Readme Reviews: Samsung Galaxy S8

by Mark Saporta, readme Tech Review Editor

Samsung’s newest cell phone in its long-running Galaxy line is slated for release in under a month, and we at readme’s Tech Review Division have gotten our hands on a leaked prototype. We are excited to bring you this early review of what is already shaping up to be a revolutionary product in the world of telecommunications:

The Galaxy S8 is, first and foremost, a phone. You can make calls using it, and you can text your friends using the phone’s built-in SMS application. The Galaxy S8 also supports many other applications, which run the gamut from social media to exercise to games. Many applications come pre-installed on the phone, but there are thousands of others that can be installed to it from the internet. This heavy focus on applications may seem overwhelming at first, but it quickly sets the utility and flexibility of the S8 apart from the competition.

Perhaps the most interesting and novel feature of the Galaxy S8 is its large touch screen, which takes up nearly the entire front of the phone. Virtually all the functions of the phone are accessed by using this touch screen, with the exception of a “home button” that allows the user to return to the main screen. Using the touch screen is incredibly intuitive, and obviates the need for the clumsy keyboard-based navigation that so many phones currently rely on.

Another major upgrade present in the Galaxy S8 is the ability to access the internet on the go. With the purchase of a monthly data plan, Galaxy S8 users will no longer be tied down to WiFi hotspots; they will be able to surf the Web, check their Myspace pages and watch the hottest new online videos wherever they have a cell signal.

With all this advanced technology packed in, you may expect the portability of the Galaxy S8 to suffer somewhat. Amazingly enough, this couldn’t be further from the truth: the S8 will be among the thinnest and lightest phones on the market. It easily and comfortably fits both in the hand and in the pocket, and its sleek, minimalistic design is very appealing. The one downside it faces is a battery life substantially lower than Razr or BlackBerry users may be familiar with, but this is more than outweighed by its increased functionality.

Overall, we at readme’s Tech Review Division believe the Samsung Galaxy S8 represents a massive step forward in cell phone technology. With its touch screen, internet capabilities, and thin, lightweight design, it is leaps and bounds above both previous versions of the Galaxy and virtually all the competition. At $399, the Galaxy S8 is certainly not cheap, but the cost is more than worth paying to join what is shaping up to be the future of portable communication.

readme Review: Highly recommended

Pittsburgh Government Covertly Attempting to Induce Climate Change

by Mark Saporta, Municipal Machinations Correspondent

In a shocking development in local politics, an expose on the internal workings of the municipal government of Pittsburgh released earlier this week has revealed that both the mayor and the city council are actively attempting to effect climate change.

The document, released anonymously, directly quotes several higher-ups in the city government brainstorming ways to discreetly funnel money towards advancing climate change, from hiring gang members to destroy electric cars, to creating a vaguely-purposed super PAC that secretly devotes all contributions to setting aerosol cans on fire, to breeding especially flatulent cows.

Naturally, this report has enraged and confused many Pittsburghers, who are understandably loath to see their tax money both figuratively and literally burned on a seemingly counterproductive enterprise. Like them, readme is seeking answers to why the Democrat-controlled city government has taken such an aggressively climate-unfriendly stance, and has turned to Mayor Bill Peduto for an explanation:

 

readme: In all my years as a political analyst, I have never encountered any government actively embracing climate change, let alone a liberal one. Why are you doing this?

Peduto: Look outside.

readme: What? Uh…okay.

(At this point, your correspondent looked out the window of the mayor’s office. As per usual, it was overcast.)

Peduto: Q.E.D.

readme: Well, I mean…

Peduto: Pittsburgh has the most dismal weather this side of Chicago. The only times it’s not cloudy is when it’s raining. The only times it’s not uncomfortably cold is when it’s uncomfortably hot. It’s humid, it’s damp, it’s windy, it’s just generally gross. Our snow even sucks! Why wouldn’t we be trying to change the climate? What change could there be that wouldn’t be an improvement from what we have?

readme: Isn’t that rather selfish?

Peduto: As the mayor of Pittsburgh, my duty is first and foremost towards my constituents. If parching California gives us more sunny, 70-degree days in February, then I know where my priorities lie. And hey – any money we invest in inducing climate change will be more than recouped by the tons of rock salt we won’t have to buy every winter. It’s just good governance.

readme: That day was pretty damn nice.

Peduto: Imagine if every day in February was like that. All it would take would be a few more wildfires, a few more islands sunk into the ocean, and a few more sad people on the other side of the world. My government considers the costs worthwhile, and we think voters will too.

readme: Well, Mr. Mayor, thank you for your time, and hopefully the history books don’t demonize your decision any more than is appropriate.

At press time, the temperature in Pittsburgh had once again fluctuated 60 degrees, just like every goddamn Tuesday.

We Still Hate Millennials, Right?

by Mark Saporta, Generational Grand Canyon Correspondent

Millennials.

Next time you see a millennial, look at them. Really look at them. Stare at them with all of your psyche, and you will see what I see. You will see them as they truly are, and then you will understand.

They are beings of pure sin.

The first, most important thing to know about millennials is that they are Bad. They are not bad in a conventional sense, like a punch to the face or Nickelback. No, they are objectively bad. They are bad in a way that the word “bad” cannot even describe, because “bad” is a human word meant for use on a human scale. Millennials are cosmically bad. They are badness distilled. They are, in a very real sense, devils in human conceit.

Perhaps that is unfair. At least Lucifer was once an angel. Millennials lack even that erstwhile glimmer of decency. They were born of evil, they are evil, they shall return to evil. So it goes.

And don’t get me started on man buns. What genius thought those looked good? Sheesh, kids these days. Anyway:

You may be asking “Why are millennials bad?” “What proof have you of this quality?” And you would be well within your rights to ask such a thing. Alas, I cannot answer.

I cannot answer why millennials are so bad for the same reason one cannot answer why despair is so tragic, or hatred so dreadful. Despair and hatred are concepts; so too, in a way, are millennials. They do not simply bear evil within them, they are synonymous with evil.

And they’re always whining about their triggers and their safe spaces. It’s like, come on, you privileged fucks, grow the hell up! You’re not going to be able to shield your precious little eyes from reality forever!

You know, when I was a young man, we didn’t get pissy if our goddamn quinoa wasn’t cruelty-free! We didn’t bellyache all day about how society was oppressing us! We weren’t hellspawns in the guise of man, bringing ruin through our very being! No, god dammit, we were normal, decent people with normal, decent lives! These pampered, coddled harbingers of malevolence would do well to follow suit.

Slice of White Bread Chosen to Fill Open Supreme Court Seat

by Mark Saporta, Political Hellscape Correspondent

In yet another in a series of political stunners, Donald Trump has chosen to fill the open seat on the Supreme Court with a literal piece of white bread.

The seat, vacated nearly a year ago by the death of Justice Antonin “Far-Right Nutjob Before It Was Cool” Scalia, was intended to be filled by the eminently qualified Obama nominee Merrick Garland, but a combination of Republican intransigence and NO WAIT THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON caused his confirmation hearing to be delayed to the point of mootness.

Naturally, Trump’s nomination of an inanimate slice of uncooked toast has made waves among politicians and ordinary citizens alike, or at least among those who consider Alex Jones’ InfoWars rants to be anything less than God’s honest truth. The nomination was duly criticized by Senate Democrats and-

*deep sigh*

Okay, look.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a political satirist these days? And don’t give me any of that “are you kidding? there’s more to satirize than ever!” crap. Coming up with stories more insane than what’s actually going on right now is a legitimate challenge. The best I can do is resort to the shallow jab that Neil Gorsuch is boring. Hell, Gorsuch doesn’t even seem like that terrible of a choice, but what else am I going to write about? Sean Spicer? Steve Bannon? Trump complaining on Twitter about the travel ban ruling? They’re pretty much all already parodies of themselves.

Man, I remember the good old days, back when the Republican primary race was completely up in the air. We still had hope then. God, the most pressing issue we were facing was that Congress was incompetent, as though that was something that hasn’t been continuously true since 1774. Remember how I wrote that article about celebrating Government Shutdown Day? Heh, that was a pretty good one.

That must’ve been back in Fall 2015. I was so young then. We all were.

Anyway, Neil Gorsuch is boring, he’s pretty conservative, at least Trump didn’t nominate [insert reality TV star here] for the bench, etc., etc.. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna pour myself a drink, make myself a sandwich, lean back in my standard-issue CMU desk chair, and dull my political sorrows, if only briefly, with anime and My Brother, My Brother and Me.

At press time…man, whatever.

Trump Signs Executive Order Editing Statue of Liberty Plaque to “LOL NOPE”

by Mark Saporta, Political Hellscape Correspondent

The world was rocked this week when, in one of his first moves as President, Donald “Already At Mid-Second-Term Levels of Disapproval” Trump signed an executive order shutting down America’s refugee program and closing its borders to people from several Muslim-majority countries. Despite throngs of people across the political spectrum coming out in opposition to this piece of counterproductive political showmanship, readme can now confirm that Trump is doubling down by formally changing the plaque on the Statue of Liberty from Emma Lazarus’ sonnet The New Colossus to, simply, LOL NOPE.

“Reliable” sources within the Trump Administration have also indicated that the new text will not only be in 400-point font but will also be in bolded Impact, so as to “make certain the message gets across that, yeah, we super all the way don’t want you here.” According to Trump’s nascent Office of Management and Budget, the project is expected to cost $2 million, which when converted to Not Crazy Person Money translates to a cool $15 mil, minimum.

Naturally, politicians of all stripes and people across the nation have been incensed by Trump’s brazen willingness to essentially deface a national landmark with particularly unclassy xenophobia. Well, politicians of some stripes and roughly half of people across the nation, at least. The rest are A-OK with it. Why wouldn’t they be? After all, Breitbart just put out an article alleging that the immortal words “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to break free” are fake news produced by the liberal media to defame our glorious leader. Obviously.

Among the people across this nation who actually are incensed, though, a heroic few are getting off their asses and doing something about it, for instance by writing invective thinly disguised as satire. Truly, these brave men and women are doing yeomen’s work out there in the political wilderness, taming the beasts of tyranny with elegant strokes of their blades. Well, pens. Keyboards, if we’re really being honest.

(This is me I’m talking about here, by the way. Can you tell? Anyway, yeah, it’s me. Mark Saporta. The writer of this article. I’m basically the best. You’re welcome.)

At press time, Trump had quietly issued four more far-reaching executive orders while the media desperately attempted to process the previous four. Welcome, my friends, to the Darkest Timeline.

 

More Accurate Names for CMU Classes

by Mark Saporta, Most Reliable Source of CMU Knowledge

Interp: High School English Redux

Intro to Philosophy: Freshman Self-Righteousness Seminar

Elementary Japanese: Weeb Trash 101

Concepts of Mathematics: Lern 2 Pruf

Calc III: Because Double Integration Wasn’t Tedious Enough

DPAPI: Literally Just AP GoPo

Reason, Passion, and Cognition: Four Months of Extremely Intuitive Psychology

Behavioral Decision Making: The Same Thing, Again

Behavioral Econ and Public Policy: America Sucks! The Class

Intermediate Microeconomics: WHOOPS ECON REQUIRES CALC

Intermediate Macroeconomics: Have Fun With 12-Variable Equations, Asshole!

Financial Crises and Risk: The 2008 Recession! The Class

Public Economics: Macro, but a Third as Difficult

Game Theory for Economists: Surprise! It’s Literally Just Math

Writing for Economists: Formatting is Ninety Percent of Your Grade

Stat 201, 202: Barely Even Worth Attending

Intro to Probability: WHOOPS STATISTICS REQUIRES CALC

Econometrics I and II: Statistics, But Presented Confusingly

15-110: CS for Future Presidents

15-112: Basically a Part-Time Job, but You’re Paying to Do It

15-251: CS Theory Hell

15-213: Systems Hell

15-410: 9th Circle of CS Hell

15-418: All 9 Circles of Systems Hell at Once

Kanye West Makes History as First Professional Rapper President

by Mark Saporta, Political Correspondent Emeritus

WASHINGTON D.C, JANUARY 20, 2021—Three months after his landslide victory over Republican incumbent Mike Pence, Kanye West was inaugurated today as the 47th President of the United States. Beyoncé Knowles-Carter was also inaugurated as the 49th and first female Vice President of the United States, succeeding incumbent VP Martin Shkreli.

The inauguration, a raucous affair featuring musical performances not only by many of the President’s former colleagues but also by the President himself, was described by attendee Nicholas Rauen as “the official return of the dankest timeline.” In a notable departure from tradition, West put a beat behind his inauguration speech; the speech will reportedly be one of the tracks on West’s upcoming concept album Commander-in-Chief.

When asked for comment immediately following the event, President West reportedly said that he was “…just so appreciative of [his] beautiful wife Kim Kardashian and [their] daughter North for standing by me during this difficult campaign.” First Lady Kardashian was unavailable for comment, as she was busy liveblogging the event on several social media sites.

Now that he is officially in office, President West plans to appoint Malcolm J. “Mac Miller” McCormick as Chief of Staff, Shawn “Jay Z” Carter as Secretary of State, Marshall “Eminem” Mathers as Secretary of Defense, and Tauheed “2 Chainz” Epps as Treasury Secretary. The newly Democrat-controlled Senate is expected to confirm all of President West’s nominees in short order, and, in an ironic twist, former Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s 2017 deployment of the “nuclear option” means that the Republicans will be unable to filibuster any of West’s appointments. However, the seemingly nepotistic appointment of the Vice President’s husband as Secretary of State has even some Democratic commentators worried.

President West’s policy positions are still unclear, but he is likely to follow up on his signature campaign promise to decrease the influence of the executive branch in response to the abuse-of-power scandals of the Trump administration. The coalition that propelled him to office will expect him to act in accordance with his campaign slogan: “No one man should have all this power.”

Other potential policy priorities are the creation of a strategic bass reserve, a broad-based crackdown on gold diggers, the adoption of a new redistributive economic program through which the wealthy will flick stacks of high-denomination bills at the poor, and immigration reform.

At press time, Insane Clown Posse frontmen Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope were reportedly considering a joint Presidential run in 2024.

readme Unearths Document Showing its Originally Planned Name Was “Funyun”

by Mark Saporta, Making Elaborate Thinkpieces Always Correspondent

In an event that will surely go down in archaeosatirical history, readme was stunned earlier this week to discover a primary-source document in perfect condition that seemed to indicate that the newspaper was originally to be called “Funyun.”

Dated May 1999, the document precedes all known issues of readme by over a year, suggesting that it was written when readme was barely even in its planning stages. Further confirmation of its vast age comes through several photographs included in the document, which, in the ancient tradition, were clearly taken by wielding a device known as a “digital camera.”

Almost immediately after uncovering the primary source, readme’s forensic team set to work decoding why the earliest members of readme may have called the publication “Funyun.” Head of forensics and current Editor-in-Chef Rin Fair*** had this to say about the matter:

“While there’s obviously still a lot of work to be done yet to try to understand the archaic, almost completely meme- and irony-free language from this new document, we believe we may understand why ‘Funyun’ would have seemed to these bygone people like a logical name for a satirical newspaper. We have evidence of two contemporaneous artifacts that are similarly named: a professional satire website named ‘The Onion,’ and a brand of fake onion-ring snacks called ‘Funyuns.’ Now, believe it or not, modern wordplay like portmanteau and puns have been around a lot longer than you might think. We think that, in a rather clever and self-deprecating manner, the founders of readme planned to call their publication ‘Funyun’ because the snack both has a name that rhymes with ‘Onion’ and is, essentially, a fake onion. Moreover, we have reason to believe that, in some way, ‘Funyun’ was an inherently funny word in their culture. They were essentially saying that the paper is a fake ‘The Onion’ in a humorous way. Either that, or it’s a sex joke. We’re not entirely sure.”

Like all of his readme co-contributors, your correspondent is delighted about the discovery of this new document, and wishes the forensic team best of luck in gleaning all the information from this important historical find as they can.

 

*** Hey Rin, look who’s over here taking the high road! Betcha feel bad about calling me Fuckboi Curtis now, huh? HUH?! HUUUH?!

(Whatever. It’s not like I really care what you think about me anyway. Why should I?

…Baka.)

Yet More Indie Band Names

by Mark Saporta, who Liked Band Names Before They Were Cool

This list is dedicated to my good friend and co-contributor Michael Quinn, who loves band names almost as much as he loves market capitalism, people shitting on modern art, and President-elect Donald Trump.

Roger That!

Romance Language

Colors Fade to Grey

Paleoclassic

Dallas-St. Paul

The Laws of Aviation

The McCarthyists

Messiahs After Dark

Common Pepe and the Feels Bad Band

The Cognitive Dissonants

Law of Cycles*

The Liberal Friends

The American Dream Memorial Band

Laughy Taughy

The Sad Sax

The New Old News

Married With Clintons

Adam Smith and the Invisible Hands

 

*If you get this, God help you. God help all of us animes.

(Man, the ending of Rebellion was insane though, amirite? Didn’t see that one coming.)

Leaked Memo Suggests Everything Since 2011 According to Kerry’s Master Plan

by Mark Saporta, Only Senior Political Correspondent

In yet another shock twist in American politics, a recent Wikileaks trawl has unearthed a devious plot to take the Presidency, supposedly written by then-Massachusetts Senator and current Secretary of State John Kerry in early 2011.

The plan hinges on the order of presidential succession. As is widely known, if the President is impeached, resigns, or dies, the Vice President is sworn in as soon as possible. Less well-known is that the next in succession are the Speaker of the House, the President Pro Tempore of the Senate, and, crucially, the Secretary of State.

What follows is an unaltered transcription of Kerry’s five-year plot to become the President by whatever means necessary:

 

TOP SECRET

FEBRUARY 17, 2011

FROM THE OFFICE OF SENATE FOREIGN RELATIONS COMMITTEE CHAIR JOHN KERRY

TAKING THE PRESIDENCY: PLAN #1A

First, I must lay some groundwork over the next three years. Successfully executing the following will make what comes next far more doable:

 

  • The Republicans nominate someone uninspiring to run against Pres. Obama in 2012. My “good friend” and Massachusetts “colleague” Mitt Romney should do nicely for this purpose.
  • Obama wins re-election handily.
  • Hillary Clinton resigns as Secretary of State with plans to run in 2016. As chair of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, I am the obvious replacement.
  • Partisan gridlock continues to choke Washington, stoked by efforts to defund the government in 2013 and a strong Republican victory in 2014 that wins them the Senate and an unassailable House majority.
  • Speaker John Boehner is thrown out by conservative diehards, who also prevent his natural successor Kevin McCarthy from taking the office. He is replaced by Paul Ryan, essentially the only person in the House that can unite both the establishment and Tea Party. Dissatisfaction with Congress and the government in general continues to increase, especially among Republicans.

 

Next, I will exploit every channel I can to make sure that somebody with a criminal history is elected President in 2016. I have settled on Donald Trump as a particularly loathsome candidate. This will require some good fortune, but if my groundwork pays off the Republicans will hate their party so much that they will be willing to elect a lunatic over one of their own:

 

  • At least ten candidates from all corners of the Republican party enter the 2016 primary, ensuring there is little concerted resistance to the next stage of the plan.
  • Hillary Clinton faces at least one unexpected challenger, perhaps someone from the far left who can energize the youth by promising free college and legal weed. I leak the existence of her private emails to some Republican congressman (t.b.d.) who is going after her for some real or imagined crime.
  • Donald Trump enters the Republican primary. Unless it seems like Trump will win through sheer chutzpah, I will anonymously manipulate Speaker Ryan and the head of the RNC into making a secret deal that gives Trump the primary. Either way, I will make sure there is a paper trail, real or fabricated, linking Ryan to Trump’s victory.
  • Clinton wins the primary, but the challenge from the left and the emails take a toll on her favorables. Moreover, I exercise my pull with the Russians to get them to interfere in Trump’s favor. To everyone’s surprise, Clinton manages to lose to Trump (ideally winning the popular vote but losing the Electoral College for maximum public outcry), who has been managed by my top political agent Kellyanne Conway the entire time.

 

Now here comes the fun part:

 

  • Shortly into his presidency, Trump is convicted of one of his myriad actual crimes and is forced to resign. Some well-placed bribes should ensure nothing goes awry.
  • Trump’s running mate is a wild card, but my inside men on the Secret Service should be able to get the job done no matter who it is.
  • I expose Paul Ryan’s “manufacturing” of the 2016 primary results through one of many potential back channels. He too is eventually forced to resign after a few short scandal-ridden months.
  • The President Pro Tem will now be the last man standing in my way. As his office is defined by his age, though, his death from “natural causes” shortly after his inauguration should come as no surprise.
  • As the next in succession, I, John Kerry, will become the 49th President of the United States.

 

The release of this memo will surely shake up Americans’ confidence in their political institutions for years, if not decades, to come. If it is truly legitimate, though, your political correspondent must express some degree of respect for John Kerry, perhaps the greatest political mastermind of the modern world.