obama has definitely vetoed some bill or signed some executive order about coal or gotten sued or something.

He’s had to. Right? He’s the President! Presidents make momentous decisions on pretty much a daily basis. There’s probably some foreign policy thing he did in the Middle East or China or Papua New Guinea or wherever that your political correspondent is just forgetting about for some reason.

Wait, wasn’t he thinking about conducting bombing raids in Libya? Your correspondent thought he saw Libya in the news the other day…

Eh, probably not. If that had happened, we would have heard the candidates respond to it by now. Especially Trump. He would have been all “Obama is such a loser! All he’s doing is bombing Libya, which is something a loser would do. Why isn’t he sending troops? When I’m president, we’ll be sending so many troops into Libya! I will build a wall around Libya and make ISIS pay for it! We’ll win Libya so hard instead of losing it, like we’re doing now.”

Classic Trump.

One source has even claimed that there’s “this whole Supreme Court nomination thing he’s gotta deal with now” that is “actually really significant.” This assertion seems to have some basis in fact, seeing as the death of Justice Scalia has provided an opportunity for Obama to nominate a liberal replacement. However, the weight of probability suggests that no nominee will be confirmed by the Republican-controlled Senate until, you guessed it, after the 2016 election. So that’s a bit of a moot point anyhow.

In conclusion, your political correspondent can semi-confidently state that Obama has taken one or more actions in the last six months.

At press time, President Obama was still a former political nobody unexpectedly elected to be the single most powerful person in the world.

Coffin Factory Sues NIH Over Life Expectancy

m_id_431424_the_coffin_maker

Empty coffins means this man may be out of work

Spencer Early, Health Correspondent

According to a National Institutes of Health study, human life expectancy has increased from 79 years in 2014 to 82 years in 2015.

“Primarily caused by a high influx of ‘Doc-in-the-boxes’ in places where healthcare was previously not affordable, NIH research and donations have brought much-needed medical facilities to the poorer communities of America,” NIH spokesperson Levin Foreva said. “I try my best to benefit everyone,” said Foreva, “but no matter what I do, it seems like there is some blithering ingrate who undermines my accomplishments.”

That’s right, increased lifespans have stirred up controversy in certain communities. At the Acme Coffin Factory in Ketchum, Idaho, this surging three-year lifespan increase has left a wake of damage to the job security of factory workers. Thirty-year employee Bill Coughton is one such worker losing his job to the progress towards immortality.

In a recent interview, Coughton revealed his utter disgust. “My granny told me, ‘The only things you can count on in this world are death and taxes.’ I really wanted to be a pilot, but for fear of potential unemployment, I instead opted to forego all the pilot training for a humdrum career in the coffin industry. Now I’m getting laid off because of those no-good doctors who keep saving people.”

President Obama has addressed this issue by encouraging Congress to pass a bill that would funnel taxpayer money to annually mass-produce over 95,012 realistic dummies per year. These would be used to fill coffins in the place of actual dead people.

President Obama Reject Keystone XL, Atmospheric CO2 Immediately Disappears

obama_nope

Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

Climate scientists were baffled last week as President Obama’s decision to reject the construction of the Keystone XL pipeline unexpectedly removed all greenhouse gases from Earth’s atmosphere.

Furthermore, analysis conducted at the nation’s power plants and factories confirmed that as a result of this decision, carbon dioxide is no longer a waste product of power generation, manufacturing, or any system involving the burning of fossil fuels, in defiance of our current understanding of chemistry. Environmentalists are celebrating the world over, secure in the knowledge that their years-long effort to prevent the construction of the Alberta-to-Texas pipeline has protected the planet from climate change for the foreseeable future.

Bill McKibben, head of the anti-Keystone XL group 350, released a statement in the wake of this victory:

“When we at 350.org told the nation that keeping the Keystone pipeline from being built was an incredibly important environmental prerogative, people scoffed. Some even said – get this! – that the Keystone fight was mostly symbolic, and that existence or nonexistence of the pipeline would have only a marginal effect on the environment one way or the other.

“Well, now the whole world can see what we’ve known here at 350 for years: canceling the pipeline would instantly solve our global warming crisis. It was that easy! We didn’t have to worry about fuel efficiency, or alternative energy, or even recycling! We just had to prevent Keystone from happening, and bam! Environment fixed!

“Oh, and by the way. If the President had allowed Keystone to go through? We’d all be dead by now, since the atmosphere would have become 100% carbon dioxide in a matter of seconds. Anyway, no need to thank us; we already know that we’re awesome.”

Seeing as President Obama has taken literally any action, there are, of course, dissenting voices. Senate Majority Leader and coal fetishist Mitch McConnell has harshly criticized the President on his decision, saying that by nixing Keystone, Obama has “doomed America’s economy unto a thousand years of torment, where it shall know only sorrow and worryingly high unemployment.”

Republican frontrunner (prolonged sigh) Donald Trump has also criticized the decision in a recent campaign appearance, in between saying something racist about immigrants and inviting an audience member to confirm that his hair is real.

At press time, President Obama pardoned several dozen prisoners convicted of low-level drug offenses, instantly ending America’s problems with mass incarceration and drug abuse.

Don’t Worry, Netanyahu and Obama Still Love Each Other

barack and bibi

Separately addressing a nervous nation, Barack Obama and Benjamin Netanyahu attempted to soothe fears over a widening rift between the United States and Israel.

 

“Now, I just want you to know that we both will always love you, no matter what,” Obama started his speech off. “Even if we go through some rough times, Bibi and I will be here for you.” He then went on to explain that it wasn’t our fault, and that any cracks in the relationship were solely between himself and Netanyahu.

 

Coming in with a similar approach, Israel’s prime minister reassured audiences that this was just a temporary period of struggle, and that when Israel and the US said “until death do us part,” they meant it. “It’s just that Obama seems to want that to happen a little sooner than we’d like,” Netanyahu couldn’t resist jabbing at the president’s stance on Iran.

 

But Netanyahu continued, saying, “even though sometimes it seems like Barack doesn’t care about my emotions and my needs, I know that he’ll come around eventually.” With a trembling lip, Netanyahu wiped away the tears that were welling in his eyes. “Underneath that cold exterior is a warm heart, and a compassionate man who truly loves Israel. He just needs to be given a chance.”

 

Obama agreed, arguing that, “We do have rather different ways of approaching things. For example, where I want to have a cool, measured, rational dialogue to try and solve our problems, Israel just gets so emotional at times. But we will overcome our differences, and come out of this struggle with a deeper understanding and appreciation of each other.”

 

On why the two had decided not to meet, the White House continued to give the same shitty answer that has been used to belittle politicians for centuries: “It’s getting close to Bibi’s time, and things always get a little heated around now. It’s best just to wait until it passes and the cycle starts again.” Pundits also speculated that Netanyahu’s wavering support back home might be related to the situation with the Obama.

Presidents Less Racist than Obama (according to Ben Stein)

Ben Stein, a political commentator and actor in your favorite childhood movies, recently gave an appearance on Fox News calling Obama ‘the most racist president America has ever had’. His reasoning? That Obama insists on bringing race into completely non-race-related events like Ferguson or the shooting of Trayvon Martin. This makes him way more racist than any president ever, without exception.

 

So, for your edification, readme would like to present an abridged list of presidents who are far, far less racist than President Obama, because as we all know calling out racism is the biggest bigotry of them all.

 

George Washington: nicknamed ‘Town-Destroyer’ by Native American tribes for his part in the genocide of their people.

 

Thomas Jefferson: had an affair of dubious consent with one of his hundreds of slaves, only ever freed slaves with significant white ancestry.

 

Andrew Jackson: enacted the forced relocation of thousands of Native Americans that would later be known as the Trail of Tears.

 

Abraham Lincoln: was originally going to keep slavery legal so as not to offend the South, only pursued emancipation once war was already inevitable.

 

William McKinley: an active force in the racial segregation of the government.

 

Teddy Roosevelt: supporter of a eugenics advocate who believed mixed-race families were destroying America.

 

Woodrow Wilson: pushed for bills banning mixed-race marriage.

 

Franklin Roosevelt: enacted legislation preventing poor black families from getting stable home loans, authorized mass internment of Japanese-American citizens.

 

Harry Truman: joined the KKK to help his chances at a local election.

Obama Takes Stance, Republicans Object

incredibles insuranc

We’ve covered this topic before, as have many of those worthy to be considered our peers: Stephen Colbert, the Onion, Jon Stewart, Clickhole, and John Oliver, to name a few. Just recently, Obama decided to weigh in on the issue. However, the debate still felt like it was missing something. Thankfully, Senator Ted Cruz was there to provide us with yet another gem of political wisdom, from the usual source of political wisdom these days: Twitter.

“Net Neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet. The Internet should not operate at the speed of government,” he tweeted, presumably following them up with hashtags like #obamacaresucks and #someonepleasepayattentiontome. Numerous commentators tried to explain to Cruz that net neutrality is actually not like Obamacare, but maybe what Cruz meant was that the two are similar in that Obama cares about both.

Cruz’s spokeswoman issued a follow up tweet to clarify their position: “Net neutrality puts gov’t in charge of determining pricing, terms of service, and what products can be delivered. Sound like Obamacare much?” If by that she means that the government determines that prices have to be fair, terms of service can’t be tilted in anyone’s favor, and that the products have to be genuine, yeah, it does vaguely sound like Obamacare. Also like a thing we kind of need.

Because seriously, these are cable companies we’re talking about here. Remember what happened a while back between Netflix and Comcast. Under the current, non-net-neutral rules, Comcast gets to charge content providers like Netflix for being on the Internet. But during negotiations, a strange thing happened. Comcast users began to notice Netflix videos took an unusually long time to load. This slow-down only happened to customers using Comcast, and only when they were watching Netflix. Completely by coincidence, readme is sure. And when Netflix agreed to Comcast’s prices, loading speeds returned to normal. Also probably a complete coincidence.

Such shakedowns would be banned under net neutrality. readme would explain to you why, except that net neutrality is so damn boring readme fell asleep trying to explakfghdvzfuhs. Sorry about that, readme just fell asleep on its keyboard while trying to explain how it couldn’t explain net neutrality. That’s how boring it is.

Internet providers want to convince us that net neutrality is a bad thing, and comparing it to Obamacare is an easy way to do that. But as we saw with Netflix, if net neutrality is like Obamacare, companies like Comcast are like that one douchebaggy insurance guy from the Incredibles who got thrown through a wall.

Knowing all this, readme almost wanted to think that Cruz was actually in support of both Obamacare and net neutrality, and this was just his way of showing it. Unfortunately, this is probably not the case. Cruz is of the top contenders for the Republican presidential race in 2016, which basically means he’s been putting forth a lot of presidential-sounding platforms and paying a lot of attention to Iowa (they vote first, which makes them just the best).
Along with the other 32 candidates the GOP is eyeing (March Madness will now be death-matches between aging white men, get your fantasy teams ready!), Cruz appears to be strengthening his supporter base by negating anything Obama says. It wasn’t until Obama officially came out in support of net neutrality that Cruz came out against it. Voters like that shit. Our current president may be on the way out, but it seems like his motto is going to stick around. Only this time it’s the Republicans who are crying for “Change!”

Obama Not Antichrist, Only Lower Order Demon

New studies have shown that despite Carl Gallup’s extensive research on the subject, President Obama is not, in fact, the antichrist. The crack team of investigators, which included the Pope, Joel Olsteen, and a rebellious rabbi from “The Passion of the Christ”, walked into a bar last week to review Gallup’s findings. There, they took it upon themselves to once and for all decide the President’s demonic status.

The question of President Obama’s demonic alliances was brought up only quite recently – directly after the President unveiled his health care plan. Religious leaders noted with worry that the Affordable Care Act was plagued from the get-go by various technical issues, a sure sign of demonic infestation. Joel Olsteen had himself experienced similar demon-technology interaction last year when he was unable to get the family copy of Internet Explorer to stop sending him raunchy Pop-Up Ads, despite the free Ad Blocking and Anti Virus Softwares he had downloaded onto his computer. He and his family were forced to move into a hotel for a couple of weeks while the exorcism took place.

Our Heavenly Task Force directly suspected Obama of being possessed after a covert exorcism was carried out on the Health Care Plan’s website just days ago. Though no official details or documents of the even have been revealed, the religious leaders were seen exiting the server room visibly shaken. It was apparent at the very least that the customary tactic of sprinkling holy water on an affected area had done nothing to bring better quality health care to citizens of the United States.

Obama’s demonic status was downgraded, however, after the team found the President’s own reaction to holy water to be underwhelming. Mr. Obama would only express a mild displeasure at being sprayed in the face with holy water, before continuing along his day of being President. Their holinesses of Our Heavenly Task Force found these results sufficient evidence to categorize the President as, at best, a tier 3 demon of the lower class.  

 

Obama having a hard time after art crit

Image

President Obama had a hard time last Friday after his conceptual piece Here I Am met scathing reviews from peers. He was available to publicly comment the following day.“It didn’t well,” Mr. Obama told readme in the confines of his studio. “I mean, quite a few people said they liked my concept. But that was about it.”

Mr. Obama’s piece was submitted for the White House’s Concept Art studio which meets every Monday and Wednesday, and on Friday for critique sessions. These studio sessions are required of all members of Congress as well as for the President. For years they have been a sanctuary for Democrats and Republicans to explore their personal voices both as politicians and emerging artists. But the recent fuss over Mr. Obama’s work seems a step backward.

So why is the President’s piece so controversial? Here I Am is an installation piece featuring a flight of stairs that leads up to the second story window of the oval office. It is “interactive” – viewers are promised a handshake and mint candy from the President once they reach the top. Which would seem fine, except that the stairs are encrusted in manure and star spangled glitter.

Most viewers report not being able to “get it”, let alone get into the crowded opening. But Mr. Obama’s peers and classmates had different issues altogether. One of his loudest critics, Republican House Speaker John Boehner, called the project “pastiche”. “Here I Am obviously tries to reference M.C. Escher’s Relativity in a more sophisticated and modernized context. But it just comes across as another campy version of the Relativity. Obama hasn’t given his piece a relevant enough context for there to be any emotional resonance between the viewer and his piece.”

“See, I don’t get that comment,” Mr. Obama told readme in his studio. “Where’s he getting Relativity from? Here I Am resembles nonsensical staircases in the same way it resembles any other major works or ideas in the last 200 years with stairs. If anything, my work references Romney’s 2006 Here You Are which, by the way, Boehner loved.”

Romney’s infamous Here You Are was a conceptual piece in which viewers were invited to climb into Romney’s campaign bus. The stairs in Romney’s version, however, were covered in tacks. Once at the top, viewers would be smacked with a $500 fine before being booted back down the stairs. Once at the bottom audience members were promptly arrested for trespassing.

“I thought people would appreciate if I marginally improved a horrible experience.” Mr. Obama said, “I mean, Boehner and his crew are really into that whole Sisyphean climb motif. But I wanted something a little more productive, so fuck me, right?”